Need support and detachment techniques

[Finallyover]

I have recently and finally left my BPD husband after years of sheer hell. I carefully planned my exit for me and my children knowing his reaction was going to be an onslaught of harassment, anger, destruction, begging, empty promises. And it was for last few weeks. He destroyed my heirloom dining set my parents gave, had a woman frequenting the home after I left, and drank and smoked inside my home incessantly. All the while texting, calling and trying to manipulate me over his phone. I had to get a no contact order and a restraining order in place last week, which he agreed to in family court, only to breach the order less than 24 hours later.
He is now detained in a holding cell for the weekend, was denied bail as his mother is a bipolar alcohol and did not meet the judges requirement for a surety.
And I am sitting here feeling badly for him!  I am feeling fear of his anger because of course even though he breached court order, he is thinking it is my fault he is in jail. How do I free myself of these emotions of attachment and guilt?

[Reforming]

Hi Finallyover

Welcome to BPD Family.

I'm glad you found us though I'm sorry that things are so tough right now.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now and you're being  remarkably resilient. The fact that a court granted a no contact and restraining order is pretty solid evidence that you have made a sound choice. But i appreciate that this doesn't necessarily make it any less painful for you.

Do you feel comfortable telling us a little more about your circumstances? It would help us give you better advice

Reforming  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi finallyover-

I too welcome you.  You've already taken significant steps to remove yourself and your children from the marriage, and good for you!

How do I free myself of these emotions of attachment and guilt?

By detaching.  Detachment is a project, the first step being removing his immediate influence from your life, whatever that looks like, and you've already done a chunk of that by leaving, and then, once you get some time and distance and your feet on the ground a little, you can start grieving the relationship, processing all of the emotions that will come up, detaching emotionally.  It is a project, the best kind, and after the "years of hell" you've been in, it may take a while, and that's the good news because coming out the other side will be amazing.

So if you could expand on the emotions of attachment and guilt you're feeling right now, we may be able to tell you something that will help, and we'll surely try.  Take care of you!

[Finallyover]

Thank you for your supportive words. As I read through all the incredible information on this site, I realize how controlled and abused I really was. And I don't recognize myself. I was lost and feel like I almost became him, as in adopted his thinking,  just to survive. Now that I'm out of his presence the abusive things he would say to me on a regular basis are playing in my head and frightening me especially now since he is presently in jail for breaching the no contact order he agreed to in family court. He would hold a grudge forever, bring past events up from years ago and remind me of all the details of the event and reacted as if they were happening in the present! Before I left him he told me a few days prior that he didnt even care about this marriage anymore and couldn't stand my face! But when I left all he did was cry, drink, self destruct, faked suicide attempts and sent me selfies of himself in hospital! Texts would flood into my phone all day. Even after he agreed to a no contact/restraining order. He would promise to get help and get back on meds if I would just give him his family back - a family that he would curse and rarely spend time with when we were together.

So I guess I am mad at myself as I sit here thinking about him in a jail cell, and actually feeling sorry for him! His mother could not bail him out as she was found to be an unsuitable surety. Other family members do not trust that they could control him out on bail. And he has no real friends - none that know his true self. And again, I still feel sorry for him! But more so, I fear him because his mind is telling him that 'my wife totally betrayed me, my wife put me here, I'm going to take revenge on her'. Fear is overwhelming me because he will eventually get out. I have many supports from the police. But has anyone else out there ever felt this after leaving?

[Reforming]

Hi there again,

I realise that there's probably a maelstrom of different feelings going through your mind right now. Being in a relationship with some one who is disordered can be very traumatic and painful. It's very normal and understandable for a partner to have conflicting feelings when they end a relationship.

As fromheeltoheel says detaching is a process which needs to be taken step by step.

Right now it sounds like you doing a lot of things very well. For the moment you have established a safe place for you and your family.

I can understand why you are worried about your husband's release. Have you discussed this with the police? As they have already arrested him they are clearly willing to enforce the no contact / restraining order. And if he breaks it again the penalties will be more severe…

I realise that this alone won't erase your concerns but it's an important step in the right direction.

There are other members here who have gone through similar experiences and come out the out the other side who offer you help and support.

I'm really glad that you found some of the information here useful. There is an amazing collection of really helpful resources on this site. It might be worth beginning with taking a look this section.

Healing the Big Pictures hhttps://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263

Are you happy to tell us a little bit more about your relationship and your partner?

You mentioned that he is BPD. Does he have a therapist or counsellor that you could contact?

Please keep posting

Reforming

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi finallyover-

But has anyone else out there ever felt this after leaving?

Reading your post reminded me of another member who's in a similar situation, and we've been working through that recently.  You might check it out, you'll notice similarities here

[Finallyover]

I am having s difficult time navigating this site? How do I get to posts and replies?
I am in desperate need of support as my BPD husband whom I've finally left gets out of jail Monday after breaking a no contact order.

[fromheeltoheal]

I am having s difficult time navigating this site? How do I get to posts and replies?

Not sure what you mean Finallyover, you got to this post and replies, what are you trying to find?

I am in desperate need of support as my BPD husband whom I've finally left gets out of jail Monday after breaking a no contact order.

What is your concern with him getting out of jail, do you think your physical safety will be threatened?

[Finallyover]

Yes, I fear retaliation from him, as he will believe I put him in jail and take no responsibility for his choices to breach a Supreme Court order. There is restraining order in place and I've have many police supports in his release conditions.
He has obsessive compulsive thinking patterns and gets fixated. This is what scares me the most about him.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Finallyover-

I sent you a personal message with a link to technical help navigating the site.

Here's a document that addresses personal safety: Safety First

It's good you have police support, and if you could tell us more about what's going on with you and your relationship with him, we can provide more input.  You mentioned you feel sorry for him as he sits in jail, and you also fear him because he gets it in his head that you betrayed him and he may try and get revenge.  Have your feelings changed since you posted that?

[Finallyover]

Thanks for reply. No my feelings have not changed. I knew leaving him was going to be devastating for him. His worst fear is abandonment. Even perceived abandonment sent him over the edge in the past.
He is my second (and likely last) husband. We share one child together - a beautiful 2.5 year old boy who lives with Down syndrome. I also have three older children from my first marriage who have known him and lived with him for over 12 years. We have all lived as if we are in a landmine fie last 5-7 years.  We lived 'the walking on eggshells' life. I am mad at myself that I stayed so long - ashamed actually. He has had many tantrums and rages with children around. But since our so. Was born his treatment of me has worsened. More verbal/psychological/emotional abuse. I thought a child would make him more loving - it was a surprise pregnancy but nonetheless a blessing. He's an awesome little boy.
I left him last Christmas because he verbally attacked my
Mother on Christmas Day - accusing her with ridiculous, unfounded irrational things that were the farthest from the truth.
All in front of dctwnded family - it was traumatic for everyone. Children. All of us. I told him to leave and that it was over. And the begging began and he wouldn't leave. A family member had to basically throw him out. This led to a suicide attempt, hospitalization and finally a diagnosis of Cluster b personality disorder - traits of all four. But in my experience, he displays borderline wirh narcassistoc traits.   He went into residential treatment for a month, went on meds, got therapy. He came home in March. Things were good for about six weeks. Then the alcohol began again, he slowly went of his meds and all behaviours came back in full force - actually worse.
Last three months were filled with verbal abuse, physical threats toward me, my mother and family members, Constant alcohol consumption, lying, leaving the house and not coming home, I believe he started seeing someone else.
I planned my exit. And left with children and our pets. Hired a lawyer and had him served. He destroyed my family heirloom dining room set, and had a woman over to the house the very weekend I left him ... .neighbours told me this. And she reappeared later. All the while he was incessantly calling, texting, leaving voicemails, trying to FaceTime. Got an order in place. He breached it within 14 hours. He's been in jail for 10 days - gets put Monday.
The first 3-5 years of our relationship was good. The last years were like I mentioned, sheer hell.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you went through all that Finallyover, but also grateful that you created the strength to do what you needed to do for yourself and your children.  Most of us here were in relationships with people who exhibited traits of the disorder but haven't been clinically diagnosed; it is helpful that your husband has been officially diagnosed, that can take a lot of the confusion surrounding his behaviors away, doesn't make the behaviors themselves any less intolerable and unacceptable, but eliminating the confusion is good.

Yes, abandonment is the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, and his behavior upon being what he considered abandonment is a borderline freaking out, very difficult to deal with.  What do you expect of him once he gets out, and do you have adequate support beyond the police?