I haven't been posting for awhile ... I am trying so hard to get him out of my head! It's like it is impossible! I started writing my "book" so that I can get it on paper and not have it in my head all the time. It actually helps! I got kinda confused about some things and had to write a time line. I figured it would make a good Lifetime movie one day,
Looking at my story like this has really helped me figure out that I was in a very bad place in my head when I got involved with him and I understand now why I was so hooked by him! I will never do that again! I avoid the grocery store he worked for when we were married. Between all of the mistresses that work there and the memories of him, I just can't go there very often. I broke down and went in today, I convinced myself it was going to be fine... .I was actually excited to buy somethings they have that other stores don't. Sad that I am excited by food! I walk in the door, get my cart and immediately they are playing "our song"... .Unbelievable how cruel the "powers that be" can be! I almost started crying but stopped... .thought about food instead,
This is ridiculous... .I wish I could figure out when I was supposed to start my "getting over him" time frame too. In Jan. it could technically be two years that we formally separated. But since we spent time together again in July and August last year, then it could be a year... .but since we divorced in June, I would rather think of it then since that would only be 3 months. Maybe that is denial, but that was the real ending for me. Sounds like a BPD relationship ending for sure... .I think people all around me consider I have been away from him for 2 years and I should be doing better than I am. I try not to worry about what people think. I realize they just don't understand and it is going to take what it takes... .but does anyone else struggle with this? I keep reading people are still having a hard time 2 and 3 years out. I suppose this is normal for us... .I feel much better than I did in the beginning. Not missing "him" at all... .just missing my dream of being happily married and my house. I think that's the key. He was horrible. He will not change and I know it. I am not jealous of his new person at all, she can have him if she can stand it. I think she is actually able to be manipulated more than me! It bothers me that he has a baby with her and that he thinks that is what I couldn't give him and that will make him happy, but technically and realistically, I know that will not make any difference. I don't feel like dating at all. I am not depressed... .(I don't think). I am just trying to find myself and where I belong again. This is what I should have done a long time ago. I'm alone most of the time except for work and once a week with family. Every other week I have dinner with some new girlfriends I met at a divorce group and they are fun. Family has it's own issues for me as well... .my sister and I are trying to take care of our parents. Thank goodness I am not dealing with my ex and them... .I just wouldn't have been able to do it. It just feels so unfair to go from one problem to the next. Life is so hard... .I know we all have our problems. Life is what you make of it... .I guess we have to make it the best we can. Just feeling kind of blah tonight and needed to vent... .If anyone wants to vent- feel free. I am not sure I need any advice here, just wondering about how others are dealing with time dragging on and not feeling "over it"... .Thanks for being here... .and one more thing... .I seem to be clearing out the not so good friends in my life too. Not the Facebook friends - real friends,
So, I think I am having an extra hard time being alone. It's like I am starting my life over at 51... .I know I am not that old, but it's not as easy as it used to be. At least I know better and feel less insecure at this age. Live and learn.
