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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Breaking apart after 14 years. Need help.  (Read 557 times)
e-Craig

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: June 20, 2016, 03:22:39 PM »

This board has been a godsend in the last couple of days. I've been reading mostly, and so many things in the posts here could have been written by me word for word.

In the course of one day my ex will tell me I'm an amazing man and father, I'm great looking, she loves me, says she's afraid she'll never find someone as intelligent as I am to talk with, and regularly tells me I'm the best sex she's ever had. She'll also tell me she only loved me for three months, has never been in love with me since, and it would take a miracle to ever be in love with me again.

I used to take this very personally. And today it still hurts. But the more I learn the less personal it becomes. She's sick. It isn't about me very much at all. Why I stayed is about me. Her twisted understanding of love and relationships isn't about me at all.

We have two children, so no contact isn't possible, and there are some practical matters to settle before I would be able to really minimize contact. I found a list of things on this site that I copied--it was about the goals of non-contact. I'm trying to follow these principles, but it isn't easy.

~   get the partner out of your day-to- day life

~   stop thinking in terms of a relationship

~   take them out of your vision of the future

~   stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing

~   stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

She started DBT treatment for the first time in her life three weeks ago. She has admitted she is a high-functioning BPD for the first time in her life a couple of weeks ago. It is hard not to fantasize about her getting better and our family reuniting. But that's a fantasy, not a strategy for living.

Last night she texted that she was sorry for all the hurt she caused, and she wished she had gotten help sooner. That set off some texting wherein I apologized for things I regret. It is so difficult not to be friendly with her. We do know each other so well and I have compassion for her. Neither of us wants to be together right now, but I admit I have a hard time thinking of living without her forever and she has said she "wants to get to the other side and still know me" and other typically boundary blurring stuff.

This is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and I've never had any pain that has persisted like this. I don't know where the pain of losing her stops and pain of losing my family begins, to be honest. My children (two of them) are with me right now, and there's no legal divorce yet. I have received tremendous support from her mother and sister. They understand that the family broke apart because of my ex's mental illness, and that it has deeply affected me.

Anyway, thanks for all that you people share on the boards. Reading has helped me tremendously. I'll probably be posting frequently. I am so glad to have found a place where people understand.
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Lucky Jim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2016, 04:54:57 PM »

Hey e-craig, Welcome!  So are you and your Ex currently separated?  Are you married?  Presumably so, since you mention divorce.  I'm sorry to learn what you are going through.  Many of us have been down this path, so you are not alone, believe me.  Do you have any particular questions for us?  How are your kids doing?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2016, 05:06:28 AM »

Hi e-Craig,

Welcome

Fourteen years is a long time—I am very sorry that your marriage is breaking up. That is really, really hard. I admire your self-awareness; the way you express yourself in this post shows me that you are open to learning and changing. That is huge and will speed your recovery from this terrible blow. 

I can relate very much to your feelings of sorrow and compassion for your wife. BPD is a serious disorder, and wreaks havoc on both the pwBPD and their loved ones. I feel the same way about my relationship that ended several years ago. It sounds like you both are willing to work on your issues, which is great. And because of that, your hope that in the future things can be different/better is really understandable.

I think your goals to minimize contact and focus on yourself are good ones, especially since you've both decided that you don't want to be in a relationship with each other, at least right now. Getting the focus on you and your kids is the best route to take, even though you are naturally interested in how your wife is living and making progress in therapy. There is nothing wrong with friendly contact with an ex; it's just that in the beginning, when we are grieving the loss, we are vulnerable and may not make the best decisions for our future.

Have you seen this resource about the stages of grieving, e-Craig? I find it helpful to check in and see where I am in the process, especially since it's not necessarily linear:

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

Are you still living with your wife at the moment? How old are your children?

Keep sharing your story, e-Craig. We care, and are here to help.

heartandwhole
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When the pain of love increases your joy, roses and lilies fill the garden of your soul.
seenr
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« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2016, 05:34:40 AM »

14 years is a long time, but you seem to know a lot about the situation you are in.

Even the points you mention about no contact etc, very aware.

As someone who is co-parenting with an ex who I suspect has BPD I find it very tough so understand how your situation must make you feel. After 8 years with her, still seeing her 2-3 times a week, I just want it all to go back to how it was.

But I don't think it ever can, ever.

I feel your pain.
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e-Craig

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 13


« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2016, 11:06:50 AM »

Thank you for all the replies.

We are still legally married. She is living with her sister.

Her family is very supportive of me. She idealized family life as well and has kinda checked out on the children, though her explicit desire is to reconnect with them, she doesn't spend a ton of time with them, and the oldest (I have a 9yo boy and 6yo girl) will not stay the night with her. Right now my mother in law is in town to help with the children, and my sister in law has been the secondary caregiver for years (with me as primary caregiver) as my wife deteriorated and my relationship with her got worse and worse. My exBPD's mother and sister understand she has BPD--I don't think her mother really understands how little her daughter is in control of herself, her sister does understand but she's still in the anger and contempt phase. In the most charitable reading, it is logistically hard for her to see the children without seeing me a little more, and I think she's pretty overwhelmed by feeling like she's screwed up her relationship with the kids and can't face the pain. Still, no matter the reasons, it kinda makes me a mostly single dad with very little money who now feels he can only depend on one income.

I am going to therapy weekly. When my ex and I met, I was an active addict and have abused opiates occasionally and marijuana extensively. I'm going to AA/NA meetings for that, because I the isolation of addiction and the low self esteem because of underachieving because I couldn't shake addiction at the time played a large role in me being vulnerable to a BPD relationship. I haven't had any active addiction problems for over two and half years. But the meetings help, and they'll let you talk about anything remotely related to addiction. Sharing my story in person has been great, and it's free. The people in the meetings have been tremendously supportive.

It was going to those meeting that reminded me that seeking out people who really understand your specific struggle is so important, and that's what led me here.

I feel somewhat like I'm getting to the point that I feel like an observer of the past relationship. Like I can watch it from seats in the audience rather than being on the stage in the play. The last two days have been qualitatively different, as if I've turned a corner.

If I have questions, they are probably these:

1) We have to see each other because of the children, and we still exchange some texts. We find it hard not to do a little bit of processing now that we both have some distance from the relationship and understand we can't be in it. This seems fraught with danger, but I'm finding it very hard to find the right balance between heartfelt exchanges and a kind of fake distance. Any tips?

2) I can't have sex with her, right? OK, I know the answer to this, but after I stopped feeling so incredibly vulnerable to her, my sexual attraction to her returned. The only answer to this is I guess never be alone with her. In typical BPD fashion, she says she would never initiate, but the other day we were having a tense conversation and she opened her mouth and let her tongue hang out of her mouth, then suggestively ran her finger down her tongue. I did not keep my distance, though I limited it to pinning her against a workbench and feeling her up a little. I don't need to know what the wise thing to do here is, but if anyone has words that might help I'd take them. The best I can come up with on my own is that every little hit like this revisits a bad dynamic, and there's no sexual activity without some emotional activity.

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e-Craig

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 13


« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2016, 11:20:56 AM »

Have you seen this resource about the stages of grieving, e-Craig? I find it helpful to check in and see where I am in the process, especially since it's not necessarily linear:

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

Sorry, forgot to answer this.

Denial: Way past this.

Anger: I've moved past day-to-day anger. If I have some kind of bad interactions with my ex I can go back to that stage.

Bargaining--nah, I'm totally done with that

Depression--hasn't hit for the last couple of days, so I don't want to say I'm out of the woods yet, but it seems to have lifted significantly.

Acceptance--I think I just entered this neighborhood, but I'm not a permanent resident yet.
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2016, 12:35:02 PM »

Hello again, e-Craig,

Be careful about the sex part, because those suffering from BPD will use it as as means to manipulate.  It's an easy transition from sex to a guilt trip or a claim of obligation, i.e., that you "owe" her, so suggest you tread carefully here.  Abstinence really is the best policy, in my view.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
joeramabeme
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: In process of divorcing
Posts: 995



« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2016, 07:31:33 PM »

Hi e-Craig,

This is a moving post and very challenging for sure.  How are your children in all of this?

The detachment from a BPD styled r/s is a long process with lots of ups and downs.  Are you taking care of yourself?  To your question about what to do around her and with her; Are you familiar with some of the communication techniques for those with BPD?  Below are some links that can help with daily interactions.

Are you taking care of your 12-step work?

JRB

JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

SET - Support, Empathy, Truth

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yle

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2016, 08:41:45 PM »

Craig ... .Ur post is heartbreaking .,. I'm going through similar now just likely a lot more drama ... .Ending 14 marriage and 5 kids ages 2-12 ... .She is texting me just the same as and i had 4 weeks of chaos ... .

I luckily have an incredible supportive family and friend base and I was told I needed to set Real Bounderies ... .Which means ZERO texting ... .I blocked her and yes it also made it harder for us to arrange kids issues ... : but I got a person to be in middle and forced every conversation to go through them .:: that lasted for a week ... .In meantime I interviews 3-4 of the best lawyers money can buy (not that I have too much ) but this is my life and my kids lives and I will do whatever it takes to give them a shot at a normal life ... .Now she still comes by to get clothes (no separation agreement yet and it's going very slow ) but even when she tries to be friendly (she asked if she could wish me a happy bday and I said No)  whenever she asks me something I say "I'm sorry but u need to speak to ur lawyer" and just repeat like a broken record ... .I thought niaveely that we could settle something easily .,. (Be both "love the kids" not a chance every day I realize the drama is gonna go on for a long time ... .

Good luck and hang in there ... : don't allow urself to get sucked in .:: go no contact for 30 days and I promise u will start coming out of the fog ... U won't miss the sex and u will feel disgusted when u think of her no matter how attractive she is :...
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HurtinNW
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« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2016, 10:22:51 PM »

Hello e-Craig,

Let me join the others in saying Welcome to the Family! 

This is a wonderful place to get support, resources and help. When you are ready, there are tons of helpful articles and lessons here. I like to go back to them now and then, to remind myself. And of course post as often as you want for support.

You sound very clear-headed about what has to be a horribly painful situation. I am so sorry. 14 years is a long time, and two children... .I commend you for taking the high road here and doing the best you can for the kids and yourself.

About the sex... .you probably guessed it, but not a good idea. Sex sets off all sorts of chemical and hormonal reactions, including releasing the same hormones that addicts experience. Sex with a person with BPD/NPD can be profoundly addictive, as I am sure you know by now. It can be a way we stay enmeshed with someone who is hurtful to us. I'm speaking from experience. I recycled several times after being seduced or seducing my ex. Sex was amazing and it felt like one place we genuinely connected. But it ended up being a gateway back into hell.

And yes, she is probably wearing seductive clothing, or items to trigger you/guilt you. Perhaps consider making a plan of action of how you interact. Reduce it to as little as possible, business-like, in public places if possible, and keep the messaging to very simple necessary communications.

She is probably going to escalate with however she responds to perceived abandonment. Be aware this is what she is doing. Try to keep in mind it is her actions that matter, not her words. You already know from her actions that she is mentally ill. If she gets better it will be on her own time, in her own way, and her actions down the road will show you that. Not sexy track suits and sexy tongue moves 

Sending you big hugs   
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