Caught him w another chick and he broke up with me.

[Lovingme35]

Things between me and my ex bf were slowly improving over the last two months after our last breakup. We spent new years, his birthday, my birthday and even had plans for valentines day. Last weekend during my birthday trip to a couple of wineries, we even starting making plans to take another vacation together. During the trip, my girlfriend that attended with us, drank too much and upset my ex. This past week, he has been distant. I was doing most of the contacting, so I already knew things were going bad.

Yesterday, he was supposed to contact me after he got off work to help out with paint colors. It never happened. I went for a drive to try and calm down and gain some clarity. Sitting at the stop light, I looked over and his car stopped on the other side of the road. I kept watching and a girl that I never met jumped out of his car and jumped into another car and left. I called him as he was still sitting there and asked what he was doing. He said he was just leaving the gym and heading to check his mail. I confronted him and he said she was just a friend that rode to the gym with him. It kind of made since because she was parked on a busy road on the far side of his apartment complex. She could have easily parked in guest parking and it would have been free.

I met him at his apartment and said I just wanted him to be honest with me if he was seeing other people. He said he was not but that we were not together anymore so I shouldn't care if he chose to. He then proceeded to break up with me saying that his feelings have been removed from our relationship for a long time. I told him I was done and would not be going through this again. We have been through 2 years of countless breakups and recycles that happen over and over again. I remained calm and tried to get him to see his patterns. Not just with me but past girlfriends as well. He couldn't see them and the more I talked the more his wall came up. At one point I told him to look me in the eyes. He did but his eyes were just cold. I hugged him, gave him a kiss and left. He held and kissed me back.

I am trying to understand why he pulled me back in this past time. It was our longest breakup, and when we got back together, it was explosive. Intentionally not being careful EVERY TIME we together physically, when his biggest fear is having a child. He said last night that he was comfortable with me. That's why he keeps coming back, but he wants to keep me as a friend. I told him that wasn't happening. I told him that if he wanted to see other people to just tell me, and I would do the same. Now valentines day is up in the air and I feel like I should cancel it. He wanted me to cancel it last night and I talked him out of it. After getting home I started thinking differently. He wants to meet for a quick dinner at 6 and then be back at his house by 7:30. I just don't understand how he can treat the person that is closest too him so badly. Everything was going so well up until last Sunday. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lovingme35]

I think I am going to cancel the reservation we have for Sunday. I don't see anything good coming out of it.

[Lovingme35]

His response was "OK"

So then I wrote that I was going to drop off all of his things and that I was tired of being taken advantage of.

No response.

[Cyrus304]

At this point in time you need to protect your feelings first. It sounds like you moving on is probably for the best. It might be painful to hear, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can begin to heal.

[Lovingme35]

Any insight into saving the relationship would be helpful. I am very angry and hurt and I know that lashing out at him through text is not good for either of us.

[C.Stein]

Any insight into saving the relationship would be helpful. I am very angry and hurt and I know that lashing out at him through text is not good for either of us.

Can you trust him?

[Lovingme35]

Any insight into saving the relationship would be helpful. I am very angry and hurt and I know that lashing out at him through text is not good for either of us.

Can you trust him?

Yes

[Cyrus304]

Any insight into saving the relationship would be helpful. I am very angry and hurt and I know that lashing out at him through text is not good for either of us.

Lashing out would probably be a terrible move at this point. You might have to come to the realization that it is beyond saving. It can be extremely painful, but like I said, the sooner you move on the sooner you can begin to heal.

If you said your peace and left, I'd probably keep going and maintain your dignity.  

[C.Stein]

Any insight into saving the relationship would be helpful. I am very angry and hurt and I know that lashing out at him through text is not good for either of us.

Can you trust him?

Yes

Even after he lied to you?  Can you trust him with your emotional well being, trust him to safe guard the love and trust you give him?  

Point is ... .there are many levels of trust.  If there is any hope of moving forward then you have to completely trust him ... .and he needs to respect, value, and most importantly not betray that trust.  :)o you have that with him because based on what you wrote in your initial post you do not?

[Lovingme35]

Any insight into saving the relationship would be helpful. I am very angry and hurt and I know that lashing out at him through text is not good for either of us.

Can you trust him?

Yes

Even after he lied to you?  Can you trust him with your emotional well being, trust him to safe guard the love and trust you give him?  

Point is ... .there are many levels of trust.  If there is any hope of moving forward then you have to completely trust him ... .and he needs to respect, value, and most importantly not betray that trust.  :)o you have that with him because based on what you wrote in your initial post you do not?

I agree with you. During our last breakup, I gave up all of my boundaries just so that I could be with him and he lost all respect for me. Last night I reestablished the boundaries and refused to let him get his way. (Keeping me as a friend) I also didn't try to convince him to continue the relationship, something I have always done in the past. Instead I accepted that it was over. Today I canceled the reservation and then told him I wanted to give him his things back. Two other things I have never done in the past. If this really is the end, I have walked away with his respect. Based on his actions last night though, I don't think it is. He kept giving me things as we sat and talked, and the no response to me giving him his things back.

[patientandclear]

I thought you told him it was the end. That you would not be back this time. Why are you waiting to find out from his words or actions whether it is over? What about what you decided? Not saying you have to or should end it--I'm saying you told him you HAD decided. So what's going on here? Are you not going to follow through with the limits and boundaries you conveyed? That has big consequences, as you noted above when you said he lost all respect for you when you made all kinds of concessions you regretted to get back together with him the first time.

The other dynamic I noted reading this thread is that he told you he is not seeing others but because you are not together, he can. You considered that you WERE together, correct?   Seems like his unilateral definition of the status of the r/ship is introducing a lot of anxiety for you into the dynamic.

[MaybeSo]

He couldn't see them and the more I talked the more his wall came up. At one point I told him to look me in the eyes. He did but his eyes were just cold. I hugged him, gave him a kiss and left. He held and kissed me back.

I am trying to understand why he pulled me back in this past time. It was our longest breakup, and when we got back together, it was explosive. Intentionally not being careful EVERY TIME we together physically, when his biggest fear is having a child. He said last night that he was comfortable with me. That's why he keeps coming back, but he wants to keep me as a friend. I told him that wasn't happening. I told him that if he wanted to see other people to just tell me, and I would do the same. Now valentines day is up in the air and I feel like I should cancel it. He wanted me to cancel it last night and I talked him out of it. After getting home I started thinking differently. He wants to meet for a quick dinner at 6 and then be back at his house by 7:30. I just don't understand how he can treat the person that is closest too him so badly. Everything was going so well up until last Sunday. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

You are not together.  Spending some time together, planning a trip etc. is not the same thing as being together in a committed relationship.  

I am trying to understand why he pulled me back in this past time.

Because. This is what he does.  He has shown you who he is and the intimacy level he is capable of for over two years now according to your post. This is what he does with women who are willing to participate at that level with him,  too.  Over and over again. For years.  It's his way of having sort-of-kind-of relationships, not having to be alone and to stave off lonliness/depression/anxiety, while having some of the understandable perks and benefits of a relationship without the actual full on commitment or responsibility that would trigger more and more intimacy panic, etc. etc., etc.   This is the level he is capable of being at in relating/relationship and not more. It is a mistake, and not wise (although it can offer a painful learning experience that can lead to wisdom!)... .to continue to have him in your life with an expectation that this will substantially change.  That is not fair to you or him. He is who he is.  Accept him as he is and then take care of yourself based on the reality of who he is.  As this goes on longer, it tells you this may be the level you are only comfortable to be at, too.  If you want him in your life, accept all of him, including his obvious pattern of push-pull, and take ownership of your choices.

He then proceeded to break up with me saying that his feelings have been removed from our relationship for a long time. I told him I was done and would not be going through this again. We have been through 2 years of countless breakups and recycles that happen over and over again. I remained calm and tried to get him to see his patterns. Not just with me but past girlfriends as well. He couldn't see them and the more I talked the more his wall came up. At one point I told him to look me in the eyes. He did but his eyes were just cold. I hugged him, gave him a kiss and left. He held and kissed me back.

Of course he didn't like the focus being on him and his patterns.   You are not his therapist.  He's not paying for analysis.  He is not wanting to be the 'fix it project' person in your life. At the same time,  if you want to invest your time and attention toward him in this way and keep hanging on, he will more than likely continue to enjoy your company and your attention and focus on him,  while not substantially changing his patterns.  There is no need.  He is getting plenty of female attention without risking any significant change. This is working beautifully for him in many regards, and not so beautifully for you.  

My suggestion after investing 10 years in this kind of exact pattern: Regardless of your contact with him or not,  You would be MUCH MUCH better served going back to your place and write out on a journal your observations about your own patterns and your own intimacy issues, kindly and with compassion toward yourself... .and stop focusing on his intimacy issues.  P&C mentioned an important pattern already:  Why are you telling him it's the end and then breaking your own boundary and deferring to him?  You cannot have a healthy relationship with him or anyone unless you can have a healthy relationship with yourself.  That means you take care of yourself and your boundaries wisely.  YOu take full ownership, you do not defer ownership elsewhere.  This is not really about him.  A person like him in your life is only shining a light on some areas of growth that are about you, that are normal,  and that are fully within your scope of control to change b/c it's about you, not him.

You can do this.  

 

[Lovingme35]

Although these posts were very hard to read without getting tearful, they are very true. I never considered that he is not capable of changing. I thought that if I changed for the better, that things would be better between us. We did have a 6 month period in the beginning of our relationship that we were both actually in a committed relationship. After that we would start as friends with benefits for the first month, and that would quickly change into a relationship when he realized I was still talking to other people. Over the past weekend, he asked me to stop talking to other people. That's where the confusion came in.

As for now, we are still not talking. I need to sit with myself and decide if I can handle being in a relationship like this anymore. It won't be an easy decision. At this point, I feel like I am strong and could handle walking away, but I know that over the next few weeks my feelings will change. You are right that I cannot continue to try and fix something that he clearly sees is not broken. I want more, but I am never going to get it. It's a tough pill to swallow.


BTW I keep reading your posts over and over again. They have been very helpful.

[Euler2718]

Don't spend the next 10 years chasing a unicorn. It's not real.

[MaybeSo]

I never considered that he is not capable of changing.

I wouldn't say he isn't capable of ever changing, it's just not wise to wait around for a person to change.  It's just not a sound dynamic to be invested in for either person. And when people do change, it's often not the way we wanted... .it's not usually matching to movie we have in our head, anyway.

The key is always to look at what you are doing and how you are changing on your own or how you might benefit from change or growth, rather than focusing on how someone else needs to change. Why?  There's a magic to it and it seems to be the natural and normal ecology of life and growth.  

It is appropriate and beneficial to focus on your own self and your own growth.  

A focus on another adult and how they need to change so we can then ... .be happy... .find love... .or get "something"... .that dynamic is almost always ecologically unsound.  

If you are changing and it is all about changing to influence another person so they change (love you again, finally make a commitment, stop doing xzy, start doing xxz)... .you are still other-focused.  

We have to stop abandoning ourselves with so much 'other' focus.

I wish you all the best on your journey whatever path you take!  No matter what, we learn!