She says she's broken

[Euler2718]

BPDgf sometimes tells me she's broken... .indirectly last time since she sent me a video about people being broken.

Well, she IS broken, and I know it and so does she... .but if this ever comes up again, what is the best thing to say? In the past, I would have gone with the direct approach. "I know you're broken, and maybe you can get better, and I'm not abandoning you".

Telling the BPD you know she's broken might cause dysregulation, though, who's got a better approach?

Also, I might mention that Marsha Linehan has videos on youtube about DBT and that it was designed to help people with suicidal intentions, so I don't have to point out directly that she might have the dreaded BPD. She might figure out my trick, though (I was gonna say the videos had helped me). What about that?

We're NC now so I'm thinking ahead.

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[Turkish]

Well, she IS broken, and I know it and so does she... .but if this ever comes up again, what is the best thing to say? In the past, I would have gone with the direct approach. "I know you're broken, and maybe you can get better, and I'm not abandoning you".

I'm not BPD, but if you said that to me, it would be triggering.

Validation doesn't need to be complicated.

"How do you feel that you are broken?" Let her talk. Additional validation would be non-verbal signals on your side (facial expressions, body movement). She's severely wounded. Start a conversation. Your feelings are certainly valid, but addressing those are for later).

[Ceruleanblue]

I think what Turkish said is ideal. Pointing out anything to them is possibly very triggering. BPDh has said things like your gf said, and I tried to validate by saying something like "we all have our own issues, and that doesn't make us broken", but I think that actually sort of allowed him to excuse some of his behaviors. I now think, Turkish's idea for validation, followed by a slight question will get better, healthier results.

You can always count on someone here to come up with really sage advice.

[waverider]

Everybody is a little bit broken as no one s perfect. pwBPD simply dont understand the "little bit" broken aspect. Hence if they cant convince themselves they are perfect, they must be fully broken, and once that mindset sets in they give up as they don't believe they can be perfect.


Helping her to feel it is ok not to feel 100% ok, and that it is quite normal, and that you are aware that she struggles to feel good sometimes.

[HurtinNW]

I'm not BPD but I have feelings of brokenness due to having a history of abuse and a BPD mom. I totally get why your partner would relate this. I have tried to relate these feelings to my boyfriend.

I'd try to go deeper into what she is really wanting. She wants to know 1) will you accept these feelings of brokenness 2) will you accept why she feels this way? Be curious? Accept whatever abuse or whatever created these feelings in her? 3) love her anyhow?

If you can answer yes to those questions then that can guide you in how to lovingly validate her, accept her, and move forward.

As others have mentioned, for a highly sensitive person like a BPD, each feeling may seem overwhelming. A passing feeling of brokenness becomes the world, like a sliver that feels like a stab wound. Part of validation helps her put this in perspective.

Speaking from my own truth, what I have wanted a partner is to tell me, "You are not broken." I am guessing this is what she wants to hear too.

[Chilibean13]

What about asking her specifically how she thinks she is broken and how to fix it. Let her come up with some solutions and then if you feel like she is open enough, you could talk about some of your ideas. You might bring in some information on DBT or even use DBTselfhelp.com. You guys could explore that together.

[patientandclear]

I'm not BPD but I have feelings of brokenness due to having a history of abuse and a BPD mom. I totally get why your partner would relate this. I have tried to relate these feelings to my boyfriend.

I'd try to go deeper into what she is really wanting. She wants to know 1) will you accept these feelings of brokenness 2) will you accept why she feels this way? Be curious? Accept whatever abuse or whatever created these feelings in her? 3) love her anyhow?

If you can answer yes to those questions then that can guide you in how to lovingly validate her, accept her, and move forward.

As others have mentioned, for a highly sensitive person like a BPD, each feeling may seem overwhelming. A passing feeling of brokenness becomes the world, like a sliver that feels like a stab wound. Part of validation helps her put this in perspective.

Speaking from my own truth, what I have wanted a partner is to tell me, "You are not broken." I am guessing this is what she wants to hear too.

I disagree. Hearing "you are not broken" conveys the opposite of your excellent points at the top of this post, which are about "I will accept you with the difficult feelings you sometimes have." "You are not broken" seems almost textbook invalidating.

[Notwendy]

I think this touches on the core wounds that we may have in common. In my FOO, I believed I had to behave perfectly to be loved. This would make sense as we all had to WOE around BPD mom. In my H's family they did the same to avoid being shamed by critical father.

But yes, we are all probably a little bit broken emotionally. One thing I wished for was for someone to love me even if I didn't WOE and try to make them happy. I think this is what my BPD mom wishes for and yet she had it right in front of her. No matter what she did, my father adored her, but if I wan't well behaved, I was raged at.

The sad part is that the problem is with her. She can't see that she was loved no matter what. I think people with BPD have to work so hard to hide the part of them that they disconnected from as a child, but that's the part that is the child seeking love and acceptance. I don't know if it is even possible for someone to love them out of this, but for me, personally, it is being less reactive to these behaviors, with boundaries that seems to help. For me, it is self acceptance and acknowledging that I don't have to be perfect to be loved, and that if someone is angry at me it isn't the end of the world.

I think non reactivity, being calm in the storm and having clear boundaries is a stabilizing force in these relationships. As parents, we have to teach children that we love them even if we don't accept the behavior. I think this is the message that many of us didn't get as children growing up in families where we felt unloved if we made a mistake.

[JQ]

BPDgf sometimes tells me she's broken... .indirectly last time since she sent me a video about people being broken.

Well, she IS broken, and I know it and so does she... .but if this ever comes up again, what is the best thing to say? In the past, I would have gone with the direct approach. "I know you're broken, and maybe you can get better, and I'm not abandoning you".

Telling the BPD you know she's broken might cause dysregulation, though, who's got a better approach?

Also, I might mention that Marsha Linehan has videos on youtube about DBT and that it was designed to help people with suicidal intentions, so I don't have to point out directly that she might have the dreaded BPD. She might figure out my trick, though (I was gonna say the videos had helped me). What about that?

We're NC now so I'm thinking ahead.

Tim,

Having a relationship with someone who has BPD is a complicated situation you're in, walking on egg shells afraid to say the wrong thing or trying to research the right thing to say so you don't upset her and cause her to deregulate and rage. My exBPDgf told me the exact same thing, she was self aware, told me she had BPD ... ."I'm broken" "I'm not worthy of your love" "I hurt you" ... .links to video's were shared & references on BPD ... ."why I feel abandon" ... .  I had to dive into the world of BPD and learn a whole new language and procedures to try to talk to her or the best time to talk to her in order to have any type of conversation. 

We can only tell you what worked or didn't work for us ... .no two people regardless of how broke they are will react the same to every situation, response or words said not said ... .

Continue your search for your answer that work best for you ... .take care of you ... .remember ... .it's not about surviving it's about thriving 

[HurtinNW]

I'm not BPD but I have feelings of brokenness due to having a history of abuse and a BPD mom. I totally get why your partner would relate this. I have tried to relate these feelings to my boyfriend.

I'd try to go deeper into what she is really wanting. She wants to know 1) will you accept these feelings of brokenness 2) will you accept why she feels this way? Be curious? Accept whatever abuse or whatever created these feelings in her? 3) love her anyhow?

If you can answer yes to those questions then that can guide you in how to lovingly validate her, accept her, and move forward.

As others have mentioned, for a highly sensitive person like a BPD, each feeling may seem overwhelming. A passing feeling of brokenness becomes the world, like a sliver that feels like a stab wound. Part of validation helps her put this in perspective.

Speaking from my own truth, what I have wanted a partner is to tell me, "You are not broken." I am guessing this is what she wants to hear too.

I disagree. Hearing "you are not broken" conveys the opposite of your excellent points at the top of this post, which are about "I will accept you with the difficult feelings you sometimes have." "You are not broken" seems almost textbook invalidating.

You're right. I was suggesting he use the points I had mentioned, empathizing, understanding, accepting. I was also saying that for me there have been times I've wanted someone to tell me, no, you are not broken. I was speaking from my truth alone.

I do think it is wise to try and understand (if possible!) what the person is really needing. Does she need validation for feeling broken? Then give it. Or is she fishing for a denial, kind of the emotional version of asking if the pants you are wearing make your butt look too big? In that case she might want to hear, "I know you feel broken, and I understand why. I'm going to listen to you talk about it as much as you want. But you should know in my heart I think you are wonderful."

[waverider]

It is important not to fall into the projection trap.

In a pwBPD mind often when they say they are broken/bad/failure etc, they are projecting in their mind that is how others must see them. This compounds their feeling of failure.

While it is not good to directly contradict their opinion by saying "you are not broke", it is quite ok to clarify your view of them by saying something along the lines of " I dont view you as broken, just someone who struggles to think positive about themselves"

This way you are hearing what they are saying, empathizing that it is a struggle for them, also you are keeping you view clear and avoiding having their view projected as yours, (SET)

If someone is open to being diagnosed it doesn't hurt to mention that what they are feeling is common for people with teh disorder, so at least they dont feel like the only person in the world with these problems, and there situation is recognized.