its over...again

[luckyescape]

Hi all

Been watching here for many months trying to decide should stay or go.

So now he has gone I need to tell my story to see if i anyone here feels like this.

I met my husband wBPD (although i didnt know at the time) 6 years ago. Thr first date was amazing and to cut a long story short we were married within 15 months. Then BAM... .The day after the wedding where we were suppoded to be happy, and for some minute reason he kicked off showing such anger it scared me.  2 weeks later on our honeymoon he got burned in the sun and spent the entire WEEKcovered in wet towels laying on the cold floor. I was alone all week on our honeymoon. This was the beginning of 6 years from hell. Now sadly on Tuesday i asked him to leave forever. Now i feel like ive been in a war. Its like i let my 3 year old child walk into a lions den. Just trying to make sense of A. My feelings and B. His feelings towards me... .so confused although i know its forever now to allow myself a life

[Grey Kitty]

Hi luckyescape, and welcome!

Yes, many here have gone through something very similar. Eerily similar.

When you asked him to leave Tuesday, did he go?

Are the two of you living together, or did you have separate houses/apartments before?

 Hang in there, and do stick around here and keep sharing your story. It really does help.

[vortex of confusion]

I like to joke that as soon as I said "I do", my stbx said "I don't".

We didn't really have a honey moon. On our wedding night, he was too tired to mess around and wanted to watch PPV porn instead. The first morning in our apartment together, I woke up to him looking at porn and taking care of business. Before we got married, I didn't see signs of anything that seemed as weird as that. I mistakenly attributed it to me not understanding men or wanting too much. That was 17 years ago.

I have found it very difficult to make sense out of my feelings about all of this. I have suppressed and ignored a lot of my feelings and gut instincts over the years.

I have also found that there is no sense in trying to understand my stbx's feelings towards me. They seem to change frequently and do not seem to be based in reality. For the longest time, I was made to feel like I was too demanding and that I wanted too much. So, I kept lowering my standards and stopped asking for much of anything. Even now, he tells me that I wanted to much yet outside observers comment that he is lazy and that my standards are too low. I have been told that I need to push for more. It is very confusing.

[thisworld]

Luckyescape hi,

How are you doing today?

I feel for you. In my relationship, my ex changed very quickly and I experienced what I perceived as subtle rejection (in terms of intimacy) in very hurtful ways. That was heartbreaking for me. With the help of friends here, things got much better. Once you are at a safer place in your emotional detachment, you will have a lot of opportunities to go through all these experiences and look at them with a new perspective. Everything will get better. Much better. In the meantime, please treat yourself with care and compassion.

As for the little one, children are resilient and good things you do to reclaim your life will help your child thrive, too. Now is not the time to blame yourself for anything but to look forward.

Just wanted to say that our thoughts are with you

[luckyescape]

Thankyou everyone x

Sorry not replied sooner - its been a hard week and this morning my daughter had a meltdown before school because she is stressed. Thank goodness we are OUT of that situation.

Im currently getting loads of 'missing you' text messages along with details of how hes not gonna bother to go get help cos theres 'no point'.  The amount of years ive tried, coaxed,nurtured and loved that man is acfually crazy when i think about it.

He told me once he was a bit of a rogue. Little did i understand what that meant!

I absolutely identify with you all with the trying to make sense of what you are feeling. I just never felt like i could ever trust him - like there was an undercurrent to what was real.

Feeling positive and i really dont miss all the drama he brought to my life.

[luckyescape]

He lived in my house so never had any claim on it. He came to me wigh no job no car and a 5 year old - i thought it was sweet how he looked after his daughter but now i wonder if it was a ploy to catch me.

I had a good job, my own house and car and 2 kids. Now i work at home as he has made me ill, have very little money, no car and a really hard life. Wish id made better choices but at least i know what i dont need!

[thisworld]

Luckyescape hi,

How are you today? The separation seems to have triggered his fear of abandonment, which escalates texting this way. How is it affecting you?

You say you have spent a lot of time here while you were making up your mind. Still, if you need any kind of information on BPD and our own healing and detachment process in general, please tell us so that we can support you with materials.

Again, many parts of your story resonate with me personally.

He told me once he was a bit of a rogue. Little did i understand what that meant!

My ex used to say he was "uncontrollable." Oh, yes! Looking back, I realize I took things (probable red flags) as I wanted to hear them, rationalized a lot and didn't ask enough questions. So, I learnt the hard way what that "uncontrollable" means. At that time, I felt like, well, I'm not into controlling anyone anyway

I had a good job, my own house and car and 2 kids. Now i work at home as he has made me ill, have very little money, no car and a really hard life. Wish id made better choices but at least i know what i dont need!

I had a brief relationship with my ex but the financial effects and effects on my career are pretty taxing. My health started getting affected, too. How is your health now?

I'm very happy to hear that you are approaching all this strongly, treating it as a learning experience. Hopefully, in the future, we will all protect our boundaries better.

As for feeling that there was something off, I too felt very strongly that it was difficult to trust him. I guess our gut was warning us.

Stay strong!

[Feelinstronger]

Hello Lucky.  I am in the middle of trying to emotionally detach from a 5 year relationship, so I could feel your pain and confusion.  It has been just over two months since my BPDex ended things for the 8th and final time.  I think WE are hardest on ourselves, expecting to be able to pick ourselves up and move forward far more quickly than is reasonable.  I want you to know you are not alone - many many of us have experience similar circumstances. You will eventually get through this.   YOu sound like a responsible and hard working parent, and willing to share your love and resources with another.  A good and kind heart.  Do NOT beat yourself up over sharing and being kind.  I did the same thing. I recently cosigned an auto loan for him, and now I have concern about possible damage to my credit.  But although I know I need to be SMART, I have no desire to change the essence of who I am-I still want to remain a kind sharing generous person.  YOu should too. Just be smart about it.

Sending support and prayers your way.

[C.Stein]

Im currently getting loads of 'missing you' text messages along with details of how hes not gonna bother to go get help cos theres 'no point'. 

This is good because it would be a utter waste of time if he is not going to get help for himself and not for you.  :)on't let him make you feel responsible for his flying monkeys.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm relieved to hear that he is out, and you are in a safe place, out of the constant conflict for now. That has to be helping, even if you are still getting tons of texts, etc.

[luckyescape]

Thanks guys xx really appreciate all your messages. He is currently living back with his ex = hope he stays there! He sent me a message the other day saying hope youre happy with your decision etc etc - i just replied very curtly good thanks!

Its amazing how much support there is around you and although the decision was really hard i know its for good. I actually started to detatch several months ago but that final day was just hideous.

Ive now got myself a new car ( part of my detachment was to save a little each week as i knew from our conversations where he would threaten to take my car if i didnt do x y z ) i suffer from POTS as well as EDS which affects my ability to keep upright without dreadful symptoms and fainting so my car is a lifeline as im walking up an enormous hill for school twice a day which im not supposed to do. He KNEW how much taking the car would hurt me - hes a taxi driver so he already has his own so wasnt even for him.

I wrote a journal the last time we split and upon reading it again it shows the same old sorry story. The last straw last time was when we went to blackpool uk for the weekend. He got horribly drunk had a fight so i walked back to the hotel only to be attacked on the way.

He then wet the bed becsuse he was so drunk he couldnt be bothered to get up for the toilet. Terribly embarassing all round. I am not used to dealing with such crazy and destructive behaviour. I was married to my childrens dad for 20 years, but he had an affair when i was pregnant in hodpital and so i spent 6 years getting life back on track on my own then fell for this mad man. I feel soo stupid - now ive been married twice. I almost feel like im a disaster in other peoples eyes. I mean how bad does it look to be married twice? Neither due to my fault and that fact accepted by both men!

Im literally scared to move on. Almost like i dont deserve to be happy but know i really do deserve good things. Thats what the control freak hss left. A scared and down shell of a survivor but im STILL ME. I wont let the pig get to me.