This is my story

[Raindrop]

Hi everyone, this would be my second post. But in reality is my first openly talking about what has happened to me in the past 3 years.

I move to a new city for personnal reasons and I met this man, kind, handsome, athletic and gentle. Fell in love little by little (without really noticing the red flags) and one day (3 months ago) he just flat out told me he had a mild medical condition, he told me about it after I stayed Inside the closet for 4 hours because he had been yelling and crying.  A typical scene for the past 3 years... .food to cold, to hot... .i'm not sensitive enough, I don't care about his feelings... .I don't let him be the man he wants to be... .

I feel really horrible about myself and about what i'm feeling for him right now. now that I know about him having borderline personality disorder and being bi-polar makes sense. And it drives me insane to think he's not at fault... .can I really blame him for all the hell he has put me trought?

not sure where to start telling my story... .the first time he yelled ? when he punched a wall and said I made him do it? when he started cutting my tshirt cause he said i like to show my body to everyone?... .or when he fordbide me to talk to other men.

who am I in all of this? what is left for me to work on? Most of my emmotions towards him are negative, except when I remember how good we were together (when he wasn't having any épisodes)... .he's a scientis, so he's really smart. He helps out in the community... .he takes care of his mother... .

We broke up... .he calls, he cries, he yelles, he accept he was wrong and then the blames me for it.

I hang up, he calls back... .he says he has never been better (mentally) than when he was with me... .he says I'm the only one who could possibly help him out. "don't give up on me" kind of speach... .

i miss him... miss talking about sciences and physics and art with him... .


i changed phone number once... .he got hold of my new nomber... .why do I even bother changing or hiding or going away? 

i get pannick attacks when I hear my phone ring... .i drive and i'm ansious that i'll see him or he'll see me... .

he will be back... .I know... .I just have to be strong and keep going.


wish there was a pill, like in that movie with jim carrey... .just to forget the crazy periods of the past 3 years... .

I can recognize myself... .lost so much weigth, lost all my friends, pushed family away... .  can't sleep at all... .can't walk outside... .i even put a veil in my head to be able to walk outside my house.


so tired... .

[Turkish]

What you describe is controlling and abusive: the wall punching, clothes cutting, and forbidding you from normal social interactions. Do you see it differently?