Having trouble with the whole "baby" thing...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It seems everywhere I go, I hear babies crying or hear of people having babies! Baby, baby, baby! I am realizing it probably has always been this way, but now that my husband is having baby with his gf, I am a wreck!  I am more aware than ever! It makes me feel somehow like a loser... .I never even wanted kids! I keep telling myself that somehow he is happy now. Everyone keeps telling me that if he was so happy, "I" would not be a thought in his mind. He certainly would not be contacting me as much as he does good, bad or otherwise! I went to look at a new apartment yesterday. It is so nice and I know he would have loved it so much! I left there crying thinking how would could have had a nice two bedroom together (we left a beautiful house) and now I have to get a small one bedroom alone. It seems to be in a very nice place with lots of activities and more professional people that I may have a chance at meeting new friends. I don't love where I am now, just had to move quickly at the time we sold the house. He lives 2 streets over with the gf and it bothers me as well. His street and the complex he is in would be considered like the ghetto, by the way... .Imagine having a baby there. Maybe they will move out of state. I hope so, that's her plan. I just know in my heart, this is not how he likes to live. I know I shouldn't care about it. I talked with a person awhile ago that said their ex ended up with a homeless person and lived on the street with them! I just don't understand these people! My husband started his life here in a dump, I pulled him out of it, he worked hard to move up in his job and now he is back in a dump. I should have left him there! Lesson learned. The gf left property and her 5 horses in the country. She keeps missing the horses. She said she left everything she had to get out from someones control (her husband was putting out fires as well)! I think my husband feels the same way. I am sorry, but running around cheating and drunken driving are just not something you are going to sit back and say nothing about! Why am I crying more than ever?I guess because he is acting like he is so happy now and not having any "incidents" because he has "peace" and he said he hopes I can find someone to be happy with and have peace as well... .I am not happy : (

[Herodias]

It seems everywhere I go, I hear babies crying or hear of people having babies! Baby, baby, baby! I am realizing it probably has always been this way, but now that my husband is having baby with his gf, I am a wreck!  I am more aware than ever! It makes me feel somehow like a loser... .I never even wanted kids! I keep telling myself that somehow he is happy now. Everyone keeps telling me that if he was so happy, "I" would not be a thought in his mind. He certainly would not be contacting me as much as he does good, bad or otherwise! I went to look at a new apartment yesterday. It is so nice and I know he would have loved it so much! I left there crying thinking how would could have had a nice two bedroom together (we left a beautiful house) and now I have to get a small one bedroom alone. It seems to be in a very nice place with lots of activities and more professional people that I may have a chance at meeting new friends. I don't love where I am now, just had to move quickly at the time we sold the house. He lives 2 streets over with the gf and it bothers me as well. His street and the complex he is in would be considered like the ghetto, by the way... .Imagine having a baby there. Maybe they will move out of state. I hope so, that's her plan. I just know in my heart, this is not how he likes to live. I know I shouldn't care about it. I talked with a person awhile ago that said their ex ended up with a homeless person and lived on the street with them! I just don't understand these people! My husband started his life here in a dump, I pulled him out of it, he worked hard to move up in his job and now he is back in a dump. I should have left him there! Lesson learned. The gf left property and her 5 horses in the country. She keeps missing the horses. She said she left everything she had to get out from someones control (her husband was putting out fires as well)! I think my husband feels the same way. I am sorry, but running around cheating and drunken driving are just not something you are going to sit back and say nothing about! Why am I crying more than ever?I guess because he is acting like he is so happy now and not having any "incidents" because he has "peace" and he said he hopes I can find someone to be happy with and have peace as well... .I am not happy : (

[C.Stein]

BH,

It seems to me you are hitching your happiness (and life) onto his train.  What I mean by that is you are measuring your own self-worth and happiness based on what is happening with your ex.  Doing this is going to leave you stuck in the mud. 

You are still attaching yourself to him ... .I know how hard it is to not do this.  I find myself at times feeling very attached to my ex as well and mired down in my own mud.   Thankfully I don't know what is going on in her life right now.  It is not easy to unhitch your car from the train when the link was trauma based, but you need to do it to get out of the mud.  There is solid land in front of you so try to leave him behind in the mud and focus yourself on getting to that solid land.

[Mutt]

It seems everywhere I go, I hear babies crying or hear of people having babies! Baby, baby, baby! I am realizing it probably has always been this way, but now that my husband is having baby with his gf, I am a wreck!  I am more aware than ever! It makes me feel somehow like a loser... .I never even wanted kids!

Herodias,

I would like to add to what C.Stein said about self worth. I think that you're basing your self worth with the baby. Do you feel like if you had a child with him that he would have been happy?

[Confused?]

Wait till she is taking care of the kid herself because he leaves for someone else

[Herodias]

Thanks all... .  yes, maybe I do Mutt. Only problem is in my head I know that would not change. him. I know I need to move on, jut having trouble. Thanks Confused... .that is exactly what I want to hear for some reason. I just can't believe it's taking so long. Sometimes I think I need to remember how long I stayed... .but also, now that she has a baby on the way, she may think she has to. The only thing I thought of is the longer he and I are married, the better chance she has to get out before she marries him. Just don't know what the gods are trying to do here exactly.

[Mutt]

I know I need to move on, jut having trouble.

It takes time. Go easy on yourself.

[betterdayz]

i understand how you feel. my co dependent ex (28) who i've been with for 11 years, had an affair with a self pitying borderline leach. she made him feel like her knight in shining armour and she trapped him into a pregnancy, he lasted 7 months sticking by me, because he didnt love her anymore and never saw a future with her anyways. he hated her guts for doing this to him. but he gave in out of doing the honorable thing. he explained it to me as having this inner battle inside his head. me or the baby. i tried explaining him we can do the co parent thing, but it went against his feelings or something, and he eventually ''lost the battle''

i still remember him getting all his stuff and crying like a little child, as if he was being hold at gunpoint. he's a complete wreck and still angry at her. she threatned sucicide, to disappear with the child etc. but my ex chooses to put away his anger and make the best of it for the child. i can't help but pity him. so often he's crying and stuff that i'm his number one and the love of his life and he never wanted this life. he's still says nothing is written in stone and he's still thinking about the whole thing.

babies babies babies everywhere. it sure drives me crazy too. especially such a nasty person as she was, and were to me. that she gets to have his child. she hardly even knew him. sure is so hurtful. everywhere i see couples with their first born. and tv shows, movies. ugh.

i remember him joking he was so happy he didn't had kids, about a year ago. when we'd hear the neighbours baby cry.

they recently moved in together. how long until this falls apart?

i would not wanna trade though, to achieve something with bait. so in that way i'm not jealous at all. just feel a huge sense of injustice. and i worry for that child and my ex his health. he's always been good to me, never drama. he really is a people pleaser :/ a little baby is the ultimate, thing that needs love, help and saviour.

[thisworld]

Herodias,

I feel for you. What you have written reminds me of my first homework with my sponsor in Al-Anon. The question was in what way(s) has your life become unmanageable? I, as a hard-working person, filled pages and pages about the significant person in my life, his drinking buddies who were rude to me, their girlfriends who were rude to me, how these people were this and that, what they were doing etc. Pages of it. Enough material for two seasons of a heated TV drama. That was my life.

Then my sponsor pointed at everything I had written and said, ":)o you see that all these are about actions of 1 significant person for you who is not you and then sort of semi-strangers who are living their lives?" There I noticed how I filled my life, my mind, my consciousness, my emotions with people who have nothing to do with me and it was exhausting. There they were, not caring about whether I lived or died, and I was giving all my mental, emotional energy that I could use for myself to these irrelevant people. Feeling tormented was only natural as I was giving everything I had (my attention, my emotions, my intellect) to people other than myself.  

Also, this focus on other people prevented me from seeing that my life did not consist of 1 other person only and how focusing on that emotionally prevented me from seeing that my life was actually unmanageable in a lot of senses as well as being much better than I realized when I kept myself in this drama consisting of other people's lives. We have ourselves to control only.

He made me re-do the homework where I had to go through everything I had written, selecting some sentences and writing next to them: this isn't my problem, it's not about me or my life, I have no say in this, it's not a thing for me to judge etc. I even allowed myself to write good riddance next to some.

I saw that only a couple of sentences were truly about me. Actually, I came last in my own life.

You have some good news in your life, you may be moving to a better location. This place doesn't feel like home, yet. What do you think you can do to turn it into a lovely, cozy "home" for yourself and yourself only? (Because other people may come and go but you need a "home".) Is it decorating it the way you like it? Is it having friends and laughter? If you chose to do something for yourself only, what would that be? I think the more we do those things systematically, with determination, our hearts catch up and soon we stop thinking about the insignificant crowd we let into our heads.

Stay strong

[Herodias]

Oh gosh betterdayz... .that's a terrible story... .I feel for you both. I kind think mine wanted me to do something like that at first when he was telling me that I could take him back and that I could be a part of the baby's life. I just don't think i could have done that... .I am impressed you were willing to try. He must be miserable with her... .I feel like my husbands gf did this on perfect. I really do. I don't understand how she never got pregnant with her own husband when they were together 6 years! She wanted kids with him... .My husband said he saw the paperwork that she received from the dr when she got one of those injections. I just don't believe it. My dr said those injections are 99.9% effective. Either they are both lying to their families or he is lying to me as usual. I get mad at myself that I am even thinking about him when I think of how much he lies. This world, that is so true. I don't focus on myself nearly enough. Maybe I am doing this to avoid focusing on myself. I really like taking care of a SO and I think that's the problem. My whole world revolved around him- A friend of mine who has known me the whole time we were together and how much I cared about him said, maybe I am missing all the attention he gave me. I am sure that is a big part of it. I am going to tell you something gross... .My husband calls it his "condition", but I call it "drunkeness"... .I really need to get rid of a bunch of furniture that I have had for the last 10 years, because he has a bad habit of peeing on himself when he is drunk! My bed and my sofa need to go! She told me I am surprised you have kept them for so long! I really did love them, but I think maybe some redecorating is in order for sure! Getting rid of memories of him. All the sex we had on the sofa and the bed, let alone the sex he had in the bed with at least one woman I know of other than me! He is an awful person. I am always getting stuck on the mentally ill part. I put up with so much, all for nothing. He even said, you helped me get to where I am at today... .he knows he has done me wrong. He has just never had to pay for it before. I sent him a Dear Abby article about mistresses getting pregnant to collect child support. How terrible is that? When are people going to get some morals and care about others. A co-worker that used to work for my husband told me about a pharmacy tech in the store that is having an affair with the customer service manager that is married and has two kids. It is just all too common practice. It seems they all think it's ok to do I suppose. I know that is what my husband always said to me... ."If I cheat, it's going to be like a woman"  I didn't know what he meant, except now I think it is that he was watching all of these married women cheat. Thank you all for supporting me through this... .you are all so kind.

[Itstopsnow]

Herodias, you are very strong, it is very hard to detach from these relationships . And being married and your husband getting his GF pregnant probably has to touch on many natural and normal insecurities that any healthy person would have if in your position. I also get what you're saying ... .I'm watching a good series on Netflix and I'm sad thinking I know my ex would of loved this show with me. They were huge parts of our lives and we loved and bonded with them in normal healthy ways. Ways in which they were never able to bc of their illness and also because they were never fully committed to us. Unfortunately it sucks to think about it. But these "people" have more than one supply usually at all times. Some emotional affairs, some physical . But most BPD have to have this in order to feel safe and secure. It sucks to have to keep in mind they are not stable in their thought process and he did what he did to you, not because of anything you did or didn't do. And it wasn't because you weren't enough for him. He did it bc this is how he survives . It's not even about the other women. It's about their own brokenness .

[heartbroken25]

Herodias,

I am experience almost the same thing as you.  I see babies everywhere, hear them crying, commercials about babies, see couples with children and think that could of been me. 

My dBPD soon to be ex husband and his girlfriend are expecting a child any day now.  Who knows, the kid may have already arrived.  I was devastated when I found out, because I did want children, and now at 47 and alone, I'll never have a child of my own.  Even more devastated that it wasn't my husband who told me, and he had many opportunities to tell me before I told him I never wanted to see or speak to him ever again.  One of the last things he told me when we separated 3 years ago was that he never wanted to have children, (guess not with me?; although he did say I was an amazing person)  and now here he is having a kid with someone he's only been with for a year.  But I "cheated him out of a life" (exact words spoken by him), also very hurtful. I've been with him for 25 years, married 13 including the 3 years separated (loosely).  I've never been with anyone else and sacrificed so much for this person and know I made his life better.  Just upsets me that I cannot win back the time that's gone when I had a chance to get out before we were married.  Still struggling very hard to get over this. Deceit is so ugly. Taking it one day at a time. :'(

[Herodias]

Heartbroken, you are right... .we are similar. I am 50, so I understand. I just keep telling myself I do not want kids and did not and there is nothing wrong with that. I listened to one of my clients talk about her daughters new baby that was born Dec.13. It was born 5 weeks early... .they have had allot of extra things they have had to do. Her daughter is exhausted. She calls her crying when she can't get the baby to eat... She is up every 2 hours feeding and changing diapers. It sounds exhausting. If they have a good child, I suppose for them it will be all worth it. There are no guarantees and I tell myself, just because you have a child, doesn't mean things will be happily ever after. If we had had kids with these men, it's possible we would have screwed up kids... .that can be heartbreaking in itself! I wonder if you will hear how things go with him in the future with this baby and the gf? I am sure I will know about mine. I know both of them are totally immature and it is very scary to both of their parents that these two are having a baby. I am imagining her Mother coming to town and staying with them and he will not be able to get drunk while she is there. It will be awful for him or her if her Mother sees how he is drunk! I can't help but wonder these things since he told me he didn't want kids as well. They have only been dating this time around since Feb. He told me since April, but I don't believe that. Plus they had an affair two years ago. They really don't know each other and are now living together since November I think. The baby is due in May. I feel for you with the baby due about now. I would be so curious really. I wonder how they handle it? Hopefully well for all of their sake, but I really doubt it. Maybe I am negative, bu after all I have witnessed, I don't see it any other way. Mine seems to be about 15 years behind his age in maturity.

[Mutt]

Herodias,

I have three kids with my ex. My son does display traits of GAD but all of the kids seem fine. Honestly they are thriving but I think that it helps when the parent that is emotionally stable provides what the mentally ill partner cannot provide. So, in my case validate my kids and give them as much love and attention that I can. I believe that their mother does love them and the love that my kids have for mom is unconditional. I don't want to interfere with that love. My ex dies become emotionally unstable but she doesn't give me the impression that she shouldn't see them etc. Maybe it's a judgment call that I may need to make further down the road. Who knows maybe she'll eventually care of the baby most of the time? That being said.

Do you feel like you're pre-occupied and worried about how you're ex is going to cope? I don't hear a lot about your thoughts and feelings.