Do you ever get false hope only to have it crash? Over and over?

[Indifferent28]

I am always posting here that my final step in moving on is accepting she isn't coming back,  and even if she did,  I couldn't forgive her.

But a big part of this is just resisting social media.
I have noticed a pattern that occurs almost every time. 

I say I am done.  This is it.  I see something on social media that eats me enough to say I am done,  for my own sanity.  I'm moving on.
I get feeling really good and like I am actually moving on. Happy that I haven't been viewing her social media a few days.

Well, admist a good mood,  I'll get cocky and nosey and check her stuff.  I can almost always tell when her and the replacement are having troubles via social media. They'll stop liking each others things,  or my ex will posts photos with her animals or just by the quotes she likes.  It has been right the times they've been arguing or broken up.

Anyway,  I will get cocky and check and it looks like she is sad, or that they haven't been hanging out.since I'm in a good mood,  I will somehow allow this to give me false hope.   That they're failing and that she will realize she loves me .
This lasts briefly.  Because then later on the next day or so,  I will check her social media again and see they're hanging out,  posting to each other,  etc. Then I crash again.

This happened today.  She seemed very sad and down on social media and I felt like I was making progress the last few days.  I checked today and they had photos together,  she updated her featured photos on Facebook to include a photo of the replacement and replacements kid,  etc.

This happens every single time.  Without fail.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Indifferent28,

I remember when hope died for me, and it was the day that set me free. Yes, it hurt like he!, but at least I knew what I had to do.

Similar to what you are saying in your post, hope died for me when I recognized the pattern of instability that had us building a (fantasy) life together as a couple one minute, then in the next, everything crashing down because I was now a reflection of his abusers in childhood. And everything in between (friends, lovers, parent-child, etc.).

So, you see the pattern in what you are experiencing. I predict that as long as you continue to focus on her and her partner, you will keep hurting.   Same action, same result.

I totally understand your feeling better and more stable, then thinking that you can take a peek at her social media, or maybe even reach out to her. I felt that way too, and in fact, that's what got me into a recycle after a time out, which, of course, ended more painfully than the original brief separation. That's why I recommend not reaching out or focusing again on the ex at the first sign of feeling better. No, wait longer. Wait until you literally forget about checking her social media because you are focused on things and people that make you feel good about yourself and your life.

When you don't want anything from her anymore, then you can do whatever you like and it won't hurt. 

heartandwhole

[Indifferent28]

Thank you for your reply heartandwhole.

How long did your hope ultimately last for before you let it go?

I always think there will be a breaking point between them. They've been together 9 months.
but then i think, so what if there is? so what if they break up, and she comes back? She left me. She replaced me with multiple people over the last year. She doesn't check on me, or wonder what I am up to. It's like I never existed, so why the hell would I want a heartless person like that back? It sucks because she had the biggest heart of anyone I ever met when we were together. Now i consider her like a disease now that we aren't with how cold she has turned.

I definitely will take your advice and not reach out. I've done that a few months after we broke up, before she was in a relationship. It left me with really empty replies from her, "friendly" replies, or no replies at all. Never romantic or even flirty. Just nothing I wanted.

I know I've gotta live my life. I come here all the time saying that, then end up checking her crap.

I feel like a part of me will ALWAYS want her, so I know that I must just learn to do my best to "forget her"

[heartandwhole]

How long did your hope ultimately last for before you let it go?

Our relationship lasted about 1.5 years, so I'd say I waffled in that time from thinking we could at least be long distance friends, to believing (again!) that we were going to build a life together.

but then i think, so what if there is? so what if they break up, and she comes back? She left me. She replaced me with multiple people over the last year. She doesn't check on me, or wonder what I am up to. It's like I never existed, so why the hell would I want a heartless person like that back?

These are really good questions, Indifferent. Focus on your values—who you are and what you stand for in life—and take steps to live by them. That may not include someone who cuts you off like that (and also, you could examine the ways you "don't exist" to yourself when you are overly focused on her).

I know I've gotta live my life. I come here all the time saying that, then end up checking her crap.

It's so understandable and human. Be gentle with yourself. Habits and coping strategies take time and effort to transform. It's not comfortable, it can take longer than we expect, and it certainly can not happen in the way we think. Awareness is a huge step forward, though, so you've already won half the battle.  

I feel like a part of me will ALWAYS want her

Maybe, but I'd bet money that you will feel differently in time. It is amazing how feelings can change during this process. After my breakup, I felt like I was an emotional wreck and felt deeply apathetic about life (depressed). Today I feel joy and gratitude again, my life has changed for the better, and I feel optimistic about the future, even as I enjoy the present.

Things really do get better, Indifferent. Keep working on your detachment. Focus on your wellbeing with big doses of compassion. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[hope2727]

I am sorry you are enduring this. I totally understand. I had a weak moment today and peeked. Barf. Not healthy for me at all. Now I am all upset again. So I really do understand how you are feeling.

All I can tell you is that you are worthy and deserving of a healthy happy relationship. I do too. I don't believe that we can have it with them. No matter if their other relationship ends or not I think it is impossible to sustain a healthy relationship with someone who displays disordered thinking.

So one breathe in one breathe out and keep going. Its the only advice I have. Hugs