I don't know what to do

[Venny]

I broke up with BPD early April. I didn't want to but the lies and abuse became too much. I think she cheated but have no proof. I wake up almost every morning with this sick feeling in my stomach and I miss her. I think about it all day every day and am actually on a leave from work. I've sent her countless emails that never get a response to the point that I don't even remember what I wrote and I'm sure I come off as crazy.  But who wouldn't be. I spent 5 years with her and then poof all gone. Once in a while she responds... .yesterday is was saying goodbye and she will always love me and never forget me. That prompted emails from me basically all day which she never replied to. I should be happy to be free of this but truth is I'm not. I loved her. I don't know how to move on and I feel like I have BPD now. I'm falling apart and therapy is expensive. I really don't know what to do to come to terms with this and stop cycling through it over and over again... .

[Ahoy]

Hi Venny,

I can see you are having an extremely tough time processing everything. Your pain is clearly evident and I really do sympathize because so much of what you have mentioned are thoughts that I ruminated on, on a daily basis (and still do to some degree)

Your ex's last email pretty clearly indicates a tone of finality. I'm afraid sending her emails all day equates to playing a game of table tennis against a brick wall. You can keep hitting the ball back, but eventually the wall is going to win.

My advice, you need to step back and take a few deep breaths. You are completely overwhelmed and your actions are keeping yourself in a heightened state of stress and anxiety.

Stepping back allows you to begin to detach. Yes the pain is overwhelming but how can you begin to understand what may have happened between you and your partner in your current state.

Therapy IS expensive, however it is also very useful in helping you begin to process your emotions. I know my sessions helped me gain immense clarity in why I was feeling the way that I did.

Finally, BPD relationships have been likened to an addiction. I believe their is a lot of truth to this. I certainly felt like I had to go through a withdrawal phase with my ex. It was EXTREMELY painful. But on the other side waits knowledge and understanding.

Right now you are grieving the loss of your relationship. Please accept this is a process we all have to transition through. We were ALL once exactly where you are now and I'm telling you, if you stay strong, you WILL get though this.

I found it helpful to talk about what I was feeling to understand WHY I was feeling the way I did. What makes you think she cheated? Why are you sending her so many emails, knowing you are not getting a response? and most importantly, what can you do to begin to move on?

[Venny]

Thank you for the response. I don't know what I expect by sending the emails. ... .as I do it I'm telling myself to stop. It's just all such a nightmare. I don't want to hunk about it but it literally occupies my every thought... .as soon as I wake up its there. The short answer to your question what am I doing to move on is... .I don't know what to do... .  the therapists I'm speaking with just seem to listen to me ramble. ... .no plan to follow or move forward. I realize talking to her and writing stupid emails does nothing. That's it tho... .I feel like there is just nothing. Despite everything and 5 years together just nothingness. I also understand that by reaching out to her I just push her further away. The reality is I can't be with her... .she has ruined my life. Now I feel stuck and seriously don't know what to do. I'm starting to think I have BPD. I don't care about anything and don't have the will to do anything. Any advice or steps to follow would be greatly appreciated.

[C.Stein]

I can completely related to the hurricane that is going on in your heart and head right now.  You feel like you have lost all sense of reality and control.  The thoughts and emotions are raging inside of you and it almost feels like you are being ripped apart.   I know you want to pain to stop, the hurricane to dissipate and you are looking to your ex to do that.  You are going through serious withdrawal now and you want her to save you from your pain.  The thing is she can't ... .only you can save yourself.  Sending email after email is only going to add to you pain, not relieve it.

When I found out about BPD and the very good chance my ex suffers from it I started working on a list of all the things she did that point to the likelihood that she suffers from BPD (traits and behavior).  For each thing she did I also wrote about how it made me feel, what it did to me on a personal level.  I still work on this document even now and it has helped tremendously in clearing the FOG and gaining some clarity and insight not only with respect to her but also with respect to myself.  It has also helped to keep me grounded in reality, especially when I find myself asking the inevitable "what ifs" that plague us all.

Do you think it might help if you start your own document?

[Ahoy]

I can completely related to the hurricane that is going on in your heart and head right now.  You feel like you have lost all sense of reality and control.  The thoughts and emotions are raging inside of you and it almost feels like you are being ripped apart.   I know you want to pain to stop, the hurricane to dissipate and you are looking to your ex to do that.  You are going through serious withdrawal now and you want her to save you from your pain.  The thing is she can't ... .only you can save yourself.  Sending email after email is only going to add to you pain, not relieve it.

When I found out about BPD and the very good chance my ex suffers from it I started working on a list of all the things she did that point to the likelihood that she suffers from BPD (traits and behavior).  For each thing she did I also wrote about how it made me feel, what it did to me on a personal level.  I still work on this document even now and it has helped tremendously in clearing the FOG and gaining some clarity and insight not only with respect to her but also with respect to myself.  It has also helped to keep me grounded in reality, especially when I find myself asking the inevitable "what ifs" that plague us all.

Do you think it might help if you start your own document?

Stein makes a great point. I personally got really stuck on these 'what ifs' its a terrible way to be because regardless of what happened to you in your relationship, these thoughts usually focus on your actions and leads to you beating yourself up and feeling entirely at fault.

I made a similar list, however it was of her negative and/or hurtful actions. I printed it out and had it visible in my house. When I was ruminating on the good time and compartmentalizing the bad, this list served as a stark reminder that no matter how good I thought things were, the 'bad' far outweighed the good!

Venny another thing you can do right now is simply sit at your computer and start a journal. Pour your heart into it. A lot of people find it helpful and a form of venting. You can also read older posts and track your improvement (and you WILL improve, trust me!)

[C.Stein]

Venny another thing you can do right now is simply sit at your computer and start a journal. Pour your heart into it. A lot of people find it helpful and a form of venting. You can also read older posts and track your improvement (and you WILL improve, trust me!)

I agree here.  The idea is to bring some order to the chaos that is going on inside of your mind right now Venny.   At this point in time it will be near impossible to do it in your mind alone.  There are just too many emotions and thoughts raging inside of you to grasp on to any one of them.  Writing it all down helps to actually see what is going on inside.  It helps give you perspective and eventually clarity. 

[Meili]

Like you, Venny, I ended my r/s with my xgf in April. I still feel the pain everyday. I still ask all of the questions, the what if's, the why's, the maybe if only's... .I sit around all day long, from the moment that I awake until I finally fall asleep, wondering what would happen is I were to break no contact? Would she finally feel loved? Would that actually show her how important she is to me? Has she finally realized how much our love actually meant? All sorts of thoughts like that fill my mind, clouding and distorting my reality.

To stay grounded in reality I also have done what Stein and Ahoy did; made a list. Juxtaposing the list with "but, I love her!" makes me wonder why I love her? If she did all of those horrible things, how can I possibly love her? More importantly, what exactly was it that I love about her?

Have you given any real thought to what it is that you actually love about her when you place that love next to her actions over the past five years?