My son's girlfriend

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My son is 22 and has been with this girl, very probably a BPD, for three years.  They have lived together for two years. She has cut him off from his friends. She has driven a wedge between him and us, his parents and especially his 24 year old sister.  This girl, "T", is manipulative, controlling, jealous and hypercritical.  She has convinced him his upbringing was "all wrong." This is his first serious girlfriend.  He thinks she's the "one." He's a good guy.  He's naturally sensitive, caring, loyal and protective. He's perfect prey for her.  She has convinced him to move to her hometown 3,000 miles away from us to go to school. He's making huge life-altering decisions to please her.  He doesn't see her for what she is.  If we say even one bad word about her my son becomes angry and offended and won't listen.  His father and I have consulted a therapist who advises us to keep the lines of communications open; to let him know he has a soft place to land. So, that means biting our tongue a lot. But this is agony.  Anybody have any advice? I'd love to educate him somehow.  But I can't do it directly.  I'd love to see him break up with her. But I can' see that happening anytime soon, if at all.  My worst fear is that she will get pregnant and trap him in a life of misery. Help!

HM

[worriedmama]

My son is 22 and has been with this girl, very probably a BPD, for three years.  They have lived together for two years. She has cut him off from his friends. She has driven a wedge between him and us, his parents and especially his 24 year old sister.  This girl, "T", is manipulative, controlling, jealous and hypercritical.  She has convinced him his upbringing was "all wrong." This is his first serious girlfriend.  He thinks she's the "one." He's a good guy.  He's naturally sensitive, caring, loyal and protective. He's perfect prey for her.  She has convinced him to move to her hometown 3,000 miles away from us to go to school. He's making huge life-altering decisions to please her.  He doesn't see her for what she is.  If we say even one bad word about her my son becomes angry and offended and won't listen.  His father and I have consulted a therapist who advises us to keep the lines of communications open; to let him know he has a soft place to land. So, that means biting our tongue a lot. But this is agony.  Anybody have any advice? I'd love to educate him somehow.  But I can't do it directly.  I'd love to see him break up with her. But I can' see that happening anytime soon, if at all.  My worst fear is that she will get pregnant and trap him in a life of misery. Help!

HM

[Turkish]

Your therapist's advice is good, but basic.

What kind of communication do you have with the gf? Does she know how you feel about her?

[Kwamina]

Hi worriedmama and welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry all of this is going on. Your son has been with with his girlfriend for 3 years now, how did the two of them meet?

At what point did you start to realize there might be something wrong with his girlfriend's behavior?

Based on how you describe things, it seems your son's behavior has really changed since he's been with his girlfriend. We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that you might find interesting. This is a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your son goes along with his girlfriend and quite possibly lets himself be controlled by her out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

I am glad you have the support of a therapist to help you deal with this difficult situation. I too think your therapist has given you some good advice, the situation still is challenging though of course.

You say your son doesn't see her for what she is, has he ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with his girlfriend's behavior? Do you perhaps feel that your son is in denial about her?

Take care

[worriedmama]

Thanks for the replies.  There was something"off" about the girl from the beginning.  But about a year into this it really started showing. I didn't have a word for it.  Didn't know how to describe her behaviour except as wildly immature.  My therapist made the connection to BPD and then a friend of my mine who is psychologist and worked with inmates for some 30 years nailed it right away as soon as I began to describe her behaviour. My son is either in denial or thinks in some weird way that this is the way it's supposed to be. 

My relationship with her has cooled.  When she told me my daughter was "toxic" and that she didn't like our "lifestyle choices" (diet and exercise) I was infuriated. I stopped being warm and welcoming.  Eventually she apologized.  Sort of. After a lot of talking around it and justifying and rationalizing she said she was sorry.  But things have never been the same.  My son senses the chill and barely comes to the house anymore.  But that's her pattern,  She walks into a new situation.  Everything is great and rosy.  And then she starts to create chaos through criticism and judgement.  She looks for things to criticize.

I found out today through one of their recently cast-off friends that they've picked the names for their children! He's only 22!  How can I detach him from her and her destructive behaviour before there's a child to join in the misery.  Please somebody.  Help.

[Kwamina]

Hi again worriedmama

Thanks for answering our questions. Your son is still quite young, 22, but he is an adult and responsible for his own choices. Considering that his girlfriend might have BPD, I definitely understand your concerns for how their relationship might be developing.

We cannot make people change if they don't want to change themselves. What we can do however, is change our own tactics and how we respond to other people. We describe several communication techniques on this site that might help you communicate better with both your son and his girlfriend. These techniques can help reduce the likelihood of further conflict while maximizing the likelihood of you being able to tell your truth and getting through to the other person:

Validation

Ending the cycle of conflict

Support, Empathy, Truth (S.E.T.)

I encourage you to take a look at these resources and hope they will help you.