Triggers... Denial... Life is hard

[Herodias]

I haven't been posting for awhile ... I am trying so hard to get him out of my head! It's like it is impossible!  I started writing my "book" so that I can get it on paper and not have it in my head all the time. It actually helps! I got kinda confused about some things and had to write a time line. I figured it would make a good Lifetime movie one day,  Looking at my story like this has really helped me figure out that I was in a very bad place in my head when I got involved with him and I understand now why I was so hooked by him! I will never do that again!  I avoid the grocery store he worked for when we were married. Between all of the mistresses that work there and the memories of him, I just can't go there very often. I broke down and went in today, I convinced myself it was going to be fine... .I was actually excited to buy somethings they have that other stores don't. Sad that I am excited by food! I walk in the door, get my cart and immediately they are playing "our song"... .Unbelievable how cruel the "powers that be" can be! I almost started crying but stopped... .thought about food instead,  This is ridiculous... .I wish I could figure out when I was supposed to start my "getting over him" time frame too. In Jan. it could technically be two years that we formally separated. But since we spent time together again in July and August last year, then it could be a year... .but since we divorced in June, I would rather think of it then since that would only be 3 months. Maybe that is denial, but that was the real ending for me. Sounds like a BPD relationship ending for sure... .I think people all around me consider I have been away from him for 2 years and I should be doing better than I am.  I try not to worry about what people think. I realize they just don't understand and it is going to take what it takes... .but does anyone else struggle with this? I keep reading people are still having a hard time 2 and 3 years out. I suppose this is normal for us... .I feel much better than I did in the beginning. Not missing "him" at all... .just missing my dream of being happily married and my house. I think that's the key. He was horrible. He will not change and I know it. I am not jealous of his new person at all, she can have him if she can stand it. I think she is actually able to be manipulated more than me!  It bothers me that he has a baby with her and that he thinks that is what I couldn't give him and that will make him happy, but technically and realistically, I know that will not make any difference. I don't feel like dating at all. I am not depressed... .(I don't think). I am just trying to find myself and where I belong again. This is what I should have done a long time ago. I'm alone most of the time except for work and once a week with family.  Every other week I have dinner with some new girlfriends I met at a divorce group and they are fun. Family has it's own issues for me as well... .my sister and I are trying to take care of our parents. Thank goodness I am not dealing with my ex and them... .I just wouldn't have been able to do it. It just feels so unfair to go from one problem to the next. Life is so hard... .I know we all have our problems. Life is what you make of it... .I guess we have to make it the best we can. Just feeling kind of blah tonight and needed to vent... .If anyone wants to vent- feel free. I am not sure I need any advice here, just wondering about how others are dealing with time dragging on and not feeling "over it"... .Thanks for being here... .and one more thing... .I seem to be clearing out the not so good friends in my life too. Not the Facebook friends - real friends,   So, I think I am having an extra hard time being alone. It's like I am starting my life over at 51... .I know I am not that old, but it's not as easy as it used to be. At least I know better and feel less insecure at this age. Live and learn.

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I can relate with your post. I remember at about a year and a half I started to feel really good, I wasn't thinking about my ex and then I got news from her that she was pregnant and then I started feel bad again, it was a trigger. I had thought that the most difficult part was the detachment at the very beginning that some members describe as literally getting off drugs and alcohol but I think that the hardest part for me was the end, I had not anticipated how difficult it would be because I thought was behind me and it should be easier as time goes on?

Healing is different for everyone, everyone goes through it their way and there's no one size fits all. I was just tired of it at that point and yearning until the day that this chapter would be behind me. The good news was that I felt better after the whole experience than before i had met my ex because I knew which that I need to focus on for self work. It really was a life changing experience but I couldn't feel appreciation for it when I was anxious for that chapter to close.

Sometimes when we have a lot going on we can neglect ourselves and live survival mode going from one problem to the next one and we neglect to take care of ourselves and we become unhappier. We should take care of ourselves often, loved ones may take notice and take care if themselves too, when we're happier the people around us are happier as well and we don't tend to attract people with bad traits. That being said, what else do you like to do for self care?

[earlgrey]

Hi Herodias... .nice vent. I need to do it too every now and again. Mostly it goes into some word doc on my pc, but I find it helps putting thoughts into words.

Age is one of the things that goes through my mind too - I'm 59. I'm initiating the divorce - too much chaos for me - yet now I am faced with a great big blank sheet of paper and trying to start over; yes I know the feeling. We have a D7 too, so I'm a single dad all over again. So at least some stuff is familiar.

I get to thinking about the being alone part. Some days it is scary some days it is nothing. I am trying to work out what is difficult/wrong/frightening/disappointing in being alone, because I would seem to have a knee-jerk negative reaction to it (being alone). Yet when I start to look more closely it is difficult to actually pin point what is bad and frightening.

I'm working on it.

[C.Stein]

I think these relationships coming to an end and perhaps even the damage done is somewhat more poignant when you are heading down the other side of the hill.  In trying to understand why this particular relationship has done so much damage and is still impacting me on nearly every level over a year later I sometimes wonder if I were younger if this would have the same effect on me. 

[Herodias]

Good point C.Stein... .that would make sense. As a younger person you may still be affected, but you believe you still have allot of years to move on and make a new life having learned these lessons at a younger age. I am wondering now if getting out at an older age after making big choices in life, possibly by staying in the relationship for better or worse for longer than we should have or having or not having children with them, that it makes a greater impact on how we view the rest of our lives... .Maybe that is what life is all about any way, choices and paths... .but thinking you have the love of your life and then having no choice but to get away from them if kind of devastating the older you are. I saw something that said after leaving a bad relationship, whether male or female, it is harder to find another real "true love" when we have learned we can't trust people in the same way... .I keep hoping that the person will pop out of no where and it will be right. But there is no guarantee and it's possible we are supposed to end up alone. There are plenty of widows and widowers who have ended up alone too and that is a whole different reason. Allot of the women I know in their 60's and 70's just stick with their friends and stay busy... .no plans to get into another relationship. They have their kids and grand kids. I think this is what is upsetting me so much... .I am not much of a kid person, so it leaves me feeling alone. It kind of makes me sad and wish I was, but then again, I see how allot of kids are and it doesn't guarantee they will see them all the time. I guess it's all about where you live and how you were raised. I'm rambling again... .I just thought I had a person that would be with me through thick and thin as I was him... .we had good times too... .not as many as I would have liked.