Just realised I missed this big red flag

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After a relationship of 3 years, about 6 months ago I broke up with my ex-BPD-wife. She lived in a different country before she moved in with me and just know I remember the following Skype Chat we had:

Her: I love you so much. I want you to be everything to me!

Me: I love you too sweetheart!

Her: I want you to be my man forever, I want you to be my friend, I want you to be my father

Me: Wait... .your father? How can I be your father :P ?

Her: :'( :'( :'(

Me: Wait, what do you mean, I don't understand?

Her: You basically just said no to that. Bye!

And then she went offline, being upset about this the whole day, not wanting to talk to me

Her father is the parent she had a very troubled relationship with. He beat up her mom frequently, cheated and neglected his entire family basically, thinking only about himself. I guess she wanted me to not only be her man, but also the good father she never had. I didn't even know the extent of her father's mistakes by this time, so I couldn't even have known.

If only I had the knowledge I have now by then... .

[Musicmaker1]

After a relationship of 3 years, about 6 months ago I broke up with my ex-BPD-wife. She lived in a different country before she moved in with me and just know I remember the following Skype Chat we had:

Her: I love you so much. I want you to be everything to me!

Me: I love you too sweetheart!

Her: I want you to be my man forever, I want you to be my friend, I want you to be my father

Me: Wait... .your father? How can I be your father :P ?

Her: :'( :'( :'(

Me: Wait, what do you mean, I don't understand?

Her: You basically just said no to that. Bye!

And then she went offline, being upset about this the whole day, not wanting to talk to me

Her father is the parent she had a very troubled relationship with. He beat up her mom frequently, cheated and neglected his entire family basically, thinking only about himself. I guess she wanted me to not only be her man, but also the good father she never had. I didn't even know the extent of her father's mistakes by this time, so I couldn't even have known.

If only I had the knowledge I have now by then... .

[WoundedBibi]

After a relationship of 3 years, about 6 months ago I broke up with my ex-BPD-wife. She lived in a different country before she moved in with me and just know I remember the following Skype Chat we had:

Her: I love you so much. I want you to be everything to me!

Me: I love you too sweetheart!

Her: I want you to be my man forever, I want you to be my friend, I want you to be my father

Me: Wait... .your father? How can I be your father :P ?

Her: :'( :'( :'(

Me: Wait, what do you mean, I don't understand?

Her: You basically just said no to that. Bye!

And then she went offline, being upset about this the whole day, not wanting to talk to me

Her father is the parent she had a very troubled relationship with. He beat up her mom frequently, cheated and neglected his entire family basically, thinking only about himself. I guess she wanted me to not only be her man, but also the good father she never had. I didn't even know the extent of her father's mistakes by this time, so I couldn't even have known.

If only I had the knowledge I have now by then... .

That was a major  . Even without her exact situation, no offense meant. If my ex would have said "I want you to be my mother" I think I would've ended earlier than I did. The feeling of the mother role I felt being cast on me or coming over me, of always having to be the responsible one, already made me feel uneasy to say the least. And very unsexy.

And to be totally honest the first sentence I already find a  . "I want you to be everything to me" I don't want my guy to be everything to me. That would be very unhealthy. He can't be my everything. He can't fill all roles in my life. Or I in his. That's why people need friends separate from partners. And why pwBPD try to isolate their partners...

It's also said in the wrong order. I want YOU to be. Not 'you are my everything' which would be the normal order of the sentence. It clearly indicated a very controlling and narcissistic view point.

My ex did the same at what I see as our official start when he said "I am the one for you" instead of "you are the one for me". A  I missed.

[MapleBob]

Her: I want you to be my man forever, I want you to be my friend, I want you to be my father

Yep,  !

My ex didn't come right out and say that she wanted me to be her father, but during our "just friends for now" time after the breakup she admitted that she was getting more out of talking to me than she was getting out of therapy! We talked about what our friendship was going to be and she described basically a fatherly role of being a supportive and wise ear to bend about her problems. And that was okay for a little while, but when I tried to get any reciprocity of support from her it was like "What? No way!" So essentially she actually was looking for unconditional, one-way fatherly love from me. Sheesh.

[HurtinNW]

After a relationship of 3 years, about 6 months ago I broke up with my ex-BPD-wife. She lived in a different country before she moved in with me and just know I remember the following Skype Chat we had:

Her: I love you so much. I want you to be everything to me!

Me: I love you too sweetheart!

Her: I want you to be my man forever, I want you to be my friend, I want you to be my father

Me: Wait... .your father? How can I be your father :P ?

Her: :'( :'( :'(

Me: Wait, what do you mean, I don't understand?

Her: You basically just said no to that. Bye!

And then she went offline, being upset about this the whole day, not wanting to talk to me

Her father is the parent she had a very troubled relationship with. He beat up her mom frequently, cheated and neglected his entire family basically, thinking only about himself. I guess she wanted me to not only be her man, but also the good father she never had. I didn't even know the extent of her father's mistakes by this time, so I couldn't even have known.

If only I had the knowledge I have now by then... .

I think she was being very honest. She wanted you to be the father she never had. Then when you called her on it, which is quite understandable, her shame got triggered, and she reacted by getting angry and giving you the silent treatment.

It's a shame our people with BPD/NPD aren't able to reflect and be self-aware of these things, and own them. My ex was definitely recreating his parental relationships with me, wanting me to be the mother whom he idealized but deep inside is seething with anger against. He will never be able to admit this. He set me up to be the mother and then punished me. I imagine perhaps your ex set you up to be that father that hurt her and punished you too.

[WoundedBibi]

It's a shame our people with BPD/NPD aren't able to reflect and be self-aware of these things, and own them. My ex was definitely recreating his parental relationships with me, wanting me to be the mother whom he idealized but deep inside is seething with anger against. He will never be able to admit this. He set me up to be the mother and then punished me. I imagine perhaps your ex set you up to be that father that hurt her and punished you too.

I *so* know (now) that my ex was doing EXACTLY this too... .

[HurtinNW]

It's a shame our people with BPD/NPD aren't able to reflect and be self-aware of these things, and own them. My ex was definitely recreating his parental relationships with me, wanting me to be the mother whom he idealized but deep inside is seething with anger against. He will never be able to admit this. He set me up to be the mother and then punished me. I imagine perhaps your ex set you up to be that father that hurt her and punished you too.

I *so* know (now) that my ex was doing EXACTLY this too... .

Me too! Too bad we can't give them our insight!

My ex is convinced he adored his mother and talks about her in this very odd way... .it's a voice that should sound fawning but actually sounds bizarre and insincere. He never called her mom, either. He called her by her first name. There was lots of emotional incest. He was the first man I've ever met who was proud to identify himself as a mama's boy. There were a lot of  in the way he talked about his mom that I should have noticed. Especially during the idealization phase when he compared me to her... .

[Nuitari]

Wow! This thread is very eye-opening. Before, during, and even after the relationship, my ex singled me out as someone who was put on this planet for the sole purpose of vindicating, providing emotional support, and solving all her problems for her. Before the relationship began, she would confide her problems to me, saying that I was always a shoulder for her to cry on. I thought this was odd considering that we didn't even know each other that well at the time. I always got the impression that I was dealing with a child searching for a parent. Even after the relationship ended, she always looked to me to console her when she was having some crises. I took it pretty hard when the relationship ended, and on top of that I had to deal with losing a job too. All I wanted was space from her to help me heal, but she couldn't give it too me. Sometimes she would call me just to talk when she felt lonely. Other times it was to ask me for some trivial favor. She was too busy with other stuff and needed me to do this or that. It was like she was trying to get me involved in every aspect of her life. When I tried to distance myself from her and tell her that I'm not going to do this and that for her, she would get mad and accuse me of not caring about her. I used to feel like she was just using me, but now that I understand more about BPD, I think this behavior was tied to abandonment fears. Even though the relationship was over, she still tried to cling on to me and refused to let go. And like MapleBob's ex, mine was also unable to make any sort of emotional investment in my problems, but I had an obligation to bend over backwards to help her. Her problems were supposed to be my problems too. I weren't allowed to have any of my own.

[WoundedBibi]

Wow! This thread is very eye-opening. Before, during, and even after the relationship, my ex singled me out as someone who was put on this planet for the sole purpose of vindicating, providing emotional support, and solving all her problems for her. Before the relationship began, she would confide her problems to me, saying that I was always a shoulder for her to cry on. I thought this was odd considering that we didn't even know each other that well at the time. I always got the impression that I was dealing with a child searching for a parent. Even after the relationship ended, she always looked to me to console her when she was having some crises. I took it pretty hard when the relationship ended, and on top of that I had to deal with losing a job too. All I wanted was space from her to help me heal, but she couldn't give it too me. Sometimes she would call me just to talk when she felt lonely. Other times it was to ask me for some trivial favor. She was too busy with other stuff and needed me to do this or that. It was like she was trying to get me involved in every aspect of her life. When I tried to distance myself from her and tell her that I'm not going to do this and that for her, she would get mad and accuse me of not caring about her. I used to feel like she was just using me, but now that I understand more about BPD, I think this behavior was tied to abandonment fears. Even though the relationship was over, she still tried to cling on to me and refused to let go. And like MapleBob's ex, mine was also unable to make any sort of emotional investment in my problems, but I had an obligation to bend over backwards to help her. Her problems were supposed to be my problems too. I weren't allowed to have any of my own.

She didn't realise you had any of your own; you were but an extension of her.

PwBPD have such intense emotions they are consumed by them. It's like they don't have any room left to realise the people close to them have emotions too. Other than the emotions they have about the pwBPD. The people further away from them don't have emotions; they are cardboard cut outs. People that can't feel as deeply as pwBPD do, are 'dead', cartoon characters, cardboard cut outs.

[AndrewS]

Not only are the emotionally overwhelmed, they are terrified of annihilation. It's a double edged sword. The more centred and self aware you are, the more you can be a stabiliser and help to them, but they lose their identity in you. They have no sense of self or self worth, and self love is not even a wold dream for them, so the more whole you are, which is what they crave, the more they are terrified and have to either leave or sabotage until you leave. It's so sad that they can never see it.

[steelwork]

Once, in moment of emotional anguish, my ex said he "must not" let me stand in for his (neglectful) mother and identify the pain of his childhood with me. Yeah, add that to the parade of 

[Cazz787]

For me, once when my ex was talking about how we must had been lovers in a past life as well, she added, "or my mother."

I said "HUH?"

Still - I was clueless to what I was dealing with at the time.

[Makersmarksman]

Mine, on our first date gave me a very personal poem she had written in high school regarding depression and suicide.  She also explained to me that her greatest fear was "to be like my mother."  Of course back then I took all of this to mean, this girl really trusts me and doesnt even know me, this girl is so into me, I am so getting in her pants, blah blah blah.

That was 20 years ago, 20 years of agony with some great times sprinkled in.  You are fortunate to have have exposed it.

[BarbHH]

How reassuring to read your posts... .That's one thing, right: afterwards we see there many red flags that should have made us realise something was seriously wrong but that we chose to ignore. It makes me feel silly, guilty and many slightly crazy... .and reading your stories helps SO much. So, thanks a lot for sharing.

In my case, I met my husband in Russia (he being German, and me French although living in Spain) during a conference. The attraction was immediate. He was handsome, bright, fun, sweet, lovely, interesting, spontaneous, etc. A few days later, he sent me an email so say he knew it sounded weird after just a few days, but he had fallen in love with me ( ), and a week later he visited me in Spain. We had a great time, lots of fun, and amazing sex. We saw each other again a month or so later and did a road trip in France and Germany, and it was all so amazing that he proposed ( ) and I said YES!

It was all just like in a dream, the guy was so fabulous I thought it was almost too good to be true. In fact, it WAS too good to be true.

By then, I was successful at work, had plenty of responsabilities, travelled a lot for work, had a previous difficult relationship (now I can see this one was a BPD too),  but I was longing for love and to create the lovely loving family that I didn't have as a teenager (my parents divorced when I was 11 and were at war for 25 years after that, growing up was extemely difficult and unhappy times). So it just seemed that the wheel had turned and the right time had come for me, and that somehow, destiny had put this wonderful man on my path, for which I was so grateful.

Then came the first fit of rage cause he got an answer to only 10 of his sms, and not to the 11th ( ). Later, after a night out, 1st real fit of rage in the street as I had "chatted up" another guy (a gay friend of mine), which happened twice ( ). My freedom disminished as he had moved in with me ( ). A scene cause I had spent too much time to the hairdresser ( ), etc. Looking back, I am sure that because I thought I am not worth that much, I've always founded him excuses. Something like "I am so worthless, difficult etc, that I can't blame him for having his own faults."

And the last of those big  before we got married (then started the real nightmare): a few days before the wedding, after a great night out (ok, too much alcohol): "I cancel the wedding, I am not marrying a whore", and he actually pushed me against the wall

Still, I married him on the condition that he would start a therapy after the honeymoon (from hell, but that's another story).

Looking back now, it is incredible that I didn't run away at the very beginning, but when it was good, it was so amazingly fantastic. I was drawn to him, the attraction was incredible, I really felt like he was my soul mate... .Still, with the help of my therapist, I have understood that I was only his victim because I didn't have enough confidence in me to recognise he was not right and to have the strenght to leave him.

Now, 3,5 years later, I've finally had it, and I hope I can stick to it.

[BarbHH]

And a last thing, he's always said he "loves me like crazy" ( ). Actually asked him once if he could maybe "love me like normal" 

[prisonmike]

I think maybe I'm at both ends of the spectrum with this parental role thing... .She's 15 years older than me (first mistake) but I always just viewed her like another woman, not an older woman or a mother figure, well at first anyway. But I think she has always had herself in that mother role. Actually, apparently a bunch of her exes and former-flings were a decent years younger than her. She never said anything about being a mother to me but I can tell she feels it the way she tries to do everything for me and care for me like I would expect a mother to do for a child. I've actually called her out on it a few times by sarcastically saying "thanks, mom" after she said or did something that made me feel like she was treating me like a child, and then the fit of rage followed... .She definitely has issues with her mother though, so much I could write about that, neglect and abuse and all that, so maybe she's trying to be the mother she wanted her mother to be, except she sucks at doing that... .

But then, I find myself fitting the father role a lot. Sometimes I really feel like I'm caring for a child. I swear to god she has the mental capacity of a 12 year old. She says and does and thinks things that make me wonder what is going on in that head of hers. I feel like I'm the only one who has any maturity in the relationship... .

I really gotta get out... .