Terrified - Why?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Wow.  uBPDw is in another state and we have agreed to seek a dissolution.  Peacefully and in a friendly manner.  I just received my wife's half of the paperwork.  I have to show her my half now.

She has used "I want out" as a manipulative tool for nearly 25 years.  Now she has been gone for over 2 years.  She communicates rarely and never really offers anything, but instead responds to my part of the conversation.  Nothing is ever very "deep" about our relationship.

I received my wife's part of the paperwork this morning by email, and the bottom dropped out of my stomach.  It is terrifying to consider the possibility reality of being alone... .

Does this get better?  Is this normal?

Thanks to everyone

[Dobzhansky]

Wow.  uBPDw is in another state and we have agreed to seek a dissolution.  Peacefully and in a friendly manner.  I just received my wife's half of the paperwork.  I have to show her my half now.

She has used "I want out" as a manipulative tool for nearly 25 years.  Now she has been gone for over 2 years.  She communicates rarely and never really offers anything, but instead responds to my part of the conversation.  Nothing is ever very "deep" about our relationship.

I received my wife's part of the paperwork this morning by email, and the bottom dropped out of my stomach.  It is terrifying to consider the possibility reality of being alone... .

Does this get better?  Is this normal?

Thanks to everyone

[earlgrey]

Hi Dobzhansky... .I get everything you say 

I'm in a very similar sort of place... .last week I had terrible lonely feelings and was thinking of going back (it was me who initiated proceedings, but that did not prevent the subsequent scary thoughts of being alone).

This week things are cool, going back was not a solution, separating is, even though it is tough.

You have been separate for 2 years, what actually changed today when you got the mail?

[Dobzhansky]

I'm not sure I can put a finger on it.  I have seen her web presence on social media, and see pictures of her posted by others... .and it sets things in motion.  Also, I re-live fond memories w my daughters or by myself and the warm fuzzy feelings come back.

The fear, I think, comes from how long and how purposeful i was in trying to preserve the harmony when she was here.  I was _good_ at being married (if I may say) and have had other people's jaws drop when I share my current situation with them.  It was such a big part of my identity.

I know I am a father as well, and I have been emphasizing that role for the two daughters I still have under my roof.  Its been great to really throw my full energy in to those relationships because they suffered greatly when I was in "keep the peace" mode.  I sacrificed all in favor of that role.  My youngest graduates from H. S. this year, so I guess I see the writing on the wall - I'm going to be a bachelor soon.  I have not been "single" since I was 19.  I'm 49 now.

PS - the thought of bringing another / different woman into my life is deeply off-putting at this point.  I cannot imagine when or how I would ever be open to the idea.

[Mutt]

Hi Dobzhansky,

It is terrifying to consider the possibility reality of being alone... .

Does this get better?  Is this normal?

I had a lot of mixed feelings when I got my divorce decree in the mail. It was final and I wasn't her H or responsible for her anymore but the marriage was officially over. I also felt sadness with how badly things ended, it was beyond anything that I had imagined. About a week or so after receiving the divorce decree, I felt immense peace and it felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I was finally free to do what I wanted and nit feel guilty about it. To answer your question, it does get better. Maybe you need more time behind you?

The path for healing is different for everyone and everyone for through it their own way. I notice that there's confusion with a couple of things that you mentioned. Maybe cognitive dissonance?

It is terrifying to consider the possibility reality of being alone... .

PS - the thought of bringing another / different woman into my life is deeply off-putting at this point.  I cannot imagine when or how I would ever be open to the idea.

One the hand the finality of one attachment is looming and maybe you're not ready to let it go? On the other hand anxiety with meeting someone that's new. I think that sounds right when you say that you're not sure when you're going to be open to the idea?

You might differently after the divorce is final and as I suggest earlier, when you have more time behind you. You can sort it out when you're ready, my advice is worry getting through your divorce and you'll have time to sort out want you want when you're ready.

My marriage ending was a sad chapter in my life but there was wealth with learning opportunities. I think of life like chapters in book, when one chapter ends another begins. Some chapters are long and you want anxious for it to end and maybe the next chapter will be better than the last one? That being said, you'll be free to choose whatever you wish to do. Isn't that exciting?

[valet]

Hey Dobzhansky, do you think its possible that being married is still a large part of your identity, even though you're not in that situation at the moment?

I know that I struggled with the idea of being outside of a partnership. It's why I didn't leave even though I knew that something had gone incredibly wrong. And not in the exact sense of it defining me. Being single was never the problem. But the pieces surrounding my relationship were big, and when it fractured I felt like my whole life was in jeopardy. Think about it for a second. It's not just about the relationship, but all of the baggage that comes with it. An intertwining of family, friends, work, interests, etc.

We don't just lose the partnership. We lose our entire relationship to the world, especially if the relationship was filled with unhealthy behaviors, as many dysfunctional relationship are. Even healthy relationships that end for valid reasons have this effect. It is only magnified in the latter.