When the divorce is final, what's Next?

[StumpyD]

I've separated from my BPD wife 6 months ago and had no contact. She has violated the restraining order by taking property that is premarital and hidden company property as well as trying to sell marital assets. She's dating a downgrade, drinking heavily, returned to smoking and using illegal drugs.

The first month after I left, she tried every form of manipulation to get me back or at least engage in a conversation. Legal threats, guilt, medical problems, kids, elderly parents... .you name it, she tried it.

What will be in my future dealings with her once the divorce is final? She has no ability to budget money, doesn't want to work, has very volatile history with friends, coworkers, clients when she's put on the spot.

Any advice would be helpful... .

[Turkish]

You mentioned kids. What's going in in that department?

All in all, she sounds very low functioning. What are the biggest risk factors for you right now?

T.

[Mutt]

What will be in my future dealings with her once the divorce is final?

Hi StumpyD,

I'm sorry to hear that. I would like to join Turkish and welcome you. Do you have kids with her or did she say that she was pregnant? I ask because you have an RO on your ex, how does co-parenting work? If you have kids together that would be the only obligation, she's not your responsibility after you're divorced.

[joeramabeme]

What will be in my future dealings with her once the divorce is final? She has no ability to budget money, doesn't want to work, has very volatile history with friends, coworkers, clients when she's put on the spot.

Hi StumpyD, Welcome aboard!

Turkish and Mutt have mentioned the obligation with children, which is definitely a consideration when divorcing.

From this part of your post, I sense you are asking how will SHE be able to take care of herself once the divorce is final?  Is there a level of personal responsibility that you feel for her inability to be fully adult?  I can assure you, that pwBPD are very resourceful, they have had to be to survive and overcome the traits that are part of the disorder. 

Divorcing does not have to mean that you leave her stranded on the side of the road with no way to get help.  However, trying to fix her professional, financial or social life is treating her more like a child and if true, is keeping you in a role in the marriage that sounds like you no longer want to be in. 

In summary, I think you can find a way to move forward toward your decision with a good self-conscience.

JRB

[Teereese]

I've separated from my BPD wife 6 months ago and had no contact. She has violated the restraining order by taking property that is premarital and hidden company property as well as trying to sell marital assets. She's dating a downgrade, drinking heavily, returned to smoking and using illegal drugs.

The first month after I left, she tried every form of manipulation to get me back or at least engage in a conversation. Legal threats, guilt, medical problems, kids, elderly parents... .you name it, she tried it.

What will be in my future dealings with her once the divorce is final? She has no ability to budget money, doesn't want to work, has very volatile history with friends, coworkers, clients when she's put on the spot.

Any advice would be helpful... .

Welcome StumpyD

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Divorce is hard. Divorce from a BPD has additional challenges. The process can be draining. The most important thing is taking care of yourself during the divorce and remember that it will be over soon.

Your situation is similar to mine with my stbxh ... .replacements, drinking, drugs, money pr9blems ... .manipulation, fear and guilt.

I expect very little future dealings post divorce, as our children are just reaching 18, and he has already made it clear they are not part of his future.

Alimony will be the only obligation he'll have to me and that can be dealt with without personal contact.

I will have no obligation to him. I cannot help him or fix him.

I didn't cause it,  I can't control it,  I can't cure it.