Co-dependency?

[waitingwife]

So I was able to meet my wonderful T and for a change we talked about me... .Whether I am co-dependent and the answer was YES. I found that answer within myself from all the lessons and therapy. My T was nice and patient enough to guide me into this insightful self-discovery which took me 2.5 yeRs. It is very painful for me to let go off that control of not being able to change BPDH or get him into Therapy when I know exactly what is wrong... .I have always been the fixer and non-conflicting personality. And for my entire life,I thought that it was great to be like this and that I am balanced. But today I realized that due to my co-dependcy, I just bottle my feelings and emotions and soak up pain from others like a sponge.

Trust me, it was a very hard fact to face ... .I could look into the mirror of my soul.

So after therapy, my BPDH who is traveling due to work wanted to know over the phone what was Therapy like, etc. I told him that it was good and I really got to sort through some of my very difficult feelings. He said that's great and I am so happy for you. I was not ready to talk about my discovery of co-dependency over the phone with him. But in someways I felt unfair because as I start working through my co-dependcy, I need to not worry about my vulnerability especially when I talk about myself. So I wrote an email to him and said I really missed you and therapy was really good for me... .I think I found some answers to the questions I have been looking for a really long time... .still did not talk about my co-dependency issues coz if I decide to share it with him, I'd rather do it face to face. I really did miss him today and I feel that the enmeshing for so many years made my love and capability or epress myself numb. Maybe because I am slowly un-enmeshing with baby steps, I feel that love or the power to express myself come back.

In therapy, we talked about my co-dependcy coming from cultural & religious & moral beliefs coz that is what shapes us after all. I kept asking the T, why am I co-defendant? When did I become co-depending?

So I have a question for all you nons who think orate do-dependent, how did you share it with you pwBPD? What was the reaction? Again I know I am trying to be calculative now when I am finding out so that I can best deal with what is to come. But I am taking baby steps, still reading a lot of the lessons to decode life.

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Why do you feel the need to share it with your H? Is that not in itself co dependent? This is your trait to modify.

If you start to unmesh yourself and become more self dependent in an evolving way it wont potentially as big a trigger for any abandonment issues your husband may get if they hear it as "hey i dont need you anymore"

[waitingwife]

I didn't quite understand the part about trigger, can you please explain more.

You are right about me sharing this discovery with H is a form of co-dependancy! I was feeling like this need to share doesn't feel entirely right knowing all that I do now!

[waverider]

I didn't quite understand the part about trigger, can you please explain more.

You are right about me sharing this discovery with H is a form of co-dependancy! I was feeling like this need to share doesn't feel entirely right knowing all that I do now!

To tell your husband that you want to be less dependent, may make him feel less needed, less important, not the center of your universe. This can "trigger" a feeling/fear of you pulling away and abandoning him. This is a common BPD trait.

pwBPD dont like change on the whole so it is often better to subtly do, rather than announce changes.

[waitingwife]

Thanks Waverider, it does make sense about triggering him. But I truly feel like I found an answer to the puzzle within me after so many years. I never formd that healthy boundary for me with so many relationships and never once thought that I might have issues within. So I am thankful that my H's BPD even though undiagnosed has led me to introspect within myself to make me a better person by stepping out of my comfort zone to find my true inner strength. The lessons here have really opened up the floodgates to my own mind and soul.

My T yesterday thought I am now pretty equipped with everything that I meed and now is my time to do the hard work. During the most recent dysregulation on my H's part, I handled it quite differently... .I'd like to handle it better but I am taking baby steps, dealing with my fears of abandonment slowly, one step at a time.

Any more resources on overcoming co-dependancy - please share it!

[Notwendy]

waiting wife- the answer for me about sharing co-dependency is yes, and then no.

Co-dependency was a new concept for me. I had heard of it, and knew I had these tendencies, but it took me a lot longer to fully understand it, and the work on it has been incremental progress over a long period of time.

This came up, when, our relationship was deteriorating, and he finally- after years of refusing, agreed to MC. Then, the fact that I was co-dependent came up and his issues did not. I was mad! Why me and not him? He was the one raging and making things hard too? But I soon came to realize that had the T pointed a finger at him about anything, he would have likely walked out and not returned.

Her suggestion to me was to attend some local 12 step groups. I did and got a sponsor. Now, I was reluctant about the idea, very puzzled that I was in the company of some addicts- and I am not addicted to any substances, but I came to understand that the model of addiction- using something, or focusing on something to take one's attention away from themselves is relevant to co-dependency. I also attended ACOA groups to explore the influence of being raised by BPD mom.

IMHO, the groups in conjunction with a sponsor were the best personal work I have done. I know of people who just attend the groups, but I think the sponsor is the key. This is where we really did the work of looking at myself, and having someone who was able to do this- turn the mirror on me- wasn't easy to see, but the key to making changes. In addition, she supported me emotionally though these changes.

I don't share the personal work, but my H know I go to groups and the work with the sponsor. He has had mixed reactions to that. However, what goes on in groups and between me and my sponsor is personal. Overcoming co-dependency also means having boundaries, and while I think we should let our spouses know what we are doing. I think the issues we work on can be just for us. To make this easier on both of us, I chose a female sponsor. One is that it is easier for me to share personal information with another woman. The other- is that if it were a male, and I was calling him or meeting him, my H would react to that- even if nothing was going on. This would not have helped me at the time to deal with that, so while on one hand it was co-dependent of me to do this, on the other, with a marriage in trouble, adding another issue of conflict wasn't my interest.

However, if your sharing with your H gives you hope he will also consider getting help- then let go of that now. For me, I felt resentful that I was given work to do while he was not. But I see where I showed the T more motivation. It has felt like the little red hen here, but I feel it has benefited me. I have benefited from my efforts. The relationship has too. But I still think he/she who does this work, gets the "bread" or cake, or whatever is the reward- because that is personal to the person doing it. Of course I wish for my H to get the benefit as well,  but he has to make that choice if he wants to. While the goal is to recover from co-dependency, it really is a process, and the work/gain is in the process. Yes, there is a destination, but I think something we work on over a long period of time, as personal change takes time.

[waitingwife]

Thats a lot of information to process but I am going to do some reading and try to figure things out... One step at a time.

I am not entirely sure if I am fully co-dependant or have become co-dependant due to the BPD relatiinship I am in. It is important for me to find that out coz I am feeling a kind of identity ceisis at this point. pwBPD have such strong capabilities of inducing FOG so I am kinda at a loss of where to start looking for those answers. If I truly have been a co-dependant all my life then I am willing to go all out and try to change that. But if my r/s with BPD and then being programmed to keep the peace has led me into believing that I have an issue and I am co-dependant then I am scared to put another label on myself.

So basically I want to figure out if I am accepting or finding co-dependency as an answer to why my H dysregulated coz he said I always like to take the lead on decission making and that I am controlling. I have introspected a lot and the answer to whether I am controlling was yes. Also I have caught myself being passive aggressive with my H but for the most part, I think I am assertive with outsiders or atleast was assertive before my r/s with my bodH. We have been married and enmeshed for a long time so all this is so hard to figure out!

[Notwendy]

It is a lot to think about.

I wasn't happy with the "label" either, but I saw it as a way to address behaviors that I wanted to change. I was less concerned about how I got into this enmeshment than I was on addressing the behaviors I can change. Even if I wasn't co-dependent before, I was in my marriage, and since I wanted to stay married, I had to address the behaviors in context of that relationship. How I grew up played a part, but I don't live with my parents, so how I was behaving now was more relevant.

[waitingwife]

That makes a lot of sense... .I guess my trynto avoid the label is another way of escaping the addressing of my co-dependency which is going to be very hard at my mid-life. It is scary sometimes when I think of mympast experiences and how I have crossed the line to please others! I was rasied in a very different culture where co-dependency was the norm and I have fought it from time to time only to be shamed more of being "different". I wouldn't call my childhood abusive yet coz I had parents who loved me... .But I think they didn't love each other because of some dysfunction between them. But our values, culture, faith and religion shape our identity in some way so I feel a sort of identity crisis at this point to look back and say all that I learnt was wrong and where do I even start if I can comprehend what is right? In the co-dependant culture that I was raised, I have seen thousands of marriages last for 40+years and now where I live in a western country, I have seen a much higher rate of seperations/divorce? So am I again crossing my line to want something that I never dresmt or can overcoming the co-dependency yield a happier marriage/relationship? I do feel true to myself whenever I have fought to overcome my co-dependency and that has given me a lot of inner peace and strength for the time being.

So I think I should stop asking myself whether I was always co-dependant or my r/s with BPDH lead me into co-dependency. I think I am not yet ready to join and go to CoDa group but how else can I start? How do I learn to be more assertive? I trust myself enough to be a good learner so I have the will to make a change in my own life.

Thank you all for supporting me through this very difficult emotional introspection which was get so rocky and you all help keep hings in perspective.

[waverider]

Reducing codependency and being more self assertive takes a changing personality brought about firstly with growing self awareness, and the use of boundaries to support your own values and sense of self worth.

This is a slow process, and what you are doing here is just the nucleus of it. Once you start to see the benefits it will pick up pace.

To address the gist of your post it is important to keep in mind balance, it is completely possible to get too carried away and swing the opposite way and become self important and self righteous, this is why it is important to own your own failings. We are not better than others. Ours view are not more important, but can be more aware of why everyone's realities are different, and learn better to accommodate that.

In short we can make more educated choices rather than just default into obligations. It is a personality shift and successfully changing personality is an evolution not a revolution. We are not defined by what our culture is, we are defined by who we are.

[waitingwife]

Thanks for contributing to my insight... .Now I have a starting point after hitting my rock bottom. So I have started with asserting myself and made an ammend today with my SIL. I had said YES out of obligation a few weeks ago. However, I went back to her and said I am really sorry the answer to your question about using something that belonged to me(that I worked very hard for), I cannot share but I can help you find another one. She accepted my honesty and I left it there. The earlier codependent ME would delve into justifying how I hurt her feelings by saying NO and completely loose focus of what I am giving away and even loose sleep about such a easy thing.

So I have also reserved the book my T suggested at local library and my T even suggested the CoDa support group but she think I am not yet there to need it. I told her I am not ready for the CoDA right now and I will decide if that is the right way to go for me.

My goal for myself is - pick atleast one if not more areas(conversation,action, behaviour) that I have been defaulting in and correct it along with reading the book. I'll see where that leads me.

2.5 years ago I started seeing my T(who I love btw) in the hope of gaining more insight into my H's BPD and little did I know that it'll lead me to this discovery about myself. I guess the silver lining in my life right now is that the dysfunctional r/s has given me an oppurtunity to make myself a better person and authenticate my soul and being!

[waverider]

 

[waitingwife]

Thanks a ton Waverider, I really need to ehugs in my new journey!