Introducing myself to this group

[Maryanne067699]

Hi, I just joined this message board.  I am struggling right now, and I would like help.  A bit of history:  I grew up with a mother who has BPD among other things.  Several years ago, I cut off contact with her.  It was after years and years of dealing with her chaos and I realized that I couldn't help her, and I had to help myself and my own family (husband and three kids).  Now after several years, I am at about the same point with my sister.  I don't know if she has BPD officially, but I keep feeling the same way with her that I did with my mom--the same chaos, explosions when I try to assert myself, everything's about her, the venomous attacks, the lying, etc.  I guess the reason I'm here is guilt over considering cutting my sister off.  I was so hard for me to cut off contact with my mom.  Even though I think that cutting off from my mom has allowed me to finally have peace and to heal from dealing with her, I still hurt from doing it.  At the time, I thought that I had just done the hardest thing that I would have to do.  Now I'm looking at that whole scenario again, and my heart just hurts from thinking about this.  And I'm still kind of unstable from a recent blowup.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Maryanne067699:

I'm so sorry about the situation with your mom, and now your sister.  Can you share some more details about your recent blowup with your sister and perhaps some of the BPD traits she is exhibiting?

My father had some BPD traits.  He was frequently crabby and critical.  My sister has had her issues, but began to display classic BPD behaviors, when our parents health began to fail and they both passed within 6 months of each other.  My sister painted me black.  She would fly into rages.  My father never got physical or gave us any reason to believe he might (he kept his distance when he got angry).  My sister, however, would get right in my face (and left me with the feeling she might just hit me).  My sister would tell me I talk down to her, then she would complain that I talk to her in a manner that I would with someone I worked with (mentioning something too technical in an email - talking over her head).  It too me going to therapy to figure what was going on with my sister, and that led me to read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and that book led me here.

I'm currently NC with my sister, so I have an idea of what you are going through.  Since my parents passed, I've felt like an orphan.  Unfortunately, my parents put both my sister as co-trustees of their trust.  My sister had to go out and get her a lawyer, so it has been a very painful, expensive and arduous process to settle trust matters.  My parents are likely rolling over in their graves.

I'm looking forward to hearing some more details from you.  It is a tough decision to go NC.  It is a decision that can be reversed for some people. There are several links to the upper right of this post that can lead you to helpful information.

[Maryanne067699]

Thanks for the reply.  It's kind of all a jumble right now, with a lot of history.  But I will try to condense things down.  My sister has some big issues that she is dealing with.  Major depression, some delusional/body harming issues, basically bedridden, issues with prescription drugs.  She also lives over a thousand miles away from me.  I have been walking on eggshells on the phone/text with her for a long time now.  The main pattern of our arguments is she does something that bothers me or invades my boundaries.  I explain to her what bothered me.  She explodes and drags up all kinds of old history and basically lets me know what an awful person I am, and all she's ever done is try to gain my approval to no avail, I'm judgmental, I'm sad and unhappy.  The initial conversation ends badly.  Then I get emails or texts later furthering the venom.  Then she says that she's cutting off contact with me.  During this time, I'm going back and forth between my anger at her for nasty things she said about me, feeling guilty because it's so obvious that she has serious issues and I don't want to hurt her, reconstructing things to pinpoint where I went wrong and how I failed this conversation, wishing I had just never brought things up because I know that it's just pointless and makes things worse.  The original bother or boundary issue is still there and unresolved.  And eventually we get back to where we are talking to each other, but things don't get resolved and back to wholeness.  I know that I have a part in this, but I am not a bad person.  I just don't know to handle these situations.

The latest blowup was basically this.  Two years ago, she sent in a childhood picture of the two of us to a website that posts funny family photos.  She never told me about it.  I just found out about it last week when she announced it to her friends on Facebook and tagged me at the same time.  She said that the picture has just been posted and was up on the site, and that they were considering putting it in one of their calendars.  We talked about it, and I asked her to let me know beforehand  if she does something like that with my picture on it in the future.  Then a few days later, I get a text about it telling me that the story she sent into them for the caption was bogus, because she didn't think the original story was believable, and she made something up.  Then I saw on the website that the picture has been posted months ago.  And she signed a release without telling me.  And I found out about the whole thing on Facebook at the same time as her FB friends.  I just kept feeling worse and worse about the whole situation.  So in the course of a text conversation.  I told her those things and that they bothered me, and I asked her to be straight with me about it.  Asking her to be straight with me was the trigger for her.  It got ugly really fast.  I kept asking why she never told me about it.  I want to stress that the whole issue wasn't the picture, it was her handling of it and the lies.  I was calm, stuck to the issues at hand, and kept it in the realm of behaviors and not personal attacks.  It ended really badly, and she's taking a break from me right now. Now I'm in the post fight phase of blame and guilt.  I'm also mortified because she "vaguebooked" about it on Facebook. And I'm starting to realize that this is heading down the NC road like with my mom.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Maryanne067699: 

Has you sister had any therapy?

Unfortunately we can't change them, only the way we interact and react.  Social media seems to be a frequent source of conflict.

FOG   and the FOG DISCUSSION THREAD would be good for you to read and perhaps the communication technique, D.E.A.R.M.A.N, might be helpful.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

VALIDATION
 in another good technique to use.

I explain to her what bothered me.  She explodes and drags up all kinds of old history and basically lets me know what an awful person I am

I had this same problem with my sister.  Once she painted me black and she got angry, she would go through a list of things she says she doesn't like about me.  She was incapable of talking about  specific issues.  Several times, she would just hang up the phone in mid conversation. One time, I thought I was being strategic, by just trying to calmly lead a conversation away from what she choose to argue about, but she hang up on me.

And eventually we get back to where we are talking to each other, but things don't get resolved and back to wholeness. 

I had the same problem with my sister.  I went very LC with her at one point, after she went into a rage, rushed towards me, got really close to me and called me a "F"ing "B".  After a few weeks, she eventually apologized.  Unfortunately, my sister's general behavior didn't change.  I was still painted black and she made everything so difficult.

 

It ended really badly, and she's taking a break from me right now. Now I'm in the post fight phase of blame and guilt.  I'm also mortified because she "vaguebooked" about it on Facebook. And I'm starting to realize that this is heading down the NC road like with my mom.

Perhaps it is good to just go with a communications break and then ignore Facebook for awhile.  In the meantime, check out some of the lessons and communication skills on this website.  The skills aren't just for use with people with BPD, they are helpful in general life situations.

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE  is something I've used.  I can't stop my sister from bad mouthing me, so I've had to accept it.