Why is it that she is still with her rebound after 7 months?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My T and I had projected that she would only last a few months with the rebound guy.  But it's been 7 months.  Is it possible that certain personalities trigger less in their BPD weapon arsenal?   Thoughts? 

[ben22]

My T and I had projected that she would only last a few months with the rebound guy.  But it's been 7 months.  Is it possible that certain personalities trigger less in their BPD weapon arsenal?   Thoughts? 

[nolongersadfriend]

what you probably don't know is she has men on the side... .

i've seen my ex friend on/off with the same woman for awhile now and i'm wondering what makes her "special".

guess what? he still does not acknowledge her as his gf.  just an F buddy.

and they have been on and off for small periods of time so he can pursue other women.

she tells friends they are "on a break"... .she thinks he's her bf.  he clearly does not see her that way.

[veryconfused]

Ben

I think the answer to this is complicated.  First you have to ask yourself if it really matters b/c you know your ex is ill and there is no true happiness with her, no matter who she is with.

In my opinion, some people can just stay together longer, even if for the wrong reasons or wrong situations.  I look at my exBPD, she was married for over 10 years.  She had a very good husband but she was unhappy.  She cheated on him with a total loser.  Then she reunited with me.  Why didn't we last longer than 3 months?  Why did she stay married for so long to the ex and continue an affair with a married man for 6 years?  I think it has a lot to do with the type of people she was involved with.  The ex husband, he was clueless.  I doubt he reacted very much to her moods, pushing and pulling, he just was kind of there and she saw him as someone she could tame or teach him to be better.  You can read more about this in the book about Borderline Mothers.  Anyway, her married lover sounded completely narcisstic and we know that BPD's are attracted to Narcisstic people for identity.  Me... .I was too honest, too sincere and I confronted her on her inconsistencies b/c they made me so crazy.  I paid attention to her b/c I loved her.  I didn't need her, I just loved her.  She couldn't handle being loved.  So she painted me black and the rest is history.

My thoughts are that my ex will remarry eventually.  Then divorce.  Then look for Mr or Mrs Right again... .that magical, fantasized person who is out there somewhere.  But one thing is certain, if she doesn't get the help she needs and work hard to help herself,she will always be a miserable, sad person... .no matter who she is with or how long she is with them.

[mtn]

She might be cyclic - maybe it comes on every 6, 8, 12 mos.  Seasonal, kinda.

The other thing... .perhaps the rebound isn't getting that close emotionally - maybe he's NPD.  Might not be doing anything to trigger her fears.


But, then... .so what?  Go live your life, make yourself happy with what you are doing.

[schwing]

There's also the possibility that she is sticking with a keeper.  They do happen.  Look at some of the posts from nons that have been with their BPD for 20+ years... .married, children, still just as unhappy as we ever were, but in a "stable" relationship.

BPDs can stick around with some people with "compatible" personality issues.  Think co-dependents.  Think narcissistic personality disorder. 

Just because she can be in a stable dynamic with some other smoe doesn't mean he's no less unhappy than you were.  He may have a much greater tolerance for pain than you did. 

Best wishes, Schwing

[ben22]

it's hard because we see the happiness we had with them.  And the longer they have it with someone else, the longer we question our own actions?  Were we too hasty?  Impatient? Not caring enough? 

Were we just incompatible?  or did they know we saw through their lies? 

I would feel much happier if I knew there was trouble between them.  But something tells me she is going to marry this guy.  Just something about it.

[nolongersadfriend]

interesting replies.

i always wondered why his ex long term gf lasted for so long - 4.5 years.  yet from the time he started talking to me (about 7 months before the end of their relationship) he hated her.

everything he said pointed to the fact that she "didnt care".   he always alluded to the fact that she wasn't "like other women" and i would say "yeah, she sounds like a coldhearted btch".  she was also studying to be a dr. so that was a "plus" for him because she wouldn't "be dependent" on him.

she never got jealous and that bothered him. 

but also they met when he was just 19, so maybe that had something to do with it.

i was also gonna say the same thing about looking at people here who have stayed in long term relationships with a BPD... .the BPD is still a miserable ___ while the non is suffering.


be happy you're out.

[NonEntity]

It can take years for someone who is clueless about the massive damage that mental illness can cause to realize that they are having a relationship with someone that makes no sense.

And borderlines often find someone to replace you when you are "on to" them. So the new victim could last a long time. This is a good thing - the borderline isn't trying to destroy YOU any more.

Many new partners of borderlines are as sick or sicker than the borderline - they need the borderline as much or more than the borderline needs them. These are not situations you should feel envy for. You have grown, the borderline hasn't, they need someone to dance with, you need to heal yourself and perhaps find someone that actually realizes that you exist as someone separate from them.

[paul16]

NonEntity nailed it. You should be rooting for the rebound relationship to last a long time. Long enough so if it ever does end there won't be much of a chance that she can set her sights on you. The more time that goes by the less vunerable you will be to any kind of a re-connection.

She couldn't fool you anymore so she found someone that she could. I stayed fooled for way too long. There are others who can see through her right away and more who would have seen it way before I did. Kudos to them.

[veryconfused]

Ben

I think most of us have been where you are, have felt what you are feeling.

It hurts to have loved someone so much, to have thought they loved you just as much and only to find out it didn't really mean anything to them.

I am sorry you are hurting.  It is very painful and you have come to the right place to sort out your feelings and find answers to your questions.

You are getting many good responses on this thread and I promise that even though much of what is being said is painful to you, someday you feel the same as us and you won't want her back nor will it bother you about the other person in her life.

This is a process and oh-man, is it ever hard.  The hardest thing most of us have ever had to deal with.  There will be many up's and down's, many good days and bad... .but as long as you focus on YOU, things will get easier.

Understanding BPD and conceptualizing how it affected your relationship takes a long, long time.  Identifying the reasons for your relationship with her and doing some major self-reflection is the most important... .but don't be too hard on yourself.  Honestly, BPD's are the MOST insane people and I would even venture to say they are far more insane than schizophrenics or out of control bipolar's for the simple reason that they intentionally and manipulatively exploit others for their own needs.  Yeah, we can feel sorry for them for being mentally ill, and I do feel for them, but you have to admit, even a 3 year old child cares at some point how their actions affect others... .BPD's don't care and if they do, there is a reason, another manipulation as to why they care.

As for the new partner of your ex, someday you will feel sorry for him.  Yeah, I've been there with the jealousy about why their good times lasted so much longer than mine did with her... .but remember, it won't last!  Again, you're getting good feedback on this thread.  Keep reading through it.

Good luck! 

[CrunkChipmunk]

Well lets see my second BPD relationship the girl left a guy she had been with for four years to be with me for 9 months but she'd made it clear to me that all that time she had been cheating on the 4 year boyfriend with someone else and guess what dude she revealed she'd been cheating on me as well and for all I know she cheated on me with the 4 year boyfriend and the guy she originally cheated on him with before me. She cheated on me with a new guy who she told me was a 40+ year old loser but she had to be with him because he triggered her love fantasies.

So try not to worry about it so much.

They never realize their dreams just the same as our dreams are never realized with them.

Their dream is the ideal man fantasy and any new man will do but its only a matter of time before the fantasy is shattered when you dissapoint the girl in some way that a normal woman would deem insignificant or highly illogical.

Their idea of the ideal man is that he will be the one to take their pain and abandonment fears away as well their never ending need for the feeling of love which they can never hold onto.

[artist27]

My ex has been off and on with a guy that we work with.  She was seeing him when she met me and ditched him and then went back off and on after we broke up.  During our “friendship” phase she always, and occasionally when we still talk, talks about him like he’s some sort of object or plaything.  They seem happy at times but I know that pain he goes through. 

He’s pretty much co-dependent and does every little thing for her.  I’ve seen the abuse she puts him through.  It’s on a level that I never saw because I never let her do that to me.  I mean if she is raging he will literally sit at his desk and not talk to anyone and he will tell people that he can’t talk to anyone, like some little kid, it’s quite pathetic.  It is an example of what can happen if you have no boundaries with a borderline.  This is how she wanted me to be and believe me she tried really hard to make it happen.

My point is though that the only reason they keep talking is because she knows that she can go to him anytime, and being the co-dependent he is, he will cater to her every need.  Its instant validation and attention for her and for him it’s the same because his co-dependent needs are fulfilled because he gets to feel good about doing something for someone.  It’s the perfect storm and it is very destructive to both of them.

I hate to say it but seeing him helps keep me away from her.  It is just too pathetic and for all the work he does to try to keep her she treats him like crap and gives him no loyalty. She talks so horribly about him, calls him stupid in front of people and even jokes around about him like he’s a pet.  She has no respect for him. If I had responded to any of the re-engages she has put out in the last six to eight months she would have ditched him again like it was nothing.  Even without me she blows him off constantly and I can always tell because he’ll sit at his desk, practically in tears until she feels like talking to him again.  Count your blessings the price is to high…at least for me it is.

[liberateddad]

Why do you care?  You are out of it and it is not your problem.  It is no way a measure of you so let it go.  You are on the road to recovery. 

My ex married the guy 5 mos after she put me in jail.  15 mos later she filed for divorce.  I used to wonder.  I no longer do... .

LD

[TonyC]

i was thinking along the same lines as ld... .

lets say he threw her to the curb last night... .

you want her back?

[SlipKnot]

ben

you are letting the insecurities she bred in you get to you. remember this; she never felt for you the way you think she did so you did not fail as she told you that you did and you did not lose what you think you had.

AND

the longer she is with someone else, the less likely you will have to deal with a re-engagement, as others here have said.

when i make the split, i hope she finds someone who keeps her away from me for the rest of my life. and i will not feel sorry for him either. i know how she will talk about me and i know he will agree and that is ok. i want my freedom back. for me and the kids.

mine is particularly nasty so i may be venting a little today BUT i have been damaged in ways that may never heal and i am a little upset about it. even if my wife changes upon leaving me and the next guy gets a devoted, caring wife... .i still dont care. he can have her... .she almost killed me. and i need to get away and STAY AWAY.

take care

slipknot

[ben22]

i was thinking along the same lines as ld... .

lets say he threw her to the curb last night... .

you want her back?

Probably not.  I guess it's maybe some guilt that it looks like the new chump is filling her needs more than i could.  But i've read a lot about this stuff.  They are never happy.  She told me once "Ben, i'll never be happy with anyone."  My ex has major issues and mental illnesses.  It's bad when you tell people the best part of her is her Bipolar.  But one thing i am pretty certain of.  If this new relationship is going to fall apart, who does she have on the top of her list for resources to go back to? Me.  So i guess people are right, the longer she is with this new guy the better. 

[TonyC]

the new guys probably... .

saying what the hell is wrong with her... .

it dont matter... .you dont want her back... .you handed her off... .to the next victim...

the punishment ended 7 months ago

you are punishing yourself... .

you should be dating someone , who is worthy. of you... .

go get the phone... .call the girl you met last week... .

[liberateddad]

I know for a fact that the new husband is shaking his head and wondering what he got himself into.

Whirlwind romance

not knowing what hit him

married before he could say no

never able to do anything right

rages beyond belief

trying to get away and being stalked and hounded

being belittled at every turn

not know what the hell is going on


sound familiar.  the script is all the same.

LD

[JoannaK]

Why do you think she is happy with him?

[cult]

The number one thing to remember - and it could be that no matter how frequently or how loudly others tell us this, time and experience is the only thing that will really get it through our heads: IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT. YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG, AND YOU ARE A LOVEABLE PERSON WHO WILL FIND THE 'RIGHT ONE' for you.

BPDs are incapable of loving someone on the same terms as "normal" people. Think of it like this: a newborn infant is screaming for whatever it might need - a bottle, a pat on the back, a diaper change. In their frame of reference, NOTHING is more important than that immediate, intense need they have. Once the need is satisfied, they forget about it until the next intense, immediate need surfaces. And on and on it goes. There is no sense of commitment or obligation to whoever changes the diaper, they just need that diaper changed by SOMEONE, ANYONE, they don't care who. BPDs are kind of like this. Emotionally they are infants. They cannot relate to ANYONE on an adult level without therapy and hard work on their part. Of course, in normal development the infant grows and develops (we hope) normal feelings of love and attachment to their caregivers. The theory is this process gets whacked, big time, when a BPD adult is the result.

In any case, let someone else change the diaper. My feeling is you deserve the love of an adult and you will have that when you are ready for it. It's not personal, and in time, you will learn that.

Cult

[Watchfreek]

I feel the on and off as long as they are not living together can go longer than a real marriage were they are always on top of each other. BPD can not live under the same roof 24/7 with a spouse.

So marriages last longer especially when there is CHILDREN involved. I stay with my ex for 13 years and 7 of them were HELL on earth. I had a family and responsibly and just because she was a little sick, angry, nasty, abusive, complaining, not taking care of the children, and a million other issues my job was to stick by my wife to PROVE my love for her and show my children a stable home. But guess what IT DOES NOT WORK they keep on pushing the boundaries more and more until you crack inside. for me personally I was able to live threw it all but she had to take it to the level I could not tolerate she cheated on me that was the final over nail in the coffin. so point is people are asking how come people stay for such a long time there are several factors

a- children

b- how strong you are to leave

c-money issues

d- so depressed cant do it

e- embarrassment

etc... .

but remember once the BPD women comes out of that sweet loving caring sexy outside shell and she turns into the real her from that point on it is just torture and pain for the partner and the marriage is OVER. and the rest of the time is just 2 divorce angry people leaving with each other until the reason the official breakup is not happening

[Pretty Woman]

Ben,

  I will tell you this... .some people trigger your ex more than others.

Don't judge on the amount of time she is with the replacement. The pattern will continue although it might be longer with some than others.

I know first hand my ex has cheated in EVERY relationship. She has repeated romances with others while dating someone new. I know three of her exes and all of them were treated horribly. All of them she accused of being abusive yet in the middle of our relationship I started hearing how "wonderful" they were, even one she had accused of rape.

Don't try to understand her actions. She is disordered, and you are free! Heal thyself. That's what this time is for, especially in the event she tries to return.

You are better than this.

PW

[homefree]

I would even venture to say they are far more insane than schizophrenics or out of control bipolar's for the simple reason that they intentionally and manipulatively exploit others for their own needs.

- VeryConfused

I just wanted to add some strictly anecdotal evidence to support this. It's not meaningful, but I found it interesting in regards to the comparison.

I had a relationship (My first, really) a long time ago with someone who was diagnosed as bipolar after we separated. It became clear to me this was the case looking back, just as the BPD fits perfectly after this last relationship. I was recently at a place I had visited with my pwBPD, and even though we were there early in the heart of the idealization period, I realized that if I had been there with the first relationship I had, we would have had much more fun and I would have felt more comfortable that I was actually connecting with her. In hindsight, even in the 'magical' period of the BPD relationship, I recognized that I had always been wishing she was more 'there'. It was all a bit too shallow, like the words were there, but not the actions, and I realize now that I felt a little nervous since even then I didn't know what was really happening. I don't remember feeling that with the bipolar relationship. I was love addicted and helplessly enmeshed in both, but the first one felt vastly more like a real relationship, even though it was our first and we didn't really know what we were doing. It's so weird to realize this. I view this as a good sign that I am coming out of the fog of the discard.