Heard from her ... and she's a disaster

[Anez]

So on Sunday night I had a big personal accomplishment and friends were there to document it and they posted on their respective Instagram accounts.

My friends and I were out celebrating after with some drinks and I look at my phone and who texted to congratulate me? My BPD ex who hadn't initiated texts since october. I work with her so i have to see her, but until sunday i had gone three weeks without saying anything to her. Before that it was just cordial hellos.

So i was drinking with friends and texted back thanks. She then says wish i could have seen what you did. I said you could have. She said she didn't think I wanted her there. I told her I wanted the girl i fell for there.

She went on to say the current her is "broken." she said her life is a "disaster" right now. We went back and forth a bit and I kind of lay into her for throwing me away. I was feeling some boozy muscles and I didn't care. She said I couldn't fix her or be her savior.

And since sunday we haven't had contact, which is good.

I started this thread for a few reasons. Because I have to see her at work I always think she's doing ok because she puts on her happy act at work. People with BPD use this mask so people won't know how badly they're really doing. If you see your ex or see something on social media just know that they really are wearing a mask. don't think they've been cured or are doing a lot better without you. they are not. Their lives are ugly and sad and complicated and, to be honest, not worth our time or energy. It won't end well with these people. And while that's too bad, it's the truth.

Another reason why i started this thread is because i wanted to help show people suffering that it's not worth your time trying to get these people back in your life. They are mentally ill. And while it's ok to feel bad for them - part of me feels bad for my ex - it's better for us to feel good for us and to advance and to recover.

these aren't the only people that can bring happiness to our lives. Sometimes it feels like they are the only ones. I know that feeling. But you put them in your rearview mirror, you work on yourself, and you move forward.

The past is the past.

Keep. Pushing. Forward.

[Bigjay73]

Nice post. Realizing that my ex will always be a mess got me through it as much as anything. I'll always feel bad for her for having to live with BPD, but not as bad as I feel for her ex and future partners.

[MapleBob]

Congratulations, Anez! It's good to see you holding the line with her. I've known/intuited for quite a while that if our exes are great at one thing it's "keeping up appearances". (You know, with everyone else!) I'm not at all surprised to hear that she's "broken" or that her life is a "disaster"; I heard similar things from mine when we were trying to "be friends", and it gave me false hope. You seem to be taking it as "great, go work on that for yourself then and leave me out of it," which I think is super healthy.  

[Anez]

Thanks guys.

Yup I'm seeing things differently now and getting better. I'm not 100 percent but I like the path that I am on. My T keeps telling me to connect all the dots with her, see all sides of her. And while there there is some good in there, her bigger picture is one full of stuff that I don't need in my life.

also, this helps: the odds of ever having a sustainable relationship with someone with BPD are pretty much slim to none. Sure, some people can maintain a relationship but the odds really aren't in your favor. At 38 i see my future and it's with someone who can give me what I need in a relationship and in a partner. And it's not what my ex has. I don't want to get back together with her and then have it all blow up again somewhere down the line. life is too short. there are too many other women in the world.

[JQ]

hello Anez,

I've been following your story for awhile ... .we've interacted from time to time ... .and I would like to say that you're ARE on a good path!      As I put out from time to time, we, "the group" isn't here to tell you what to do or what to say ... .we're here to give you guidance & support by letting you know what did or didn't NOT work in our BPD relationship.  "The Group" is here with a hand to help you up when you stumble ... .and we all have including yours truly.      You almost made it to your 30 day NC pin      Start the clock again ... .and keep coming here for your support!

From your story you told us ... .I see that you stumbled ... .you said ... ." So i was drinking with friends and texted back thanks. She then says wish i could have seen what you did. I said you could have. She said she didn't think I wanted her there. I told her I wanted the girl i fell for there."   And as promised ... .like others who are "holding out a hand to help you up" ... .let me hold out my hand as well.

In order for you to completely move on and as you said ... ."these aren't the only people that can bring happiness to our lives. Sometimes it feels like they are the only ones. I know that feeling. But you put them in your rearview mirror, you work on yourself, and you move forward."       I would again suggest to you to go NC again ... .and this time ... .block her number from further text & calls then delete her number when you have a moment that is unguarded by alcohol you won't reach out.       You can certainly do that via your phone ... .but they have more then enough apps for that as well.  

From reading your post ... .especially your last post ... .I don't think ... .I know YOUR ready to finally go full NC with no texting or calls.       

How do I know this ... .because you said ... ."I need in a relationship and in a partner. And it's not what my ex has. I don't want to get back together with her and then have it all blow up again somewhere down the line. life is too short. there are too many other women in the world."  If I said this to you ... .what would be your thoughts? That I'm ready? Exactly and so are you!  Go full NC!   Move forward and enjoy & explore life!  

YOU have learned well grasshopper ... ."reference to 70's Kung Foo tv show for those to young to even know" ... . ... .     Or if you would prefer ... ."mmmm ... .The Force is strong within you ... .mmm ... .much you have learned ... .mmm ... .yes ... .mentally ill you know BPD is ... .mmm ... ."       Ok ... .you have to imagine Yoda voice when doing that.     You've kept your humor ... .and this is always a good thing ... .

Well Anez ... .you have come far ... .you have stumbled on your journey as all explorers do ... .and as promised ... .someone from the group has picked you up ... .they've dusted you off ... .and they have straighten you up ... .the choice of what path to continue your journey was completely yours ... .you have chosen the path to the right to see where that journey would lead you ... .

You should be proud of yourself ... .I don't want to speak for the group ... .but I know I'm proud of you for the strength ... .the courage it took to get here.  As you said ... .you're not a 100% ... .but you're well on your way ... .you are certainly past the 51% point     You have and continue to learn valuable learning lessons ... .and now you're starting to pay it forward by sharing with the group ... .your experiences ... .you're a good person Anez ... .well done ... .well done  

J

[Anez]

Thank you, JQ. I appreciate all that you said. You've been very helpful to me and many others on this board as we all take steps to getting over this tornado called people with BPD.

That tornado ripped my house apart but now the skies have cleared and i'm rebuilding my house but the new house will be much different. Much stronger. My dream house, really. So that's the good that is coming out of this mess.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thank you, JQ. I appreciate all that you said. You've been very helpful to me and many others on this board as we all take steps to getting over this tornado called people with BPD.

That tornado ripped my house apart but now the skies have cleared and i'm rebuilding my house but the new house will be much different. Much stronger. My dream house, really. So that's the good that is coming out of this mess.

Amen!