What to even say

[Mr Orange]

Today my 7 year old niece said to me, "Uncle [my name], are you ever going to see [insert wife's name] again?

I didn't even know how to answer her. We've been separated 4 months now. I have no idea how my sister has addressed my wife's absence over the past several months to her kids, especially the eldest. I know they were really fond of my wife. But I didn't even know what to say other than, "I'm honestly not really sure". It's moments like this that really sting, even if you've been doing mostly okay. The thing I looked forward to most when I was engaged was having my special someone be part of my family, and for a brief time it was everything I dreamed; family and nieces all loved her. But that just became one more aspect of the relationship that quickly soured right after we tied the knot. She started finding excuses not to go to family functions and even created tension between my sister and her, in effect distancing me from my family. I don't know, it just sucks.

[atomic popsicles]

No real answer, just hugs your way.

[Turkish]

Your response is truthful and age-appropriate.

Validation works on anybody, so if she says, "I really liked her and miss her," practice your SET.

"I know you really liked her, sweetheart. You were used to having her around. Missing someone we like is tough. Right now, however, Wife and I have been separated, and it may remain that way." *hug*

[Leonis]

Kids don't need to know the details.

I also think what you said was appropriate. Just make sure you are not showing negative emotions when you answered your niece.

[Mutt]

Hi Mr Orange,

Was it hard to hear that? I'm guessing that the adults in the family may not say anything, you're sister didn't talk to your niece. What came to mind, reality setting in that she's not going to be part of the family? Did it trigger painful feelings of loss?

[Mr Orange]

Mutt,

Honestly, my nieces have only ever seen the "good" side of my wife. They don't know she has a penchant for frequently cruising around on a broomstick. So when my niece made that comment, it made me think back only to the good/fond memories I had with her and my family. That made me feel sad and regret that things will likely never be like that again because I feel we are most likely headed for divorce. And while the good memories are far far outweighed by the awful ones, I think it is much easier (at least for me) to focus on the good times when you've been away from the pwBPD and all the daily madness.

And also, yeah the realization or reminder that it is likely over between us. One of the things I struggle mostly with at the moment is the insecurity that I will end up alone for the rest of my life. That's not a strong enough fear to make me want to crawl back to the wife without seeing any change, to spare myself the unknown future of life on my own. But I think this is a real opportunity for personal growth. I see myself as a very introspective person, often to the point where it hinders me because it can turn into being overly self aware. But if there is one important lesson that I've learned it is that my personal insecurity, the feeling that a healthy well-adjusted woman would not want someone like me, is what possibly got me into this situation in the first place. If I were more secure in myself and valued my own self worth the way I should, I feel it would have been much more *likely* (not definitive by any means) that I would have seen the red flags for what they were and carefully stepped out of the snare. Speculation, of course.

[Mutt]

Hi Mr Orange,

I think many of us can relate with worrying about finding somebody else, I stayed in the marriage because I didn't want t be alone, if we step back, it's a period in our lives, things are not always going to be this way but it doesn't feel that way now.

Your nieces only saw the good side of your ex, maybe they were really fond of her she could be confused or your sister doesn't know what to say and looked to you for answer.

I've heard that many times on this board if I had only heeded the red flags, I've said that myself. Regardless of a personality disorder or not, we all put our best sides at the onset of a relationship. I felt hyper vigilant and didn't want anybody close to me because of red flags and the pain that my ex put me through. I can also give people a second chance with my boundaries knowing that they will protect and not everyone will treat me like my ex wife did.

I'm happy to hear that you're taking this as an opportunity for self reflection and self growth, there are a lot of things that we cab learn about ourselves  and others from these experiences.

[hope2727]

My little niece said something similar about my ex husband years ago. I responded with "I miss him too." We talked about all the things we liked and loved about him. Then I told her how much it hurt me that he was gone and wouldn't be back and that I would prefer not to talk about him again unless she really needed to. I explained that it just hurt me to much. She was little but seemed to understand.

About a month ago this same niece, now 19 years old, came to visit. We talked about my exBPDfiancee briefly. She loved him while he was a part of our family. I admitted to  her how much I missed him. She was adamant that I never, ever take him back. The reason? "Its the principle aunty!" So there from the mouths of babes... .its the principle. This is a wise young woman. She told me it was ok to miss him and we shared some of the things we liked and loved about him but then she reiterated how important it was that I never take him back. That I deserved better then the way I was treated. She is right. She learned all this somehow by 19 while I am learning it in my 40s. Amazing.

So never under estimate the ability of children to understand. She was maybe 7 in the first situation. Now at 19 she is so strong she scares me. I always tried to set good an example for her. Now she is setting one for me.

So I am sorry you are facing this situation. Just be honest and age appropriate. You will get through this.