Co-morbid with Narcissism, maybe easier to focus on that...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I also see many narcissistic traits in my ex, to the point that I wonder if that is the dominant issue.  I have also found it easier to detach from him since more of these traits have been revealed, mostly post breakup. 

I think what a lot of the posters here seem to be feeling is that pwBPD experience their disorder as sadness, loneliness, and rejection.  In contrast, those with NPD seem to experience their disorder as rage directed toward others, entitlement, and a desire for control.  It is easier to pity someone who feels primarily sadness, and we want to comfort them.  When someone is mostly just enraged at us and blaming us for the problem, we feel less inclined to comfort them.  There was a time that I felt that my ex mostly felt sad and lonely, but as his rage became more apparent, and his desire to control others (especially women), I started to feel less and less bad for him.  It is like the difference between a crying child and a child pitching a tantrum and throwing things at your head.

My ex's obsession with vengeance is really what changed my view of him.  It might be easier to pity him, for example, if he hadn't sent me deranged letters expressing a desire for me to go to prison.  He told me that he was a very forgiving and patient person, but that was really the mask.  In truth, anyone who makes him feel even remotely bad deserves to fry, as far as he's concerned.  He is almost entirely unable to put himself in someone else's shoes and imagine what made them act the way they did. 

One of the things I've seen on the boards here is that people often talk about "all" pwBPD, as if they are all the same, and many of the significant others being discussed here are undiagnosed.  Some of the worse cases here might be AsPD or malignant NPD, but as non-professionals, we don't know for sure.  So to describe "them" when you don't even know for sure what your ex has going on isn't really fair.  I suspect my ex has many comorbid issues going on, because teasing out just one disorder from his behavior is problematic.  That's not my concern, however, since I no longer see or speak to him. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

I also see many narcissistic traits in my ex, to the point that I wonder if that is the dominant issue.  I have also found it easier to detach from him since more of these traits have been revealed, mostly post breakup. 

I think what a lot of the posters here seem to be feeling is that pwBPD experience their disorder as sadness, loneliness, and rejection.  In contrast, those with NPD seem to experience their disorder as rage directed toward others, entitlement, and a desire for control.  It is easier to pity someone who feels primarily sadness, and we want to comfort them.  When someone is mostly just enraged at us and blaming us for the problem, we feel less inclined to comfort them.  There was a time that I felt that my ex mostly felt sad and lonely, but as his rage became more apparent, and his desire to control others (especially women), I started to feel less and less bad for him.  It is like the difference between a crying child and a child pitching a tantrum and throwing things at your head.

My ex's obsession with vengeance is really what changed my view of him.  It might be easier to pity him, for example, if he hadn't sent me deranged letters expressing a desire for me to go to prison.  He told me that he was a very forgiving and patient person, but that was really the mask.  In truth, anyone who makes him feel even remotely bad deserves to fry, as far as he's concerned.  He is almost entirely unable to put himself in someone else's shoes and imagine what made them act the way they did. 

One of the things I've seen on the boards here is that people often talk about "all" pwBPD, as if they are all the same, and many of the significant others being discussed here are undiagnosed.  Some of the worse cases here might be AsPD or malignant NPD, but as non-professionals, we don't know for sure.  So to describe "them" when you don't even know for sure what your ex has going on isn't really fair.  I suspect my ex has many comorbid issues going on, because teasing out just one disorder from his behavior is problematic.  That's not my concern, however, since I no longer see or speak to him. 

[JerryRG]

This post is becoming too complicated for me, I agree with Frustratedbloke, oh and my sponsors suggestions I keep my eyes on myself. I too sprang forth "grew up in extreme dysfunction" kinda like a rose in a weed patch us unlucky children.

Anyway I focus a lot of attention on understanding pwBPD for these reasons today:

1. To save my own sanity

2. It is facinating, like driving by a serous "wreak" and not being able to look away, hmm good metiphor to describe her,

3. Maybe my experience can help others in similar cercumstanses

4. Avoid future occurrence

5. Somewhat of a defence mechanism to keep me from going back into the lions den.

I'm sure of one thing, if I were healthier I would have never ever even gave my ex the time of day, just a one way ride to the nearest sanitarium.

Great topic people and appriciate all you say and experience

[WoundedBibi]

Oh I know exactly what I did, I recreated my dysfunctional childhood with the hope of getting a better result. I took my dad's place, but the characters involved, the dynamic, was just frighteningly similar.

Do you think it's important to know which person's place you took? Or which parent you we're trying to find in the pwBPD?

Because I can't seem to figure it out. Both my parents were emotionally unavailable in their own way. Neither of them tried to save anyone, like I did. My last ex reminds me of both my parents depending on his mood.

Is it important to find out who's place I took, who I was trying to get a better result from? Or is it enough to know that that is what I was doing?

[Frustratedbloke]

Bibi I think that might be the point it gets too complex for me, too, and that's a question for the therapist.

I think that probably over the course of time we probably date both our parents in some guise or another, we might not even see it. This one was just crystal clear and ripped off a lot of old scabs and opened old wounds, but I stayed, I didn't know why at the time, but I was drawn to the puzzle.

It clicked into place recently that I was replaying childhood trauma, even I didn't see it at the time.

So I don't know is the answer to yours, I'd imagine you're drawn to the most obviously troubled parent simile. But I feel I am way over my head answering your question to be honest.

[WoundedBibi]

No worries    Just wondering. I'll ask my T this week if it makes a difference.

[JohnLove]

There is a theory that boys recreate relationships that mirror their Mother and that girls seek relationships that they had with their Father. Opposite sex. This could be not so bad depending on the "quality" of the parent and that relationship. I believe people seek familiarity. That is what feels like "home".

Something else to consider is that we learn about Love from a very young age from our parents. Typically our Mothers. Take from that what you will.  Just my 2c. 

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks JohnLove! I know the theory. I can clearly see that my ex made me into his mother. That all the people he has close friendships with resemble his mother. I just can't figure out the pattern for myself. Not with him. I feel attracted to guys that have something cold about them, that's my mother. But he went from cold to bouncy happy when he discovered me. I don't recognize the bouncy happy bit that made me so happy in my parents. Maybe it's just the "see! I can do it! I can change cold into bouncy happy!" bit, the "Yes! Created a different outcome!" bit that kept me attached to him.

[troisette]

I think it can be complex.

My father died when I was three, I'm told that I adored him. He was creatively talented and also an intellectual. Guess what? All the men I've been involved with are clever creatives - so there's a link there.

But my mother, who then became my primary parent, was cold and selfish, a withholder, also manipulative. All the men I've been involved with are witholders, cold and selfish - and manipulative.

My brother, ten years older than me, became my model for maleness. He was verbally abusive, cruel and chauvinistic - like the men I became involved with. I broke contact with him when he told me I deserved to be hit when I was divorcing my abusive husband. So another familiarity.

I think we pick up behavioural strands from our childhoods - familiarity becomes our norm and although we don't like it, it's what attracts us and what we gravitate towards.

I became a co-dependent, feeling unloved by my mother I spent my life trying to win her approval. Also trying to get my brother's approval. When I look back I was desperate for love and an easy target for the disordered men I became involved with.

No internet in those days, no awareness of co-dependency or of personality disorders. But it's never too late for understanding and change. 

[WoundedBibi]

Clever men, check. Creative men, check. Withholding mother, check. Withholding men, check. Co-dependency, check. 

So basically the men I am attracted to are a mix of my parents, although I can see my preference has shifted a lot; the last 2 were softer (like my dad) and way more disturbed than any guy in my life before. I think in the past the men in my life were more about my mother and now it has become more about both my parents. Maybe it doesn't matter which part of whom I'm attracted to, maybe I just need to look at the big picture. Although this very abrupt shift in preference to more metro-man like men is interesting.

[Frustratedbloke]

Wow this one got quite meta didn't it? Glad it sparked some thought, though, and it looks like a few of us are trying to fix our dysfunctional parent.

That's the first time I have put it in those terms, so maybe we all learned something here.

Thanks!

[WoundedBibi]

Really valuable thoughts! I've been thinking about that shift from men with issues to seriously disturbed men. I think I'm on to something here...

[JohnLove]

I also feel with pwBPD this theory applies x10. They seek to recreate the relationship with the parent that CAUSED their disorder to manifest. Even if we are not that "type" of person they manipulate us or situations until we become that person for them. The punitive parent. My suspicion is this is way more subconscious for them than it is for us.

[Frustratedbloke]

Yep I know we are in some very twisted form of dance, there's no real relationship there and every time I tried to take it out of the rigid plan she disappeared on me. So yeah it's almost like she's playing out the same terrible movie time and again and we are too, to a lesser extent.