Is this how the end goes?

[purekalm]

Hi everybody,

I recently posted about the end of my marriage and (lack of) relationship. The crazy thing is, if I didn't decide that I was done with him treating me the way he does, he would still string me along. Just yesterday he asked me to sit at the table and eat dinner with him and I'm like, uh... .ok. Then he proceeded to leave as soon as he finished. He was in a good mood because he's finally getting work and will be able to leave next month. I told him that wasn't fair of him to do and to stop screwing with me. We can get along for my son's sake, but don't act like you want to be around me. Not too long before that my mom mentioned that she doesn't really believe that he's leaving and considering our marriage when I said it's over she was like "You never know". Yes, actually, I do know.

Usually, this kind of thing together would send me in a tailspin and make me question whether I was making the right decision and all the what-if's would come roaring back to the surface. This time however, I was filled with so much sadness that I cried. I told him (because he was being a jerk to me) that all I ever wanted from him was to love me and our son, do what he was supposed to do. That's when I cracked in the middle and cried some. He immediately calmed down and said quietly, "I know". That was that.

I know he knows he did wrong, but he can't accept forgiveness, that I forgive him even though I don't want to be with him anymore.

The sadness dumbfounded me, as I had been in a pretty light mood ever since deciding for real that I'm done with the whole push/pull and everything. I cried for a little while, quietly, until I got distracted by something for my son and my brother talking to me. I just let the tears come, and felt the deep, deep sadness. Even now, I'm crying silently while writing this. Is this a part of grieving the end? Of finally letting go like I was never able to do before? That's what it feels like. A finality. It's hard to explain, but even though the tears come and the sadness (for lack of a better word) I feel a peace with it. Almost like the tears are the last thing to go. I don't know, I feel better, last night I felt real heavy while I was trying to figure it out.

Thank you for listening, and all of your support.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Moselle]

Purekalm,

I remember very well the moment I decided (finally decided it was over), I can't say I was calm and peaceful, but I knew I was done forever and I was committed.

I think its different for everyone and you only know in hindsight if you are really done.

Its such a heartrending thing. I'm sorry you have to go through it. My heart goes out to you. It will get better!

[heartandwhole]

Hi purekalm,

I can relate very much to your description of grieving. I have also had the experience of a deep peace in the midst of sadness. I think it happens when we stop resisting and touch a deeper part of ourselves.

I think you are right on: it's a letting go, a finality, a release... .from the tension of fighting the truth, maybe?

At any rate, I send you hugs and best wishes for this next chapter in your journey. It's a long, hard road, but so very worth the trip. 

heartandwhole

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this a part of grieving the end? Of finally letting go like I was never able to do before?

Yup.  And that letting go is you detaching purekalm, letting go of the possibility of it working, and letting go of something you once considered massively important, and were deeply emotionally enmeshed in.  And noticeable detachment progress is something to celebrate, so there's that.

And letting go of something like that is sad, and crying is what pain leaving feels like.

Take care of you!