HEY EDGEWOOD Welcome to the Coping & Healing Board . I'm so sorry that you are a co-trustee with your sister. It sounds like it can be unsafe to be physically present with her.
My older sis is an uBPD. She lived with my uBPD mom for six years before her recent death. She hasn’t been financially independent for years and is getting worse now that she’s facing the need to be responsible for herself. We are both equal Trustees, so we have to settle things together. She has gone back and forth about whether or not she will stay in mom’s house or move away. We co-own everything and she can’t afford to buy me out.
When she’s in crisis (I call it Mr Hyde), she is completely out of control. I am afraid of her. I believe she could pluck my eyes out of my head without batting an eye. She recently came at me, backing me against a wall, yelling obscenities over and over
Is you sister getting therapy and/or is she on any meds for her behavior issues? I see that you indicate your mom was uBPD (and worked as a psych nurse). Did your mom ever get therapy or treatment for any type of mental illness?
It is likely that your mom's death brought on a
FEAR OF ABANDONMENT issue for your sister. Click on the link to your left, to get to 6 pages of discussion on that issue. My uBPD sister certainly emerged with major BPD behavior right when our parent's health began to decline and we had to start working together and sharing in decisions.
You might want to consult a Trust & Estate attorney. One approach would be to take a court action to have your sister removed as co-trustee, due to mental incapacity. You might have to use your personal money to do this, and then get repaid from the trust later.
The
BIFF RESPONSE is something that might be helpful.
BIFF stand for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. The acronym BIFF was coined by lawyer Bill Eddy to use with high conflict people. I recently purchased one of his
BIFF books. You can find it on Amazon. The link above, to an article on this website, will give you details of the technique. The author of BIFF, also, wrote the book,
"High Conflict People in Legal Disputes". I have both books. My sister lawyered up. I tried to interact without one and finally decided I needed to get an attorney. There are lawyers that will represent a pwBPD and pursue non's as if they are the crazy ones.
You might, also, think about getting a restraining order.
Unfortunately, I know a little about what you are going through. I believe our parents think they are being "fair", when they make siblings "co-trustees". They have no idea of the mess that ensues.
Your sister sounds a lot worse than mine, and I can understand how you feel unsafe and threatened. One of my sister's behaviors was to
SPLIT me and paint me black. Our father had a bad temper, but unlike our father, my sister would invade my physical space when she went into violent rages, and appeared as if she could easily hit me. My dad never did this, and I never felt physically threatened with him, but I have with my sister.
I'm a co-trustee with my uBPD sister. She is divorced and her children are all dysfunctional in various ways. When our parent's health began to fail, my sister and I had to work together as "co" everything with our now deceased parent's (Medical POA's, Financial POA's and then Co-Trustees on our parent's trusts). She painted me black, as soon as we had to work together. I couldn't figure it out. It was a time when sisters should support each other. My sister is active in her church, and appears to be a perfect angel with her church friends, but to me, she became a devil. She even mentioned that her primary care doctor told her to get some therapy, but in her eyes, "she didn't need therapy". I was the one who went to therapy. After a couple of weeks of therapy, my therapist suggested I read the book
"Stop Walking on Egg Shells", I found the address to this website in the book, and well, here I am.
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