Communication

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My topic got locked as I was replying to Flourdust so I will continue it with a new subject heading.

I picked this subject heading because I believe I got in this position with my partner because he couldn't wait to get into a relationship with me before he was divorced, hence the reference to emotional immaturity.

Here is the last post in my last thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289314.msg12726347#msg12726347

Flour dust wrote

Yeah, I get that. I just don't know how you build a relationship on it. You can't have any trust in anything he says. What's a relationship without trust?

I actually don't have an issue with trusting him.

I think a long time ago people advised me to stay out of his divorce.

I am trying.

[unicorn2014]

My topic got locked as I was replying to Flourdust so I will continue it with a new subject heading.

I picked this subject heading because I believe I got in this position with my partner because he couldn't wait to get into a relationship with me before he was divorced, hence the reference to emotional immaturity.

Here is the last post in my last thread

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289314.msg12726347#msg12726347

Flour dust wrote

Yeah, I get that. I just don't know how you build a relationship on it. You can't have any trust in anything he says. What's a relationship without trust?

I actually don't have an issue with trusting him.

I think a long time ago people advised me to stay out of his divorce.

I am trying.

[LonelyChild]

I actually don't have an issue with trusting him.

unicorn2014,

You seriously NEED to figure out your contradictions. You're saying you have high standards of being truthful and honest. You're saying you don't feel comfortable applying the standard to others. You're saying you have and have had many, many dishonest persons in your life. And you're now saying you don't have issues trusting him, despite him being dishonest with you OVER and OVER.

I absolutely do not mean this in any demeaning manner, but it's almost getting ridiculous, and for your own sake, you need to stop and think about this and pick one, clear direction. If you can take his dishonesty, marriage status etc, so be it (no one may judge you for that), but do not pretend that it is anything other than what it is. Pretending and denying will get you many, many mental health problems in the coming years.

[flourdust]

I picked this subject heading because I believe I got in this position with my partner because he couldn't wait to get into a relationship with me before he was divorced, hence the reference to emotional immaturity.

I think that's putting an obfuscating label on a very clear problem: He lies a lot to get what he wants. He won't stop, even when caught.

I actually don't have an issue with trusting him.

This makes no sense to me.

You can't trust him to be honest about anything. He might have an affair and lie about it. He might rack up huge debt and lie about it. He might have STDs and lie about it.

It's bad enough when you're in an LDR. If you're together and married, you can't escape his lies by hanging up the phone. If he racks up debt, you're on the hook for it. If he's having an affair, you've got to deal with the fallout because you're under the same roof and all your assets are entangled.

I have friends who lie. I keep them at a safe distance. I don't let them into my life or my assets in a way where they could cause damage. I definitely wouldn't go into a partnership with one or co-sign a loan or anything like that.

[Sunfl0wer]

So I wrote a long post to the communication thread and it was erased when locked.

Here is the gist of what I said... .

I suspect that your struggling with a conflict of your actions aligning to your values.

Let me make up an example... .

My value: Two pieces of cake is not healthy for me.

My truth: I choose to eat two pieces of cake yesterday... .

I can expand this sentence by adding what I will call 'mitigating circumstances.'

I choose to eat two pieces of cake yesterday... .

... .but they were actually small pieces.

... .but I was at a birthday party and I never usually have cake.

... .Well, I am going jogging today so it doesn't matter so much.

... .Everyone else also had two pieces.

... .The cake was strawberry shortcake and a third of it was actually fruit.

... .It doesn't really count because I skipped lunch and dinner.

So I can try to expand on my original statement to try to add more meaning a bit/or clarify, however, I cannot really do much about the original statement as it will still remain an unchangeable fact that: I did eat two pieces of cake yesterday.  Sometimes I will add mitigating circumstances to try to align my behavior and values.  However, I feel most true to myself and loving to myself when I uphold and live my original values.

This is IMO, how I see Unicorn's conflict... .

Value: It is not ok to be in a relationship with a married man.

Truth: I am choosing to be in a relationship with a married man.

Mitigating circumstances:

I am choosing to be in a relationship with a married man... .

... .but he is working on a divorce.

... .who brings value to my D15's life.

... .who has a wife that is not really a good wife.

... .but he doesn't want to be married, it is merely a legal fact and not where his heart is.

... .I wouldn't have chosen this had I known he was married, yet I am here now, so am choosing to continue... .hence, I did not really 'choose' this.

... .ect.

Back to the cake... .

If I do not like the truth that I ate two pieces of cake, I may... .

1. Try to change the meaning of the truth: I can try to do this by adding what I am calling mitigating circumstances.

2. I can change my value to: It is ok to eat two or three slices of cake.

3. I can change my behavior to support my values: So next time I can consciously align my behavior with my values and choose accordingly.

Back to Unicorn... .

3. You have expressed in the past not 'being ready' to end this relationship.

2. You are clearly a strong minded individual in many ways and not wanting to compromise your values much. (I don't blame you).

By eliminating option #3,(as I do not even consider #2 an option) you are only leaving yourself option #1.

<sub>IMO: Focus by you, your SO, the member of this board is all 'mitigating circumstances' and not going to resolve the ultimate issue.  (I realize that many have stated the same in a variety of ways).

Any focus on his 'immaturity' or difficulty communicating, etc. appears to be a path of #1 which is leading to frustration and varying intensities of the same conflict again and again.</sub>



Thoughts?

[Kwamina]

This topic has reached its post limit and has therefor been locked. Thanks everyone who has participated here.