I need help and support

[Roselily]

Hi everyone!

I'm here hoping to find support during a difficult time. I'm quite certain my ex BF was 95% BPD. All the symptoms were there, except for suicide ( that I know ABt) and when I finally confronted him, ABt my thoughts, regarding his behavior being chronic and unable for him to control while needing therapy for rage meltdowns he did not deny it at the end.

I loved this person ... but had to leg go... because of finding out about lies, and cheating.

When we first met, he was wonderful to me, attentive, pushing for a " real relationship" we're his words.?We met online ... while he was living in upstate NY and me south Fla. while he was down in Fl. Visiting his parents.

I asked why he wanted to date me, living so far apart, which he quickly said he could and would be willing to move, upon meeting the right person.

I felt it was a little pushy to start off, after two dates telling me it was now or never, he wasn't one to let the grass grow under his feet. I decided to give it a try since we had so much fun upon meeting, and positive flow energetically.

After ABt 2 mos of perfect behavior, he exploded over something trivial on the river where we were fishing.?it startled me, hurt my feelings that he yelled out like he did, and scared me too. I wasn't expecting such an outburst while in such a peaceful atmosphere. That was the start of several unprompted episodes over 6 mos... that occurred after promising to never get angry like that again.

Later, I found him still online, after promises he was off, to seeing messages in his phone with another woman.

He was such a good manipulator, diverting from what he had done, twisting it to be my fault...

I actually found myself apologizing to him!

Anyway, I ended things despite him begging not to leave what we had... ( it was fantastic it awful) ...   One minute he was saying " u are the woman I want to introduce to my family as my girlfriend, to the next sentence, not committing saying we were together near the end. It was mind blowing and confusing...   The last episode was right b4 he was coming down to visit me, a perfectly normal convo turned to him raging. I hung up and he tried calling back... threatening to call him back by such and such time, if I ever wanted to talk to him again... Then Apologizing... to crying...

I always felt bad knowing he was not in control of his emotions. I walked away from it in a daze...

He asked to remain friends... The times we have spoken since, he has made a big brew hah ABt " setting a time to chat and catch up" ... with drama ... Cancelling and rescheduling, then back to original times...

[whispy90]

Sounds pretty similar to my situation (read my post above yours).  Mine also was very pushy and clingy at the beginning of the relationship- he wanted things to move very fast.  Mine also made me feel like the crazy one, and I found myself comforting him and feeling guilty even when HE Was the one doing everything wrong.

They are master manipulators.  They have a victim complex and feel no remorse because they truly feel that everything they do is "someone else's fault" and they were just having a warranted reaction (i.e. acting out outside of relationship).  They will minimize everything they have done and are unable to truly empathize.

Don't take him back.  I made the mistake of doing that.  They act nice for a little bit, but the deceit never ends. They just get better at it.  And once the novelty of the relationship wears off or you start holding them accountable for their behavior, they will cut you out of their life as if you never existed.

Please- while you have the upper hand- cut him out of YOUR life.  Otherwise you'll end up feeling pathetic and used, like I do.

[Mutt]

Hi Roselily,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'd like to join whispy90 and welcome you.

I always felt bad knowing he was not in control of his emotions. I walked away from it in a daze...

He asked to remain friends... The times we have spoken since, he has made a big brew hah ABt " setting a time to chat and catch up" ... with drama ... Cancelling and rescheduling, then back to original times...

I understand how our ex partners seem like they're in control of their emotions, a pwBPD can't regulate their emotions, self sooth and engage in impulsive behaviors when going through emotional stress.

The push-pull behavior from a pwBPD can feel like crazy-making behavior, a pwBPD ex want intimacy but are not capable of healthy adult emotional intimacy. A pwBPD push when we're close and pull when the distance triggers the fear of abandonment.

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

I'm glad that you decided to join our discussion. Many of our members share similar experiences  and can relate.

Has he contacted you?

[sweet tooth]

And once the novelty of the relationship wears off or you start holding them accountable for their behavior, they will cut you out of their life as if you never existed.

That's what happened to me. I pretty calmly called her out on her BS and that's when it hit the fan.

[sweet tooth]

Hi everyone!

I'm here hoping to find support during a difficult time. I'm quite certain my ex BF was 95% BPD. All the symptoms were there, except for suicide ( that I know ABt) and when I finally confronted him, ABt my thoughts, regarding his behavior being chronic and unable for him to control while needing therapy for rage meltdowns he did not deny it at the end.

I loved this person ... but had to leg go... because of finding out about lies, and cheating.

When we first met, he was wonderful to me, attentive, pushing for a " real relationship" we're his words.?We met online ... while he was living in upstate NY and me south Fla. while he was down in Fl. Visiting his parents.

I asked why he wanted to date me, living so far apart, which he quickly said he could and would be willing to move, upon meeting the right person.

I felt it was a little pushy to start off, after two dates telling me it was now or never, he wasn't one to let the grass grow under his feet. I decided to give it a try since we had so much fun upon meeting, and positive flow energetically.

After ABt 2 mos of perfect behavior, he exploded over something trivial on the river where we were fishing.?it startled me, hurt my feelings that he yelled out like he did, and scared me too. I wasn't expecting such an outburst while in such a peaceful atmosphere. That was the start of several unprompted episodes over 6 mos... that occurred after promising to never get angry like that again.

Later, I found him still online, after promises he was off, to seeing messages in his phone with another woman.

He was such a good manipulator, diverting from what he had done, twisting it to be my fault...

I actually found myself apologizing to him!

Anyway, I ended things despite him begging not to leave what we had... ( it was fantastic it awful) ...   One minute he was saying " u are the woman I want to introduce to my family as my girlfriend, to the next sentence, not committing saying we were together near the end. It was mind blowing and confusing...   The last episode was right b4 he was coming down to visit me, a perfectly normal convo turned to him raging. I hung up and he tried calling back... threatening to call him back by such and such time, if I ever wanted to talk to him again... Then Apologizing... to crying...

I always felt bad knowing he was not in control of his emotions. I walked away from it in a daze...

He asked to remain friends... The times we have spoken since, he has made a big brew hah ABt " setting a time to chat and catch up" ... with drama ... Cancelling and rescheduling, then back to original times...

I'm sorry that you're going through that. It's normal to feel conflicted, angry, hurt, etc. I certainly do.

[mmsnow03]

Hi Roselily,

I recently broke up with my ex, who I was 95% certain had BPD as well ( she has been diagnosed with it in the past),  my relationship started the same ways yours did.  It started online and it was amazing at first, and when we met in person (after talking for about a week online) it was absolutely amazing.  She was attentive, caring and basically was the most amazing person I had ever met.  About 2 months into our relationship she completely changed and became this person who was extremely happy or extremely mad/depressed.  When she was depressed, she took her anger out on me, even though I would just try to help her.   By the end, I just couldn't deal with all the ups and downs and all the stress she was putting me through.   I guess what happened to me is very similar to you.  I saw through her lies and when I would call her out on her instability and falseness she would get angry with me.  I actually think she believed her lies.   I've talked to multiple people about it and the thing you have to remember (to help you get over it) is that the person you met is not the real them.  That is the picture/ person they projected to entice you in.  The real them is the person that was going from 0-100 and lying to you.  My ex told me about how this happens in all of her relationships, she starts off as this amazing woman and then the man sees her behavior and 4-6 months later they leave, and the same was with me.  She thinks that the men are the problem and fails to see the pattern.  I feel bad for her, but just remember, it is not your job to save them ( even if it feels like you are supposed to) you need to take care of yourself first.  A relationship is supposed to bring the best out in you, not cause you to be stressed and doubt yourself.  I do not think these people are bad people, in fact I feel very bad for them because I think a lot of them have childhood trauma's that make them this way, however its really hard to deal with the lying and the extreme mood swings.  I hope this helps and for you to know you are not alone.