Questioning Myself

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After a series of hostile and delusional texts last night, I sent the "don't contact me except by email about the divorce" text.

I am nc. Today I got a text I think about me, but not to me- like sent by mistake. Anyway, it said "she really put me through the ringer, a real mind f@#$". I keep asking myself if I did that. I think my insecurity and codependency drove him crazy, but I don't think I put him through the ringer. He exacerbated my insecurity and codependency. What if I'm the one with BPD? I don't understand how, given the facts, he could make such a comment. If there is any way his comment is accurate, then maybe I am totally wrong about things. Or this just painting me black?

[atomic popsicles]

After a series of hostile and delusional texts last night, I sent the "don't contact me except by email about the divorce" text.

I am nc. Today I got a text I think about me, but not to me- like sent by mistake. Anyway, it said "she really put me through the ringer, a real mind f@#$". I keep asking myself if I did that. I think my insecurity and codependency drove him crazy, but I don't think I put him through the ringer. He exacerbated my insecurity and codependency. What if I'm the one with BPD? I don't understand how, given the facts, he could make such a comment. If there is any way his comment is accurate, then maybe I am totally wrong about things. Or this just painting me black?

[vortex of confusion]

I think a lot of us have had that same question. What if I am the one with BPD?

Ultimately, I don't think it matters. I have things that I need to work on about myself. A truly healthy person wouldn't have put up with the crap that some of us have put up with in these relationships.

These kinds of toxic relationships are difficult on everyone involved. When two people have such a different perception of reality, it is bound to feel like being put through the ringer. I will never be able to understand STBX. I imagine that it frustrated him to try to get me to see his twisted and deluded point of view as much as it frustrated me to try to get him to see my point of view. It isn't going to happen. I have objectivity on my side whereas he can't even seem to remember stuff because he has a tendency to block bad things out completely.

[Mutt]

Hi atomic popsicles,

I don't understand how, given the facts, he could make such a comment.

I think that you may know your answer. Many of us can relate with second guessing ourselves. My ex altered reality to match her feelings and would sometimes alter the context again, I was confused and second guessing myself, I started to think that maybe I really am as bad as she says. A lesson that I learned is to listen to my intuition, it supports and guides us. I learned to trust my intuition.

It helps to step back and look at the bigger picture, it's a single text, we don't have details of the conversation, he may be frustrated with something about the divorce negations?

[gotbushels]

I am nc. Today I got a text I think about me, but not to me- like sent by mistake. (... .)

Hi atomic popsicles. Just adding a perspective. It didn't look like a mistake. Anyway, he looks like he's trying to pass judgment on you. These kinds of statements seem created to provoke a response whether a person knows it or not. If it's drawing you to respond to it, try to keep in mind the bigger picture.

I don't know how practical NC is, but blocking as an option helps. I didn't block my ex, but I prepared myself mentally for her to continue dysregulating at me by text. Another option for you is simply not to read the message. Most phones give notifications. You don't even have to read those. Just swipe it when you see the name. You can even turn it off it you don't need the app for work.

This only came up for me once as she kept up her end of the NC, but the important thing is to have a view of what you're going to do. Hope you get some rest.