Talked to a few friends today about what to do/think about my exBPDgf and her accusations and being around her and our son.
A friend who has known her for years said:
She wants attention and if that's what she has to resort too she will
Pretty much sums it up, pure immature impulse to get attention?
I need to work hard on seeing her as she really is, not the person I wanted to see?
To view her as a hurt, sick child needing help and I just got tired of being her parent and asked her to leave.
She's a ferocious mouse? I'm the one giving her power over me?
Much like my mother did? I did my best to please my mother and persuade her to love me, maybe I'm repeating this with my ex?
I hope I figure this out before my son is damaged because his father isn't with him. Gurrrr growing up is a pain!
I can understand why you would worry about your son. Unfortunately, her being the primary carer of him is something you are going to have to accept unless you have irrefutable evidence that he is being mistreated.
Her accusations, whether they are truthful or not, are going to attract attention. You're strength is reflected in your ability to not to pay attention by reacting. And, if you are forced to react, you're reaction should be well thought out, adult like and in the best interests of you and your son. Now that you and she are no longer an item, you need to be the healthy balance that provides a secure base for you and your son.
She was that person you wanted in the beginning because that's what she showed you. This is her MO. Unfortunately, it was a construction and she couldn't sustain it once you began to see some irregularities and worrisome aspects to her attitude and behaviour. It's highly likely you brought these things to her attention because they disturbed you. Not because you wanted to end the relationship but because you wanted you both to be on the same page, better understand each other and build some depth. Unfortunately, they react badly to this approach because they only see it as criticism and interpret that they are not good enough. This wounds them deeply because, for them, you no longer adore them and have begun to find fault.
If this happens too often they will then, through feelings of anger, begin to devalue you as you have them. Of course, you didn't mean your comments to be devaluing in nature, you were just trying to understand so that you could better work together.
Sometimes, although difficult, to really understand them, you have to see things from their position entirely. Were you critical or did you say things that she would interpret as critical and invalidating? You have to be honest with yourself here Jerry and really look deep.
I wouldn't describe her as a 'mouse' ... far from it. More like a wounded tiger that has been cornered ... watch out.
Can I ask you a question?
In the relationship you have/had with your Mother ... do you sometimes feel that she has more power over you than you have of yourself? Have you experienced feelings with your ex that you've experienced before with a family member? Did you ever feel like it was your duty to give way to keep the peace instead of standing your ground subject to your own ideals?
I think, perhaps, you do have some insight into the 'role' you have played in your romantic relationship and what you can change going forward. You can be angry about it because anger is a natural emotion to feel when someone has/is treating you with less than the respect that you deserve. Sometimes, though, it is your responsibility to show that you will not tolerate repeated disrespect.
Kids are resilient creatures and adapt to whatever environment they are exposed to. If you want the best for him, then yes, a bit of growing up will go a long way.
At some point you will need to address child access agreements. If you say the things to a judge that you speak about here ... you run the risk of being judged as no better than her. And, because of the way family law is set up (which is in favour of the biological mother), you will not be doing yourself any favours if you harbour any desire of sole custody. Sad, but true.
If you have grave concerns about your son's physical, emotional and psychological well-being it might be worth considering talking to a forensic psychologist that is engaged in family law and custody case files. But, you must be completely objective and allow any professional the space, in which to carry out an investigation, without any influence from you. All you should do is voice that you are gravely concerned and then allow the psychologist to do his or her job. They're costly (about £3000) ... but if it is your son's welfare that you have at heart ... it is a small price to pay to be sure he'll be raised in a balanced and caring way.
Meanwhile, maintain very low contact. Try not to be drawn into unnecessary drama. Be solid for your boy. Put all this in the hands of professionals that can do something about it. Hold your tongue. Stay calm and work your ass off to earn the money you'll need. Because, unless you put all of your ducks in line first, before making any moves, you'll lose the daily contact with your growing son ... and, I don't think I need to describe to you just how miserable that will feel.
All the best Jerry.
