I connot protect myself or my children

[LilMe]

I feel like a total failure right now.  I cannot protect my children.  I am small and insignificant.  My children's counselor urged me to do whatever I can to keep uBPD away from our children as long as possible because they are having such a hard time dealing with the mental and physical abuse he inflicted on us.  I was very clear with my lawyer about this; I just spoke with her again last week and made sure she understood.  Tonight I got an email from uBPD saying my lawyer told his lawyer that he can come pick them up Friday morning and keep them for an unspecified amount of time!  In my court papers I asked for supervised visitation for 2 hours on Saturday with a professional supervisor at a safe place.  He is also still holding everything the children and I own and won't let us have it.  He has been repeatedly telling me I can't have our stuff until I let him see the children.  In spite of leaving and providing evidence of abuse, he continues to control us.  I am totally crushed right now.  Other than their counselor, I am the only one who seems to care about the mental and physical well being of my children and I feel powerless to help them.

[Turkish]

Remind us again... .you live in a small community, your H is if not a prominemt personality, he's known and tapped into the good ol'e boy network. Despite having a counselor and support at a local shelter, you're still having a lot of power exerted over you.

Is there anything signed regarding custody? "My lawyer said... ." So what? Let's see something in writing.

[LilMe]

Yes Turkish.  We actually have a 50/50 custody agreement that I am breaking.  My lawyer said that my recordings, pictures, and journal of his abuse against myself and the children was enough to keep the children away from him without getting into trouble.  (Thanks to advice here!)  I will call in the morning and try to find out why this is happening.

He has been showing up randomly wherever the children and I are.  Every time, he talks bad about me to the children and whoever else is there and I have to leave.  Thankfully he stays away from our rental house.  But he has been going to my neighbors asking questions and talking bad about me.  I do not know all of them.  One neighbor told him I stay out regularly until 5 AM!  I was told he announced this loudly at a church dinner.  He is bad mouthing me all over town.  I couldn't even get an order of protection and it will be months before the custody issue goes before a judge because we know all the judges personally and they will all have to recuse themselves then bring in a judge from outside of our county.

I suppose I am just venting.  I just have to ride the waves as they come.  But I hate that the children are the ones suffering the most damage.

[patientandclear]

You probably want to head back over to the legal board; but I am very concerned that your lawyer is counseling you to break an established 50/50 agreement without getting a superceding court order. If you have evidence of abuse I would not doubt that you CAN change the terms of access. But you can't just use unilateral self-help to do that--you have to secure a court order to that effect. This can often be done on short time as an emergency protective order of some sort (I did this when my exH, not the man I post here about, had a psychotic break and started saying weird things toward me in the presence of our child--current misbehavior and abusive use of conflict may be most useful in getting a temporary/emergency order because longstanding abuse that pre-dates your 50/5 agreement may not be seen as timely for emergency action).

Are you already divorced? Or is the 50/50 thing something you agree to informally? Or is it a preliminary court order?

Bottom line: it is likely you CAN protect yourself and your children--but only if your lawyer is skilled and takes steps to protect your position. Please check now on whether she/he has immediate plans to modify the 50/50 order in court. If not, I would get another lawyer.

[LilMe]

We filed a modification to the order, but with the judge problem, it may be months until we get before a judge.  We were never married.  I signed the original parenting plan because I had no lawyer, no money. and was considered 'homeless because I was temporarily staying with friends.  In our state full custody is automatically awarded to the parent with a residence when the other is 'homeless'.  I am stuck with this lawyer as she is free from legal aid.  She specializes in this type of case (high conflict, abuse, etc).  She is from a larger city near here and I will not find anyone better here anyway.  I am waiting for her office to open so I can call.

I posted here and not legal because this whole situation I am in is part of my detaching process.  It would be so much easier if there weren't children involved!  I feel like a piece of taffy getting stretched out thinner and thinner, trying to break away, but it is just not happening.  I am having such a hard time dealing with it all.  I will start back up in counseling soon and I am sure that will help.  I must be strong for my children, but I do not feel strong at all!

[Mutt]

Hi LilMe,


I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time.

He has been showing up randomly wherever the children and I are.  Every time, he talks bad about me to the children and whoever else is there and I have to leave.  Thankfully he stays away from our rental house.  But he has been going to my neighbors asking questions and talking bad about me.  I do not know all of them.  One neighbor told him I stay out regularly until 5 AM!  I was told he announced this loudly at a church dinner.  He is bad mouthing me all over town.

Good boundaries with leaving if he shows up. I think he's embarrassing himself when he's talking bad with whoever else is there. Remember, there are two sides to a story.

I'll give you the same advice that my P gave me, don't worry about what your ex is saying, that's on him not you.

[LilMe]

Thank you, Mutt.  I have been working hard at boundaries with him.  I blocked him on all our phones and only allow email contact.  Now we do not all tense up every time the phone rings!  I know in my head that people must question his sanity.  The people at church who heard him say I stayed out until 5 AM thought it was hilarious.  I said, 'you can't imagine me out partying all night?' and they laughed even harder.     After being through a custody battle with a BPD before I am ultra paranoid about what will be used against me in court.  My 1st husband managed to 'prove' ridiculous things with 'witnesses' and 'evidence' mixed with my worthless lawyer and I lost custody.  Those children are grown now and will testify on my behalf, but I am still very anxious about the whole process!

I called my lawyer and her secretary said she absolutely did not tell him he could come get the children.  I am waiting now on her return call.  I am feeling a tiny bit better!

[Mutt]

My pleasure LilMe. I'm glad to hear that you're feeling a little bit better. I would feel distressed if I had a terrible experience with a worthless lawyer. How do you feel about your current lawyer? Do you trust your L?

What do you do for self care?

[LilMe]

I talked to my lawyer today and it turns out he apparently made the whole visit plan up.  She wonders if his lawyer even knew about it!  She seems very sharp and very concerned about my children.  I had a really horrible day yesterday and totally over reacted!  I am still very scared of this whole court process after what has happened in the past and get anxious about it easily.  I will have to try to delay my freak out until I get more information about issues that come up.

Self care.  I have been mostly alone with the children since I left.  My mom broke her hip and was to be my support and occasional babysitter.  Her new hip is healing nicely and she should be back on track in another month or two.  My teen daughters just finished school for the year and will be helping me more now.  I try to drink a beer and watch an episode of Star Trek or read a few chapters in whatever book I am reading after the children go to sleep.  Reading Brene Brown's Gifts of Imperfection now - excellent book!  I will be able to go back to counseling now that the teens are here to babysit.  I made a tiny garden that we work in and I do volunteer work several times a week that I enjoy.  And I love my job on the weekends.  I also have a few close friends that I talk to once a week or so.