PolandSpring,
My heart goes out to you. It's incredibly hard to process the pain and hurt of the break-up while our senses are still lit up with happy memories by smells, images, a sudden bursts of feelings. It will take time to process. Time -- hard to be patient when the pain is intense, but give yourself the time to work it through, and don't put pressure on yourself to hurry it up. As hard as that is.
I think I really wanted to be recycled... .I know that's not healthy, but I still hope it happens one day. I need to find a way to not feel that way I think.
The conflict between mind and heart is very painful. Be open to both your mind and heart -- listen to what your mind knows you need to become healthier, but also let yourself feel the pain and the loss that your heart is grieving. You have to grieve it to let it go. It's hard to be open to pain, but if you can learn to observe the pain -- does it have a size, shape, colour? what does it make you long for? what triggers it? etc -- you'll find strength in being able to face uncomfortable emotions and you'll find your way forward to a fuller, happier life.
