18 months in hell

[kildevand]

I'm sure you all know the story. I thought I had found the one. The first 6 months were heavenly bliss. I'd never had anyone shower me with so much attention and love. There were, of course, a few red flags that I only realised was there later on.


Then we moved in together. He startet to get annoyed. He withdrew from me. Suddenly he did not want to marry me anymore. Then the verbal abuse started. By this point, I had moved away from my friends and family to start a new life with him, and I was stuck. He knew this. To make a long story short; I am a victim (survivor?) of physical assaults, taunts, death threats, blackmailing (he made a fake profile of me on a site for escorts and used this profile against me), public humiliation, accusations of cheating and so on. We had a roommate who witnessed many of his rages and did nothing. The police were called multiple times, and nothing happened. I was essentially told that this was between my boyfriend and I and they couldn't do anything, "so maybe you should just move out? This clearly isn't working for you guys."
I cried. I showed them the bruises covering my body. I asked them if they would finally do something when he killed me. They left.
I started putting up boundaries and would leave when he started one of his rages, for my own safety. I'd come home three hours later to find him drunk and crying, thinking I had run off with another man.


I don't love him anymore. The person I loved never existed. I don't even like him.


But we still have an apartment with a month left on the lease. I've moved to a new place but am still on the lease on the old place. He panicked when he realised that I really was going to leave him, even after he asked me multiple times when I was going to move and telling me he wanted me gone. I took an offer for an apartment after a particular bad rage where he tried to literally kick me out of bed, spat on me, tried to exile me to the living room, and tried to keep me awake by clapping, making loud noises and calling me various names. He ended up biting my hand so hard that it bled and started swelling up, so I ended up in the emergency room at four in the morning. I told him in no uncertain terms that this was the last time he would ever lay a hand on me. I broke up with him.



I'm happy in my new place. I've been going to a wonderful therapist for the last 6 months and she has helped me so much. I'm still not ready to let someone new into my life, but I am making friends and feeling a little better each day.
However, since I'm still on the lease, I can't just cut all contact. I can't afford to break it and it's only a month left. I keep telling myself it's only a month, I am strong and I can do this --- but he calls me everyday. It's a barrage of calls of "I'm bored", "I miss you", "come by, we can watch a movie!"


Last night he called me after I had fallen asleep. I groggily answered the phone thinking it might have been my mother, and I could tell that he was outside by the sounds in the background. Nope. Just another "hey, wanna watch a movie? I'm bored!"
And I, a grown woman, ended up hiding under my covers. I was scared that he had found my new place, and was coming over. I didn't fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. I don't want this. I don't want him. I just want to heal in peace.



Thank you for reading. Please, can anyone give me courage? I'm ignoring most of his calls and texts, only replying when it has something to do with the apartment. But he won't leave. I know he has/still is stalking other of his ex-partners, and I know I'll be next.

[Leonis]

Hang in there kildevand

Continue to stay away from him until all loose ends on the lease are finished. If he continues to harass you, consider legal action. You don't deserve to be in an abusive relationship where the person physically harms you, and literally tries to shower you with "niceness" to win you back.

You don't need any of it.

[heartandwhole]

Hi kildevand,



I'm very sorry about your breakup, but it does sound like the best thing, given what you've been through. You've had some harrowing experiences, and I am glad that you have moved out and are seeing a therapist. Well done for taking care of yourself, and having the courage to leave an abusive situation. That takes strength! You've come to the right place for support, and our members have much to offer in the way of encouragement and advice from their similar experiences.

It's difficult to detach, especially when responsibilities keep us connected. The phone calls from your ex are a distraction and potential drag on your detachment, in my opinion. I understand that for the next month, you need to be contactable, but could you have the landlord contact you directly about any outstanding issues?  Also, I would suggest limiting your communication with your ex to emails only. If he needs to contact you (only about the apartment), then he can write an email and you can assure him that you will promptly read it and respond if necessary. What do you think?

By limiting contact, you will have some space to recover from this loss. At any rate, I'm very glad that you decided to post. You will find lots of tools on this site to help you through, in addition to the members' experiences.

Welcome again, and keep writing, kildevand. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[ICantFixHer]

Hi Kildevand,

You may not realize it but you've already taken the hardest and most difficult step, which is leaving your immature and emotionally wrecked BPD ex.

Your former "relationship" ("interaction" is a more accurate word) sounds like mine -- a catastrophe from start to finish with brief moments of hope. I spent 10 years sitting there like an idiot hoping.

Now my hope is never seeing the skunk again. I loathe her but I don't go carrying it around as part of my personality. That heavy feeling in my chest is gone since the magnitude of her skunky deception set in a week or so ago. Inside, I am happy knowing I detest her deplorable worthlessness and that she taught -- well, forced down my throat, actually -- me some heavy life lessons.

I want to be loved as much as the next person but seriously, at what cost? The BPD causes all the weird confusion but US, the non-BPD partners, are the cause of the breakdown. We stand there and take it and it only gets worse.

You, like a translucent rainbow, are stronger than most. You got out. Give yourself a special treat some time today in honor of your wisdom and strength.

As for the apartment, it'll all work out. You have a month left and then you will have no reason whatsoever to ever speak to your deplorable ex again. Keep your cool until then, knowing if you respond in anger, your ex will have the upper hand.

None of us want our exes to have the upper hand anymore.

My feeling is you're going to make it to the other side just fine IF you keep your ex at bay and maintain "no contact" until the lease is dealt with.

I am offering you a genuine hug, not a fake "this is our rosy future!" hug. I support you and I know you are gonna move on and some lucky person will see the love in your heart and the light in your eyes.

Do not believe your ex when his good side appears as if by magic and he starts in with the lies about how much you mean to him. If you meant anything at all to him, he wouldn't treat you like an animal.

[gotbushels]

I took an offer for an apartment after a particular bad rage where he tried to literally kick me out of bed, spat on me, tried to exile me to the living room, and tried to keep me awake by clapping, making loud noises and calling me various names. He ended up biting my hand so hard that it bled and started swelling up, so I ended up in the emergency room at four in the morning.

This is beyond horrific.

I relate.

Take courage, and have hope. It will get better, much better. Freedom from physical violence. No oppression from a potentially criminal abuser. Long weekends sleeping in.



Please consider reading the domestic violence support information and prepare beforehand.

In my area, domestic violence is taken very seriously and no evidence is required for some types of police action. What he did to you is very, very serious. Please consider how serious it is.

I'd consider a person striking another person or spitting on that person to be at an extremely problematic level and you would do well to prepare for situations in advance, despite having separated. Even if nothing happens, it will give you peace of mind because you know what to do.

Now, as you are on your own leased apartment, the police may treat your case differently. If they appear to be unwilling to serve the law in your area, consider finding different police offices or specific police officers.

Consider a consultation with a lawyer to see what options you have.

Consider working with your therapist to create a plan to respond to (1) violence or (2) him showing up. Ask your therapist for advice given the seeming unsatisfactory response from the police officers.

[kildevand]

Thank you for the replies



Today he has tried to call me three times, ultimately sending a text saying "you hate me", and I have replied that no, I do not, but that I need peace and quiet - although I am contactable regarding the apartment. He has now shifted to thinking that it must be because I have a manfriend over. Ugh.


Trying to stay strong and not let him get to me.

[gotbushels]

  How is your detachment progress kildevand? Have you seen any similarity with the work your therapist has done with you? 

[Hopeful83]

I have no pearls of wisdom to add but I just wanted to say I admire your strength for walking away - well done. That says a lot about your sense of self-worth. I stayed for almost three years, hoping things would change. And they only got worse.