Feeling Hopeless and Guilty

[Exhausted2]

I'm nearing 50, we have been married for 20+ years with three teen to

adult kids. 

My partners issues really manifested fully in the last 5 years.   His mother has been permanently hospitalized for severe depression (guessing because his controlling and likely narcisstic father won't share information with the family).  He lost his job and we moved cross country.  Our kids got older and not as accommodating to his moods.   And finally I lost my father suddenly.   I feel my partner always saw that as a me or him relationship when we were together.  He loved to pick apart life choices my dad had made.   He's very nasty about people who leave or divorce.  (His parents didn't but probably should have).  Mine did but I feel like I came through okay.  Parents loved me and I was fortunate to have some great step parents in my life.   

The straw seems to be the weirdest things. Our oldest went to college and bombed out.  Two years later he's found himself and is thriving as a paramedic student employed in a great hospital organization.  Or middle started college (never a great student - which neither myself or partner were either.    My partner passed college by the skin of his teeth).  First report card (3-As - one in freshman English that partner said "most kids test out of", a C in history a pass in a freshman skills p/f class.  Waiting on another that may be a B or a C.  First reaction to our son "you'll probably fail second semester?"  What the heck?  I confronted and it went nuclear. "I'm okay with average."  "I should be pushing them out." Referring to our oldest. Who believe me is frantically trying to save money to move out ASAP.

Any discussion of therapy FOR ANYONE sets off a major fit.   This has escalated after it was disclosed that there is a history of mental illness in the family.  I found out when his mother was hospitalized.   Not sure if he knew or not. 

Feel like I've damaged my children staying with him but I've not been in a position to leave.  Even more so now being moved away from friends, my family is scattered (my dad was the only one I could have really turned to) and I'm still not re-employed.

I'm starting therapy after the first of the year (deductible smart).   I know I have my own issues but feel as a mom my job is to protect and support my children.    What really scares me is seeing some of the same behavior in my oldest and I want to help him avoid the same problems.   

Rambling . . . Like I do after many of our fights I feel confused and scared. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm so sorry you are in this tough spot. A lot of us here are in similar situations. Some manage to have good marriages or relationships with pwBPD, but there are lots of variables to that. When pwBPD is living in denial, it's hard. Plus, it's a spectrum, so some have it much worse than others.

It's good that you are going to start therapy. I recently got back in therapy to deal with all the stress. It's been good for me. I see that BPDh has tried to isolate me, control me, and basically has a whole host of issues that only he can fix. I'm in therapy working on myself, but he continues to ignore his. It's sad.

We could have a very happy life together, but he's unwilling to do his part.

It's good that you are there for your kids. Therapy should be encouraged for everyone, but pwBPD usually doesn't want therapy, and discounts it's merits for other people. Or, they'll go, but they manage to dupe the therapist. I've seen that happen, and it's so frustrating.

Hang in there, and take care of YOU.