Some tips for remaining positive, even during all the fear?

[Ikiris]

Hi,

So I am in a 6 year relationship with a highly intelligent female BPD sufferer.

(diagnosed about 3 years ago, by Psychologist. Psychiatrist only since 4 months ago, same diagnosis)

We wont end in this conversation if we dont want to and mean to stay and love them dearly.

But does anyone have some extra tips who has spent a lot of time with BPD partner?

Its hard to know whats going on when they switch, when you are loved, getting paranoid about their actions, can they be trusted?

Trusted with her own life, or trusted with 'chatting' to certain other old friends, sometimes i get so damn worried that the addition of the dark places they share has a negative influence.

I am also concerned because she is going through one of the 'I need to feel independent' streaks.

And 'I love you and you did and are doing nothing wrong, but I feel like I dont want to be in a relationship.' phases.

These come and go, and we all hold on for the best moments, but damn I'm in a dark place this round.

3 years ago I discovered she had 'cheated' on me, on a deep emotional level. (lots of therapy later... .)

Now she goes through these phases, and I see patterns and alarms.

Beautiful provocative photo change on chat app, a new 'old friend' (been contact on & off on facebook apparently.)

Running away to her 'quiet' place in middle of a visit with her father, to listen to music. Then he is online and catting... .(No one is allowed to bug her in her music world.)

Damn, how do we remain sane?

I am working on my fears and seeing our shrink together tomorrow, and me alone next week.

Its my old wounds, but geez can they not be moreconsiderate? and how to keep it up and alive and make sense of it all?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ikiris]

Oh fun and this she morning went to the the Psychiatrist, and it seems diagnosis now has Bi-Polar thrown into the mix... .

Woohoo, the mix of manic & the BPD overload of emotions... .

Well hopefully the change of meds routine will help.

However she was booked into psych hospital for 2 weeks in december, the specialist wanted to book her in again today... .

She doesnt want to know a god damn thing on it so soon after the first, which she whole heartedly agrees was helpful... .for 2 months.

[livednlearned]

Hi Ikiris,

Welcome to the site  

Bipolar and BPD together, that's rough. I hope they get her meds worked out -- it can take time and a bunch of experimentation to figure out the right mix and dosage.

It takes a lot of strength to be in a BPD relationship and not by injured by it. Part of that means understanding what drives the behavior so you can depersonalize her actions to some extent. Another part is getting clear on your values and boundaries (to protect yourself) so that you don't become a shell of a person. This becomes more about trusting yourself and less about trusting them (we can't control them, or cure them).

It sounds like things are intense right now for her -- being diagnosed is not easy. It can feel shaming. Even people who are diagnosed depressed can feel that there is something wrong with them when they accept the diagnosis. For BPD sufferers, even more so.

It also sounds like things are intense in the relationship right now. Understandably, you want to pursue her as she begins to show signs of pulling away. It might be better to go light, be the guy she fell in love with. Does that make sense?

[Ikiris]

Thanks, its does make a bit of sense. Some times easier said than done hey?

We grow and we grow to love each other and the care deepens, you see things before they happen, but its like they are blind to them.

I am never wrong  , except on the odd occasion that I'm not right hehe... .

A few years back I snapped and truly did attempt suicide, I committed to the fact of trying to protect my inner core, because sometimes what they say truly does still cut deeper than any knife we as humans have invented.

At these times, if things go south the thoughts want to jump back in and furiously so.

I have been able to use a few of my coping skills, to try and stay sane and positive.

But is it really fair, that 80-90% of the time we are there for them, even if it means depersonalizing a bit, being the hero for years.

The strength and lots of training is there. (grew up with a rapid cycle bi-polar crazy mother.)

In the end, we are all human, even if they truly are ill. This is still a relationship.

Are we not allowed that other 10-20% of the time that its just too much to also ask for support & understand when we crack?

For a while only we feel a lot of the pain they do on a daily basis... .

The person who invented the concept of fairness should be resurrected and provided a slow, painful gruesome death.

It gets ingrained into us from childhood, this concept of fairness, but it does not exist in this world

Thanks for the encouragement, even though we in south africa, I pay a small fortune for one of the best medical aids, and she is currently seeing THE best Psychiatrist in the province, arguably top 5 in country.

Our Psychologist is also in the most respected categories in our province. (province = state)

I love the idea of this site/community though, truly makes me feel less alone.  :'(

Maybe I can just find the extra strength I need to succeed. I cant and wont stop her if she declares its truly over though.

The if/when that happens petrifies me.

[Ikiris]

Ah, another piece, short this time.

I have made it clear, in no uncertain terms. What happens will happen

However, once a choice is made its made. (stay together, or breakup. We both have said and felt so often we are soul mates. I have never met someone like her.)

If we reach the point of breakup, I can never go back and I wouldn't be able to remain friends.

I would do all I can to make sure she would be okay etc. but then no contact and no returning.

I know I have scars, some from her, most from my life and I'm working on that, however is that a truly unreasonable standpoint / ultimatum for a BPD + bipolar?

I need to protect myself as well, I wouldnt be able to survive that pain of on and off repeatedly, I see a lot of people are wanting and willing to do so in the posts.

(PS: If I dont trust her, our professionals have assured me, we can easily have her committed involuntarily. If it reaches that point I don't think I would be accepted again, but at least know all I did was to keep her safe and sane-ish. And when she left on her own, I have done all I could to make sure she was stable at that point and wont go something stupid.)

[livednlearned]

Hey Ikiris,

Just wanted to say I'm glad you're here.   You must have been through something very painful to want to end your life and I'm glad you are committed to protecting your inner core. Sometimes we have to go to the very bottom so we know where it is, and learn that we can indeed survive ourselves. You know you have limits, and that is part of what it means to have boundaries. Ultimately, you have to take care of yourself, to know what that means for you so you can be safe.

The concept of fairness. I see it more as do we want to be right, or do we want to get along. You're right, it's in no way easy. Me, I don't judge people for staying or going, as I have done both in my life. Different circumstances call for different choices. The goal is more like a process than anything. Along the way, we pick up skills, like the ones we share on this board.

I do think, no matter what happens, that the skills learned here on the Saving board are good ones to have. That, and understanding abandonment anxiety. We can often feel activated, then protest behaviors occur, and we push people away while trying to bring them closer. Some of what you learn here is how that works so you can check your own dynamic. Is it guaranteed to work? No. Does it increase chances you can make things better for yourself? Yes.

[Ikiris]

Yea,  lots to think about hey.

Had a shrink session together yesterday,  she also thinks my Fiancé ''s decision to not act rashly and break up,  was a good decision.  Over the 2/3 years of sessions,  and current heavy circumstances,  this seems highly related to meds and trauma and working through stuff.

... .But it's still there.

Frequent sessions for the next while and another one tomorrow.

It seems that since she was in hospital (december),  I assumed parent role,  but due to the BPD she really does not need it now, however with the bipolar and anxiety kicking her into manic state and she has many raw nerves open from big serious personal things that came out in hospital and her dad here last week.

How can you love someone but need to withdraw and not protect them or be concerned and hyper vigilant on their current state when it's a dangerous one?

So for now I will listen... .I will be the adult and not the parent.

So instead I'm spending that time on me,  and I fear very much the repetitive cycles will destroy this me.

What if I am not strong enough to go through the rejection phases that hurt me so?

Then in order to protect myself I would have to do the breaking up, but I love her so damn much I don't know if I could... .

Catch 22 hey.

I do look forward to exploring more of the site and discussions soon,  but I think for a while I will play with feet in the water.

Some triggers for me and I'm exhausted so so so exhausted emotionally and quite raw.

[Ikiris]

Sometimes it feels like there is not a f... .  To give.

Sometimes there truly isn't and sometimes u just need sleep.

Try and give all u can, those that survive and are strong enough,  enjoy amazing people when not in the darkness.

... .But never compromise yourself, please.