Penelope,
I know that all of this seems to be so overwhelming & it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel so early in your journey. As a "recovering codependent" myself & like most of us in the group, I completely understand where you're coming from when you said, "My relationship was all about him" As codependents we find our sense of self through others in all life aspects. This is only part of the reason why a really good therapist is needed to help you sort through your feelings, thoughts, emotions, guilt, remorse, loss. To help you work through things that will give you your own sense of self and that can be a very daunting task if giving the reasons most of us are in the group.
BUT, even though it can be a daunting task, it's NOT an impossible task as some of us in the group will testify too.
You said, "1) I hold on to the idea of what this relationship could have been, not was it really was and 2) I feel so hurt that sometimes I want to go back to try and fix things so that I prove to myself that he didn't mean to hurt me." This is classic NON aka Codependent behavior, the "perfectionist", "if I fix it things will be perfect & they have no reason to be upset, angry or rage & will love me". It's classic Sheriff with the Shining badge syndrome riding in on your white horse to save the day or in this case the r/s in order to live a better, quite, peaceful, loving, caring r/s. I can say this because as a "recovering codependent" I was all those things & more. It took a lot of work to learn to let things go that were beyond my control & learn to live MY life for MYSELF! I am responsible for MY happiness & NO ONE else's. For a NON this is so very hard to come to grip with. For me I had to go back to my childhood & learn why my inner child learned to become a perfectionist, the Sheriff wearing the shining badge, the Knight in Amor protecting others. I truly believe until a NON/codependent goes back & explores their entire life and ask the tough questions why they are a NON & how did I get here, then the journey will be a long uphill climb.
Once you learn to love yourself & all the things YOU have to offer the world, then you'll never have to worry about, "fears of never finding true, mutual and respectful love" From your writings I can tell you are an AMAZING person who loves & cares deeply for others. Turn some of that towards yourself and learn to live your life for yourself. When you're living your life & having fun, laughing, enjoying the small things, then someone will take notice and want to be a part of that. THAT is the person who will become an equal loving, caring person in your life. Two separate happy people with their OWN lives but wanting to share them with someone else. It's ok to share yourself, your life with someone else, but don't lose yourself in the process. Remember that person will fall in love with the person you are, your independence, your laughter, your thoughts, ideas and feelings of expression. Never lose yourself in the pursuit of someone, they should compliment you & their life as you do with them.
It's going to get better, baby steps forward, stumble, fall, pick yourself back up again, hold out a hand to the group if you need too but your journey of self discovery is yours and yours alone. We can't tell you what path to take, but we'll be here to support you along the way. As long as you have the group, you'll never be alone.
J
Your messages give me hope JQ. I know I made a lot of progress in the last few months and I even had some glimpses of hope for a better future. But sometimes I fall and when I fall I panick. I did the work of exploring why I am the kind of person who wants to fix things for everybody and tend to put my own needs aside. I started doing it long before I met him. But knowing these didn't stop me from allowing it to happen. I was already too "in love" and too much in the FOG when he started to seriously show his true personality.
I hope I manage to pick up my self again soon. Thank you
