Replacement Fellings, Minimal, But Still There

[Turkish]

She picked the kids up from church today. She was late, but at least let me know by text. My philosophy is the old military adage, "early is on time, and on time is late." I've been teaching S6 this. She was an hour late yesterday dropping off the kids. She used to say, "I don't like people wasting my time," though she had no visibility that she wasted others time by always being late.

I took the kids to the car, and her H was driving her car, decked out in the cool man shades. I reached through the passenger window and shook his hand in greeting. I strapped my kids in. They started in with the bad language, which we've been struggling with "poo-poo" "pee-pee" They behaved well yesterday with me. I assert boundaries, and I don't care if it upsets my kids. They behave better with me.

Anyway, I was a little triggered by seeing him there in "my" spot. This is the first time he's shown up there. It wasn't deliberate on her part. They were going to some party.

I guess that I was only slightly triggered shows my detachment, 2.5 years later get over it Turkish

Yesterday, S6 was telling me he wanted to stay with me because he loved me more than Mommy.  Couldn't elicit why, so I stopped asking. He was happy to see the H though, so I'll validate that as appropriate.

[once removed]

I guess that I was only slightly triggered shows my detachment, 2.5 years later get over it Turkish

this was your wife and is the mother of your children. at 2.5 years youve made immeasurable progress, but if your best friend was in the same position, would you be thinking they ought to just get over it?

im not in that position, i never have been, but seeing another dude in "my" spot, interacting with my kids, would certainly trigger me. he could be a great guy or a terrible guy - both would trigger me one way or another. given the situation and origin of the relationship, i think it would always be kind of a raw spot.

what kind of thoughts and feelings does it trigger?

[Herodias]

That would be really difficult... .I would just remember what kind is "spot" he is in. Glad you were able to handle the situation calmly... .  One day he may look at you with a sad look on his face- you never know. You could get to know him one day. I have heard of that happening. Then you will know she hasn't changed and the poor guy is just doing what you were doing... .only the actor changes... .not the part.

[steelwork]

I think it's a brain-stem response (or something)--something very primal that maybe will never go away. In your shoes, I can't imaging not having some vestige of that "get out of my seat" reaction. But it might gradually come to feel like a meaningless reflex.

[Turkish]

It still angers me, from a self-righteous perspective, perhaps, which I logically realize is all about me, I own it.

I also feel relieved that I'm not under the pressure of gong to parties at least every other weekend (a cultural thing on her side... .and my judgementalism is that focusing on partying  at the expense of connecting emotionally with the kids).

She encouraged me to go to her family's pool party today, even though it was my time. I deferred. I had major behavioral problems with D4 today. I needed to take care of it with no interference. She's still trying to bring me into things, and I'm asserting boundaries. Only by asserting boundaries, does she withdraw. The FOG is my problem.

[C.Stein]

Your reaction is totally understandable.  No matter what happened there was once a vision of the future you shared with her and seeing someone replace you in that vision is painful, no matter how detached you might be at this point.

Beware of the FOG ... .observe without letting it engulf.