Never knew breaking up would be this difficult, and also this rewarding

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Next week will be 7 months NC. As in not a peep. From a BPDx who ALWAYS came running back to me. I've been through it all with her. The best and worst relationship of my life.  I still have trouble breathing when I look at her beautiful photos, or drive by a place which reminds me of her. Had I known breaking up was this gut wrenching and hard, I would have done it a loong time ago, and spared myself the agony.

But the agony is precisely what is allowing me to grow.  For once in my life I enjoy being alone.  Sure, I wish I had an amazing woman by my side to share the greatness of life.  But until then, I don't mind the solitude.  I enjoy sitting in my yard, hearing the birds, the rustling of the trees. Knowing I could get up and do whatever I wanted and be totally free.

I have learned a lot about myself which I would not have had I left her earlier than I did.  One thing that sticks out is how much of a fantasy world I lived in.  I took what was obviously a broken, troubled girl and turned her in my mind into a mythical goddess who could do no wrong. Someone I worshipped and wanted to please 24/7.

I never knew breaking up would be this difficult.  But I realize I am finally growing from that wounded child into a strong man.

[hopealways]

Next week will be 7 months NC. As in not a peep. From a BPDx who ALWAYS came running back to me. I've been through it all with her. The best and worst relationship of my life.  I still have trouble breathing when I look at her beautiful photos, or drive by a place which reminds me of her. Had I known breaking up was this gut wrenching and hard, I would have done it a loong time ago, and spared myself the agony.

But the agony is precisely what is allowing me to grow.  For once in my life I enjoy being alone.  Sure, I wish I had an amazing woman by my side to share the greatness of life.  But until then, I don't mind the solitude.  I enjoy sitting in my yard, hearing the birds, the rustling of the trees. Knowing I could get up and do whatever I wanted and be totally free.

I have learned a lot about myself which I would not have had I left her earlier than I did.  One thing that sticks out is how much of a fantasy world I lived in.  I took what was obviously a broken, troubled girl and turned her in my mind into a mythical goddess who could do no wrong. Someone I worshipped and wanted to please 24/7.

I never knew breaking up would be this difficult.  But I realize I am finally growing from that wounded child into a strong man.

[Moselle]

That's a great post. It resonates with me, thanks for sharing.

I lived in that delusional fantasy world for 14 years, and I too am grateful for the pain which has turned me to my issues. The things that I must change...

For a long time, my energy spent on fixing her was my primary Misson. It was easier to do that,  than have to face my own deep inner child issues.

We are in a 2 years high conflict divorce, but I met her yesterday for 2 hours to discuss the children, and she was the beautiful,  charming, confident seductress I fell for 14 years ago. She apologised for all the pain she has caused, held my hand with tears in her eyes. Of course I know it's not real. It is who she was yesterday. Today the darkness will have returned.

[troisette]

Thank you for a beautifully expressed post hopealways. I'm glad to hear you are getting there.

Keep on going on Moselle, good thoughts to you re your divorce. I hope life is easier on the work front now.