New here and very confused/upset

[winduptoy]

Hi there,

I'm in a relationship with a partner who was diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having BPD. I say diagnosed and not that she has BPD because she denies the diagnosis and has discontinued medication, group therapy and therapy with the doctor who diagnosed her. She is now seeing a psychologist who, apparently, has told her that I am the one with the issue and that she is actually fine.

Some further background (and I apologise for this being a long post):

- We've been together for coming up to 3 years, though it's been quite on and off during this time.

- She has two children to a previous marriage who live with her/us 4 days a week.

- We don't officially live together as she asked me to move out at the beginning of this year, then broke it off with me, then got back together with me when I was struggling through a period of anxiety.

- I spend two days away from the home at her request, though she has said she would prefer it was 3-4 days apart.

- She is classed as "high functioning" as she holds down a fairly important job and doesn't display emotion dysregulation to the same extent with anyone else - mostly just me.

Lately we've been having a lot of ups and downs. I'll feel like we're doing ok then she will tell me that she is feeling controlled, or that her boundaries are being stomped on, or that she can't handle my issues (I do have quite significant anxiety issues at the moment), that I am a narcissist, that I am the one with the problem... .this list goes on but the main theme is that I've criticised her or asked too much of her. I'll then try explain where I'm coming from and she will tell me that I'm not validating her feelings and that I'm selfish/too focused on myself. I'll then get very upset, either angry or really emotional and start crying and she tells me that she is no longer "here" anymore, splitting I guess. This can go on for about an hour until she leaves the house, but not before telling me that it's over. When she returns I try to convince her that it's all been a misunderstanding, that I love her and that I think she loves me too and we try to rectify it.

This, or some similar version of this, happens about once a week. I don't want to put all the blame on her because I'm not without my issues, but I feel that these fights occur after she explodes, which is usually because she has been holding something in.

I could keep rambling but I might leave it here for now. The question I have is this: does anyone out there recognise this pattern I've just described? I've never been in a relationship with someone who has BPD so I'm feeling so confused, I don't know what is what anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[livednlearned]

Hi winduptoy,

Welcome and hello! And yes, the pattern you describe is very familiar. People who struggle with BPD have unstable relationship skills and it requires a lot of empathy and validation, as well as boundaries, to hang in there and not have our own sense of worth eroded.

A rejection based on feeling controlled can be a sign she feels vulnerable, and lacks the skills to manage her intense emotions, other than to push you away.

How long ago was she diagnosed with BPD? It's common in therapy for there to be one step forward, two steps back. This can be true of anyone, with BPD it can be even more so because the process of being accountable can produce a lot of vulnerability and shame. She made an initial effort and that means a lot, even if it may seem she has rejected the diagnosis for now.

Being confused is also common for those who love someone with BPD. Do the fights seem to be about the same thing? Or is there a pattern that seems to go along with them, like a common trigger?

[winduptoy]

Hi livednlearned,

Thank you so much for your response – it's great to get some feedback from people who understand.

She was diagnosed with BPD about 18 months ago, and she's committed to some form of therapy ever since. I understand that this is a huge deal for anyone, let alone someone struggling with issues related to vulnerability and shame.

The fights do seem to revolve around the same issue/s, namely her needing space or her feeling overwhelmed by my needs. I have my own issues, which are demanding in their own right, so I can understand that this exhausts her emotionally. She also tells me it blurs the boundary between her and I, but to be honest I'm not really sure what she means by that as it isn't something I experience.

It just seems like one big push on her behalf for space and me then reacting by feeling more dependent and needy, which is a very unpleasant feeling and counterproductive to us both.

[livednlearned]

Feeling anxious when a loved one pushes us away can be a really uncomfortable -- even scary -- feeling. With anxiety often comes depression, and that can make it even harder to think clearly and problem solve or use skills to stabilize the relationship dynamic.

Was there a family connections program associated with her therapy? This is a program for loved ones (usually family members) to help shine some light on the disorder and also explain more about DBT.

Are you receiving any support (from a therapist or someone else) for your anxiety? Sometimes our own attachment styles seem very enveloped with what our partners are dealing with, and it's good to tease them out so we can approach them separately.

Who usually initiates contact after there has been a big push? How do you feel when you do not respond or pursue her?

[winduptoy]

Oh yes, the feeling anxious and co-dependency are my issues. I recognise them well, but unfortunately the push/pull seems to be triggering this for me. I do see a therapist for my stuff and that's something I too will continue to do, for myself first and foremost.

I don't think there was a family program associated with therapy but I could ask her about that, thank you for the suggestion.

If she leaves the house after an argument/push then she will initiate first contact. I've learned only recently not to ask her to stay to talk about it when she is triggered and not to push her into discussing it until she is ready. That hasn't always been the case so I'm pleased I'm better able to give her the space she needs to find her peace/centre.

As for how I feel when I don't respond or pursue her ... .I feel anxious to resolve it and worry that this will be the time that she ends it. I feel like I need to de-escalate/defuse the situation and without contact it doesn't feel like that is possible until she is ready. Which I do understand and try to respect but sometimes it feels like it's all on her watch and about her needs, not mine. I find that really hard... .I wish I could act with a greater level of calm and patience... .I'm trying but it triggers me in return. Urgh... .just writing this I'm feeling like it's just so complex that I don't know how we can see our way out of it. 

[livednlearned]

If the program does not offer anything for loved ones, you may find something offered here through the BPD Family Connections site.

I feel like I need to de-escalate/defuse the situation and without contact it doesn't feel like that is possible until she is ready. Which I do understand and try to respect but sometimes it feels like it's all on her watch and about her needs, not mine. I find that really hard... .I wish I could act with a greater level of calm and patience... .I'm trying but it triggers me in return. Urgh... .just writing this I'm feeling like it's just so complex that I don't know how we can see our way out of it. 

There is a diagram in this book called Attached that really helped me understand the driving force behind my anxious behavior (we have a short excerpt here, though it doesn't have the diagram unfortunately). It gave me some clarity about my own behaviors/reactions when someone I love withdraws emotionally. The gist of the diagram is that we are triggered (partner withdraws) and then we seek reassurance (pursue our partner), and when we don't receive that reassurance (they feel engulfed), we dip into protest behaviors that only end up pushing our partners further away.

A lot of my codependent behaviors come from this belief that others cannot self soothe. By insisting on inserting ourselves into their process of self-soothing, we make it impossible for them to do exactly what we want them to do.

When she retreats and you are left wondering about the status of the relationship, what usually happens for you? How does the anxiety manifest?

[Lucky Jim]

Hello winduptoy, I suspect that most of us Nons in a r/s with a pwBPD have codependent tendencies.  It's practically a prerequisite, in my view.  As LnL suggests, codependency is unhealthy for both parties, the care taker and the care receiver, tough it took me a while to grasp that concept.  Care taking, you could say, is a substitute for taking care of oneself, though I note that you are seeing a T for your stuff, which is great.  I agree with you that it's best to wait for the storm to pass before attempting that discussion.  Have you given any thought to why you were drawn to a BPD partner?  That inquiry could help give you insight into your current r/s.

LuckyJim

[unicorn2014]

I definitely recognize that pattern.

Your relationship is far more complex then mine. I'm in a LDR with a man who I've been waiting to get a divorce for 3 years.

I would say the best thing you could do for yourself is a establish a stable inner core for yourself. Where do you think you are at in that process? It is true what this board says that as the non in a BPD relationship you have to be the more stable and rational one. Its a lot of responsibility to be in a relationship with a person with BPD.