Wavering on the fence and I don't know which side to step off...

[rockypath]

I'm a 33/F in a relationship with a 30/F who has an 8 year old child.

We've been together almost two years and it's been a little over a year since my gf was diagnosed with BPD. She's in therapy 1-2x a week and on medication.

It has been a difficult road and I'm tired.

I love her and I seek comfort in her presence. I have so much hope and I wonder if I'm foolish for hoping. We have such good times together and when things are good they're heavenly. Unfortunately when there is the slightest issue, the smallest wrinkle, it triggers blame / venom / and any number of outlandish reactions.

We had a particularly bad patch about six months ago and she spewed the most vile awful things at me that I eventually forgave. She was good about name calling for awhile but over the last month she's fallen back into the pattern of calling me a, "b___," and a "nag" multiple times in between, "___ you's." I told her it was unacceptable and abusive and pulled away and she cried and ended up apologizing and saying that she would try to be more mindful about not lapsing into such a poisonous mindset. This was only a couple days ago.

Today, while she hasn't resorted to name-calling, she's upset with me for an absolutely ridiculous reason. I genuinely don't even understand what she's upset about - it's that small. She's convinced I disagree with her over something when I didn't voice a single word in disagreement. She said should couldn't even handle arguing with me today and told me - 2x - to not contact her. I obliged and then she called and has been sending me messages saying she wished I had said things differently.

I don't know what to do. I'm so tired.

Is there ever an end to this behavior? I read that some people eventually mature out of it or that they find a combination of meds that work or EMDR and DBT help them control their outbursts but I want to know - is it really worth it?

I love this woman. I care deeply for her child. We've built a small life but I'm young enough that I worry about sentencing myself to a life of non-improvement. I'm always willing to try if the other person is and so far she's always seemed willing to try. I count myself lucky she acknowledges that she is BPD and is going to therapy and is taking medication and loves and care for her child in a remarkably responsible way but the interpersonal chaos is chipping away at my resolve.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Or just a longer and longer tunnel?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi rockypath,



While it's good that your gf is diagnosed and in treatment, it's still, well, a rocky path...

You're very frustrated, and that's entirely understandable. pwBPD (people with BPD) have a penchant for making mountains out of mole hills. It's frustrating to say the least.

We have resources here, developed by leading experts in the disorder, which may help you reduce conflict by trying in a new communication style. It may segue well with whatever she is learning in DBT.

Communication using validation

Let me know if that makes sense to start. We have a let of resources here, and members who are experienced in navigating BPD relationships who will support you  

Turkish

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

I just want to say that you do have a lot to hope for.

Hope for your partner's healing. It is possible for a person to recover from BPD, although it will be a long hard path for her, full of setbacks. I don't know of any stories of instant fixes, or even very quick ones.

There is even more hope for you--you can learn how better to deal with your partner. As you do, you will notice that you are getting pulled into participating in the crazyness with her, and you can learn to do better. (No, it isn't easy either!) Further, even if your relationship with her doesn't survive, what you learn about yourself is yours to keep, and carry forward through the rest of your life.

What I learned here has helped me in so many ways, most of which are outside the relationship that sent me here!