desperately not wanting to give up/trying to remain loyal

[DeliBonJ]

He abandoned me and is not letting me know where he's now living.  stopped all communication with me, and after several days of continuously trying to reach him by phone, I realized I was wrong to keep trying, then gave up.  He phoned me on his own after 1 week, sounded uncaring, cold, and said our break-up has to be.  then told me he'd call next day to see how things are, but never called back.  I've been refraining from calling him, but the temptation is extremely difficult to resist.  I've never experienced this desertion before, terribly cold, uncaring treatment.  I'm also widowed after 31 yrs of marriage (husband passed in July, 2012), but met this new man who was infatuated w/me in the very beginning of our first meeting.  I was drawn to his treatment of me like his "angel" then also found out he has medications for anxiety/depression, high blood pressure and was "barely" divorced from his 2nd wife, where he said both marriages were extremely bitter relationships.  I was nothing like them, and instead very loyal, sensitive, caring.  Now he did to me what he complained was done to him.  I am having GREAT difficulty functioning normally each day, have trouble sleeping, eating well, cannot stand being at home at all.  I feel better being constantly away from home, but I can't be.  However, when at home, I cannot tolerate being home.  After living a life being honored, cherished, experiencing great loyalty, togetherness, this new experience has given me another unbearable tragedy, but I'm not tolerating it well at all.  I keep wanting my "ex"boyfriend to let the love of Christ into his heart and warm it with the reality of who he'd be losing if he firmly believed he should throw me away.  I am not a giving up type, because of my loyalty and commitment.  I must have very strong feelings, but he shows me nothing but hostile rejection.  We have had many tensions, and he has shown high levels of temper, but I & he believe it's mostly due to his "anxiety" issues/condition.

[C.Stein]

Hi and welcome

I completely understand where you are at right now.  The devastating feelings of pain, loss, bewilderment, confusion ... .it is like a dark pit with no apparent exit.  

It is incredibly difficult to reconcile the disparity between the "dream come true" person you met and fell in love with and the disordered person who treats you like a piece of trash.  It is even harder when they project their own issues onto you.  It leaves you questioning everything about yourself, blaming yourself.  

I am also a very loyal and committed person.  A nine months out after being replaced then thrown away like trash there is still a part of me that feels loyal and committed.

You are lost in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) right now, we all were/are.  With time the FOG will lift, slowly but it will, and you will start to see things more clearly.

I highly recommend you read through the lessons.  It will help you understand what you are going through right now and provide you with some clarity, not only with regard to yourself but your pwBPD and the relationship.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

[Lucky Jim]

Hey DelibonJ, Welcome!  Many of us have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.  Ditto to what C. Stein wrote.  The first step, in my view, is with yourself.  Start taking care of yourself again.  Be kind and gentle with yourself.  You've experienced the trauma that is part of a BPD r/s.  Now it's time to regroup and return the focus to YOU.

LuckyJim