Partner threatening another break?

[jessie2100]

Hi everyone, this is my first post here. Apologies for the length! There is a lot of context to cover.

I've been with my partner for almost six years and really, our relationship is great, and I feel our connection and feelings have only increased as time has gone on. We chat every day, even if we're out and about, and see each other often. We rarely argue and share most of the same interests. However, they are absolutely plastered with a whole host of psychological problems and I have suspected BPD for a long time now as they tick pretty much all the boxes. They have struggled with identity problems for as long as I have known them, and suffer from pretty severe dissociation and emptiness, along with issues with depression and anxiety. They have self-harmed extensively in the past, and suffer from mood swings. They also have extreme difficulty validating themselves, and tend to have a very negative self-opinion. They have been through a course of clinical psychiatry which proved very helpful in aiding their depression and anxiety, but they are still left with a lot of issues regarding identity. They did self-refer themselves recently on a short course with a councilor but I don't think its been particularly helpful.

While our relationship generally has been great, it has also been quite a struggle. Not just with their issues but mine (I suffer from pretty bad anxiety problems which I'm currently getting treatment for). They have also had a great deal of trouble with intimacy in general, sometimes going months without any sexual contact at all. They didn't even like holding hands or kissing, apart from the odd occasion. However, the main issues seem to have come about this year. Recently, their granddad who was very ill moved into their house with them and their parents (they're 23, I'm 26) so he could be cared for full time. Needless to say, my partner took this quite badly, being that they were very close to him, and has been very ill with dementia. Caring for him has been an incredible struggle and my partner just isn't coping well with it at all.

This seems to have reflected on our relationship. In May this year, they started getting very friendly with a girl, chatting often and stuff, and I knew they had had a crush on this girl for a few years but I didn't think much of it. Then around April, my partner started talking about how they didn't like the term 'love' is in 'i love you', which we tended to tell each other often, because it dictated a fatalistic agenda over the relationship (they have also had big problems with the concept of marriage, but I do too), and then started saying how if we only met each other now, rather than five years ago, we would probably only be friends. So naturally, this kind of talk started to mess with my head. Then a few weeks later, this girl my partner had a thing for was staying over at their house (I had stayed there for a few days previously and we had a great time) and something happened. They both got drunk and this girl ended up biting the neck of my partner which I would say is a pretty intimate act. I was told about it the next day as if it was no big deal but naturally I reacted badly to it. It was only a couple of days later that my partner starts telling me that they wanted to start a relationship with this girl that may or may not involve sex, with me on the side. It was really weird because it just seemed like I was suddenly talking to a different person entirely. Naturally I outright refused and asked what the hell they were playing at and things got very emotional very quickly. I begged them not to do it and they said they wouldn't. We then started talking for the rest of the day and my partner admitted they had problems and asked if we could go on a break for a bit to allow them to process everything, assuring me they still liked me very much and would return to me. I agreed. The weird thing is, after agreeing to this, my partner then stated that they no longer had any desire to have a relationship with this other girl? Despite being really excited about the night before? It was as if it suddenly didn't matter anymore... .

The weird thing is, not one week after we declared this break, my partner was around my house and we had very intimate sex. And over the course of the next two months, it happened many times. In fact, the dynamics of our relationship didn't really change. We still talked to each other all the time and saw each other often. My partner also started getting more intimate with me, and was dishing out these big compliments about how great and attractive I was, and how they loved spending time with me because I felt like home. And a mere two months later, they asked me out again and I said yes (They broke down a week or two beforehand in front of me, declaring how sorry they were for doing what they did, and acknowledging that the whole break thing seemed to be just a response to the bad stuff that was happening at home. They said they would try and change their ways, recognise the bad thought patterns). They seemed to be really nervous about doing it. We talked about it at the time and they were afraid I would expect them to change or something, and I said I expected them to be themselves. The weird thing is, even though we were back together and things were good, the intimacy suddenly stopped, as did the sex. They said it was because they were having trouble connecting with that side of themselves and I accepted that, especially with how bad things were at their home. We've generally had a great time over the past couple of months, and they slept over my house the other night and we had an absolute blast. We got very intimate and sex inevitably happened, after not doing it for a few months. I was sensing a new, great bond between us and it felt fantastic. The morning after was really nice, and they even just out of the blue declared how much they liked me and we shared a really intimate hug.

However, I was driving them to the train station afterwards, as they were going out of town to see a friend, and suddenly they looked really worried. I asked what was wrong and they said they were refraining from sex with me for the past couple of months so they could just appreciate our relationship for what it was, and having sex 'changed that', even though they didn't necessarily regret it... .and that they were worried that our relationship was hampering their ability to establish their own identity what with how close we are, and were worried that they would end up resenting it, and was pondering the idea of singleness and 'coming back to it at another time'. This is exactly what they said the aim of the last break was, and it lasted two months... .They did say that its nothing conclusive, but its been bothering them for a while and wanted to get it off their mind. I was naturally taken aback by it, but they again assured me that they liked me a great deal and did not want to loose me, and we shared a nice hug and kiss, and they smiled at me before they left. We haven't been in much contact since but I did send them a text later on basically saying that it seemed to mirror old thought patterns and that they said they would be trying to avoid that from now on, and that they had this tendency to push me away when they get stressed when they should be seeking my help. I reminded me them that they have an identity outside of our relationship, and that the sex is just sex, we did it because we wanted to, because we're attracted to each other. They replied last night saying they weren't able to respond properly but they 'appreciated' what I said.

So that's where we are now. It just seems so odd that they would come out with something like that, after having such a nice, intimate evening/day? Its like they have been holding back on intimacy and then as soon as they let it come out in full throttle, they retract immediately as if they're intimidated by it. We have had similar conversations in the past, whereby my partner has thrown some kind of heavy hitting thing at our relationship, and all seems doomed, but then the next day its as if it never happened. I have a feeling this might just blow over but I'm unsure. It has left me rather anxious and frustrated though. They're far too impulsive, and they don't recognise their own thought distortions. Its almost as if they invent these things in order to validate their own anxieties. I've tried telling them countless times to stop over-thinking the relationship, just to let it be, and that we're in one together because we love each other, and they accept that, but it doesn't seem to stick for some reason. They have done this whole 'pushing away' business before... saying I deserve someone better and cutting contact with me a day or something until I tell them to stop. I do know they have a great fear of abandonment and express regularly express anxieties that no one really likes them, including their friends and family. Could that be what is driving all of this?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

The deep fear of losing themselves is more likely in play. There is a great article called "why we struggle in our relationships" on this site that is very illuminating on that point. Read it--it may make more sense. You seem to be handling it quite well, BTW--not withdrawing or overreacting, but affirming a loving separate-ness works for you.

[jessie2100]

Hi thanks for the reply! And oh I haven't been able to find that article? Could you link it to me? I think they do have a very rooted anxiety in regards to loosing themselves. They have said that because we have been through so much together and share so much, they put a lot of emphasis on the relationship for terms of validation and things. But I have encouraged them to have a life outside of the relationship, and they do really, I did have to remind them of that. And yeah I kind of am, but like I said, it has left me frustrated and triggered my anxiety quite badly. They were very appreciating of how I just listened and hugged and kissed me for it, and did say that it wasn't conclusive or anything, they were just getting it off their chest.

They will be away an extra day but we've been texting casually and they seem fine really so I don't know... maybe it will slide. Its hard to tell. I hope so anyway. The last break was very hard on me. It just seems so bizarre for that to come out after having such a good time together?

[patientandclear]

Here's that excellent article:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

[patientandclear]

It is bizarre to many who don't have BPD or traits. But--they do. So it makes sense.

I don't have BPD or prominent traits. But I ran from a very close r/ship with my best friend turned lover when I was in grad school. There was no reason I could identify other than that it felt "too close" and I felt I was going to lose myself. I was young, not BPD, and I think I did need to be alone in the world to truly become who I am. (And later, I regretted leaving him.)  But the point is, it DID "make sense." It was an overpowering feeling of needing to get away from someone I would now call the love of my life, with whom there was absolutely nothing wrong. Those two things CAN go together.

[jessie2100]

Thanks for the link. I read it. Very informative and I think it does relate to my partner in a lot of ways. And you are right, sometimes people do need to get away to become themselves more but, I'm not sure that applies to my partner because this was the reason we had the last break, that only lasted two months. And they said it was a mistake. It does seem to be based more on impulse informed by anxiety.

[formflier]

  And they said it was a mistake. It does seem to be based more on impulse informed by anxiety.  

   Remember, pwBPD have impulses (to us) but to them they see them as a lifelong reality that they need to take immediate action on.  Feelings drive their reality.  Their feelings are not stable.  In other words, what your partner thinks is the reason for the break today and if it was a mistake, most likely will be very different from what they say when they have different feelings.  Contrast that to P&C.  She has looked at her actions and reasons for leaving the r/s a long time ago.  Her view of that seems stable.  My guess is if you asked her about the r/s when she was having a bad day and if you asked on a good day, you would get pretty much the same story.    

FF    

[jessie2100]

My partner's feelings are definitely not stable, its true. They never have been for the entire 5 and a half years that we have been together. But its a lot more sporadic. Nothing is consistent with them. I recall times in the past for instance, whereby they have become really distant in the relationship because the concept of marriage and moving in together placed a 'futility' over the relationship and it was just tainting it. So I said that I had absolutely no intention of doing either of those things, and that marriage specifically was something I was not on board with. Suddenly things were fine. What's really odd about that however, was that I had never talked about marriage or moving in together at all before then. They just assumed this was the case, almost like projection. What's even weirder, was that I was practically living with them already at the point, and did so for four years while they were studying in uni. And whenever I suggested giving them space they didn't want to. Its been the same for a lot of things which I hinted at in the main post. Like my partner had a massive problem with sex for a long time, to the point whereby I said we should just not engage in it, and so it was. Then after not too long, they were wanting to have sex again... .In fact, I've in the past even switched off the idea of sex and intimacy and they has asked why I don't talk to them about it! Or tease them or anything. And I'm just thinking... because you don't want me to?

Its the same thing with this whole 'break' business. The reason they want it to be a 'break' is because they cannot bare the thought of loosing me or pushing me away. Hell, they've said the thought of me with anyone else would crush them and often jokes about having to battle away the competition. But the last break we went on only lasted a month and a half (before they basically declared that they wanted to get back together again), and they didn't want any of the relationship dynamics to change in that time, and they didn't. We still saw each other a lot, talked/texted everyday. We went to London twice together, and even had a brief trip to Wales. Hell, they even started holding my hand in public despite not really being a fan of it before. We initially cut contact but they didn't want to do that after about two weeks. I even threatened to stop talking to them entirely at the start of the break and they suddenly started panicking; asking me why. And four months later after getting back together again, they're hinting at the break thing again. This is after sharing a really intimate and nice evening together (there were many laughs and its a great time), and hell, just the other week, they were saying that if their future job took them to other countries they'd want me to come along! Like I said, they have been away for a couple of days since then, and I've texted them about it, saying that they seem to be falling into similar thought distortions and to stop pushing me away, and they said they appreciated that. We've been texting frequently since then and they seem fine. I read somewhere on this website that a relationship with a BPD sufferer is like a "roller coaster" which is funny because that is the exact word I used to describe my relationship to my therapist.

[jessie2100]

Further update:

My partner got back from their trip, I picked up them up from the train station yesterday afternoon, and we spent the rest of the day, and all today together. Everything seems fine. We've laughed quite a bit and they were very excited to tell me all about their trip. I'm a little apprehensive around them, worrying that it will come up again but so far, its been pretty much normal. So yeah. What the hell? Think I'm just going to back off for a while, in regards to intimacy and just respond to them. They seem to have a very conflicting relationship with intimacy and sex in general and it seems to be ever more conflicted at the moment. God I wish I could just have a normal relationship sometimes... .

[formflier]

  God I wish I could just have a normal relationship sometimes,

   Very normal feelings to have and a good thought process to go through every once in a while.  Is this worth it?  Is a common question that we all need to be able to answer.  "Why do I stay?"  Very important that we work through this and get the point to where we have and make a choice, vice living by default.    

FF

[jessie2100]

Absolutely. Its been a nagging thought that's entered my head a few times over the years... why can't things just be good and normal... but in all honesty it is worth it. My partner definitely has BPD tendencies but I wouldn't say they apply to it aggressively. They are very aware that they have problems, and they have and are, seeking help for it. And despite these impulses to run away that have come up recently... they have got a lot better since when we first started going out. I just think last year rattled them in their recovery in regards to a bad family situation they were and are still going through. They lost a grandparent when they were a teenager and admitted that they never processed it well at all, and their parents never really helped either, leading me to suspect its one of the contributions to their mental state at the moment. Having their other grandparent start to whittle away I think has driven these thoughts back into sharp focus, coupled with the dread of loosing him. Logically, there is no wonder we've had problems this last year?

But all that aside, I'm not codependent. I'm with my partner despite the problems because I love them a great deal and I know they feel the same way about me, which is why they feel bad about putting me through stuff because of their problems. The relationship isn't abusive. They validate my feelings and are supportive when I need them to be, and I to them. I had a very bad phase of social anxiety and insecurity a couple of months ago and they were very loving and supportive through that. And at the end of the day, we're also best friends, and share much of the same interests and passions. They said just after our last break that they considered me a "rare gem" which is a big compliment coming from someone who is generally not really that expressive, and is currently battling depression. And I know despite their recent impulses to push me away, that is the last thing they want to do. Firstly because they have identified that themselves and stated it several times already, and secondly because its apparent within their actions too... hence why we had a 'break' rather than a 'breakup'... and why over that time they didn't want our intimate dynamic to change... and why they didn't want to stop contact... and why if anything, our intimacy increased over that period... and why it only last two months... I just have to remain calm and patient with them really, as I have always done. I do hope they will fully recover from this though, and we can start to have a relationship without the unnecessary drama. They way things are going, I don't think that's too farfetched... that coming from a naturally skeptical person.

[formflier]

  OK, so the "issue of the moment" has blown over.  What is you plan to get yourself stronger, more healthy?  What lessons have you been reading lately?  Use this "downtime" for good for you and the r/s.    

FF

[jessie2100]

Well I think my plan at the moment is to not shy away from any issues that arise. If something hard-hitting against the relationship arises, I'll just approach it with calm, level-headedness. Validate but not freak out about it, sort of thing. This is essentially what I did when this 'break' business came up last time and the response was very good. I just broke down everything they said and explained how most of it was based on thought-distortions. That was almost a week ago and it hasn't come up again. I think another thing I may have learnt is that I won't base my happiness on my partner so much anymore. Before, if they had periods of little emotional engagement, I would stress about the smallest things, waiting for it to abate... I guess I'm not really doing that anymore... which could also be down to the therapy I'm receiving for my own anxiety problems. And I think I'm gaining more self-confidence in general really. I know my partner likes me a great deal and thus there isn't really much risk of 'competition'. Hell, the person they threatened to have a 'thing' with last year has nothing on me, and my partner stated that a few times. And if they don't want to be physically intimate, I'm starting to think more along the lines of well, its their loss.

Its all just games at the end of the day. I'm used to this behavior. I guess its just their way of working out their issues... but at least they're trying, no matter how difficult it is, to work them out.

[JohnLove]

I just broke down everything they said and explained how most of it was based on thought-distortions. That was almost a week ago and it hasn't come up again.

Maybe I've misunderstood but this sounds perilously close to JADEing... .but with the desired result?