Understanding traits of BPD

[Trip09]

Hi all,

Been a fair while since I posted on here. All in all, im doing quite well. Since my discard and having being immediately replaced around 14 months ago, I have learnt so much about myself and found a real peace with life. Although, like all of us here, I wish I never had to experience the realms of BPD! However, I can now appreciate the experience for what it has taught me and the growth it has enabled within me.

Anyway, im curious to seek the opinions of people on here, which will hopefully allow me to better understand parts of BPD.

So I live in a city which runs along the coast for many, many kilometres. I have lived right next to the beach my whole life and currently reside there (as in, the beach as at the end of my street). Every day I’ll go down for a run or walk along the stretch of beach near my place, about 2km long. Now my exBPD knows this is where I am, she knows this is where I grew up, she knows this is where all my family and friends are. Yet, almost on a routine schedule (every month or two), we’ll run into each other/she’ll be walking there (always alone). This then leads to the awkward walk past each other like we never knew one another... I get its anyone’s place to visit, but when she doesnt live close by, when she could drive literally a few minutes more and experience the beach away from where she knows I could potentially be, why does she keep coming back to the area she knows I am in? There is roughly 40kms of coast line along our city and she keeps coming to that 2km stretch i use daily! Its like me going around the streets where she lives and not expecting to see her?

I know I can go to a different spots as well and I do from time to time, but when its right at the end of my street, I figure why bother going elsewhere, this is my home...

I told my friends and family that I run into her often there and they all say she is properly hoping to run into me to “check-up”, or shes hoping I will make contact with her. We’ve been NC for about a year and I have stayed away from all social media as well. I don’t know if she is still with my replacement. My sister saw them together about 4 months ago at the shops and said she looked like there was “nothing” in her. It reminded me of that blank look she used to have. I swear BPD have “that look” where its like the soul has gone... Does anyone else remember this look? But while I remain painted black and I assume he is giving her the source she needs, I know I wont hear form her. I honestly don’t think/HOPE I ever will again.

Nonetheless, I’d like to hear your thoughts... Is this something a BPD does? Check-in? Anyone with a similar experience?

If I had an ex where I did the horrendous things similar to what she did to me, there is no one in hell id go anywhere near where they could potentially be. Especially when it only takes an extra few minutes to avoid!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Trip09,

I can tell you from my experience of getting an email 4 years after our breakup (with NC) and from others' stories on this forum, that this isn't unusual. Perhaps in her way, walking there brings comforting memories of your relationship (did you spend time with her there during the relationship?).

In my experience, I found that pwBPD tried to soothe his feelings by re-engaging with former girlfriends.

It sounds like you are handling the encounters well. How do you usually feel afterwards?

heartandwhole

[Trip09]

Thanks for the reply heart!

Wow 4 years? That's unreal. I honestly felt that I was beyond the barrier after a year but I guess you never know...

Just before she discarded me she said her ex had msged her to see how she was going (this was 2 years into our relationship). I didn't think much of it, but now knowing how she actually broke up with him (she sent a text message while he was away on business after being together for 5 years) I highly doubt he would msg her considering what she did and the fact he was in a healthy relationship when he supposedly msged her. It would seem she msged him, especially as I was being painted black at that stage. Also, I only found out the truth about their break up from her family, which came after I was discarded. Funny how her recollection of the break up was different?

Yes, my area is  where we first started meeting up with one another after we met. We had our first (and many) dates here, we even had our first kiss here. It was difficult after I was discarded to be around my area as everything was a trigger for me, but with a gradual understanding of BPD and the realisation that she has no true hold on my life, I have been able to find a place of peace with my past events around where I live.

At first, it was crushing to see her. The first time was the hardest because it was so unexpected, but now part of me just knows there is a chance she will be there. If she is, of course it gives me a little anxiety but it also gives me a real opportunity each time to see how far I've come and check in with myself. Like athletes before a sports game, they can talk how they are pumped and ready for it,  but when it comes to the crunch, that's when you really find out where you are at.

It does do my head in how you can be so close with someone (own a house together, have kids names and a ring ready to get married) only for them to drop you as though you never existed. But it's the sad life she lives and I know I gave her/us all I could. I do sometimes want to stop her and talk, although I wouldn't even know where to begin or what to say to her. Maybe it's closure from her that makes me want that? I know though true closure comes from me living my life as happily and peacefully as I can

[heartandwhole]

It does do my head in how you can be so close with someone (own a house together, have kids names and a ring ready to get married) only for them to drop you as though you never existed. But it's the sad life she lives and I know I gave her/us all I could. I do sometimes want to stop her and talk, although I wouldn't even know where to begin or what to say to her. Maybe it's closure from her that makes me want that? I know though true closure comes from me living my life as happily and peacefully as I can

That would totally do my head in, too, so I understand your pondering, Trip09. I think that is one thing that we learn here by sharing our experiences: that trying to understand a disordered mind can lead to confusion and pain.

You never know if you will get closure; maybe you will. I think I did. In that, we left things on a good note and I understood that it would never work between us because of not only his BPD, but because of my poor choices at the time (e.g., he was still involved with someone else, but I believed him when he said they were finished).

You seem to be handling the times you see her really well.  That is not easy to do. I think you are right: living your life peacefully and happily is all the closure that you need. If you try to get some from her, it could go wonky and leave you with even more questions. That said, if you feel good and detached, then a word or two in greeting probably won't hurt either. I don't keep in touch with pwBPD myself, because we had tried to be friends/friendly several times and it just didn't work. Lesson learned, you know? 

heartandwhole

[babyducks]

Hi Trip09,

Here is my understanding of this.  People who suffer with the traits of BPD have an insecure attachment style.   They need to manage the attachment, manage the closeness so that their own internal intense emotions are more comfortable for them.   It creates the push/pull we are all so familiar with.

What I have observed is a pattern that looks like this, you make me feel good about me come closer, oh my goodness this is overwhelming and I am frightened go away.   Over and over again.  In all sorts of variations.  People with BPD have very high needs for attention, affection and proximity.   It seems to me your ex is managing her feeling for you by manipulating her proximity to you.   It is something I am familiar with.   My (ex) partner is coming out of a recently bad episode,  she is popping up on the periphery of my life and I am bumping into her all over the place.    I don't see it as a healthy and mature way to handle our issues so I don't engage in it.   I find it uncomfortable.  It is in a way semi-stalkish and boundary busting.   No I don't 'own' the areas where my pwBPD is popping up but her appearing there is obviously in some way aimed at me.   Looking for a reaction?   Looking to rekindle?  Proving she is the better person because I am being mean because I don't engage?  I don't know.   What I am sure of is that is much more about her need to manage her out of control emotions than it is about me or our relationship.

It reminded me of that blank look she used to have. I swear BPD have “that look” where its like the soul has gone... Does anyone else remember this look?

Yup I know the look.   It has been explained to me that the empty blank looks comes from a disassociated experience.      When the internal chaos becomes too extreme, things became to much too handle and the brain and the emotions overload and shut down.    Have you ever had an experience of being overwhelmed?   a near miss car accident that scared ya near to death?   an extremely intense argument where you reached over load?   You probably had a similar (if not as noticeable) look on your face, it's the I can't take this anymore look, I am shutting down.

hope this helps.
'ducks

[Trip09]

What I have observed is a pattern that looks like this, you make me feel good about me come closer, oh my goodness this is overwhelming and I am frightened go away.   Over and over again.  In all sorts of variations.  People with BPD have very high needs for attention, affection and proximity.

Thats 100% spot on ducks. One of the insane reasons my ex discarded me was because I spent too much time studying and not being obsessively around her. It's like, sorry for bettering myself by getting a degree so "we" can have more opportunities in the future! There was one time I said I just needed another 30min study time, ended up being 50min or so, she flipped at me like I'd just cheated on her :/ her need for constant attention was unreal! It was about her all the time and because my study didn't involve her, she saw it as me choosing that over her? Even her mum said to me, it's always got be (exBPD name) way... Should have listened more carefully! Hahaha... However, what you wrote perfectly summarizes what my ex was like.

Those questions you asked have been the same ones that have crossed my mind. Does she want me to react? Speak with her? Or is she doing it so she can feel she is the good one because I'm not engaging her? Maybe she goes there to soothe the instability she constantly feels within? I know I can run over these questions endlessly in my mind but in the end they are wasted space. There really is no need for an answer because with BPD, there simply isn't ever one. I was curious to see if this had occurred with anyone else, glad I'm not the only ducks (although sorry to hear you're expericing it as well).

Glad you understood "the look" as well. I honestly thought it might have just been me? But what you wrote, yeah that's exactly what it was like and came at the times when she just seemed to shut down. I'll never forget what it looked like, it's almost haunting... but I am sure glad to be away from it.

I know I'm still not at a stage where I'd want to engage with her (doubt I'll ever be). From reading countless articles here, it never seems to work out well for people who re-engage with an exBPD. Plus, where would I begin? What would I even say? There's no way to ever describe the hurt and pain she caused me. So why bother? I won't get any clarity from her. She messed my head up bad enough when she discarded me, no need for round 2

But who knows, one day I might give her a wave as I go by. At least that way I won't be the bad guy who doesn't acknowledge her (although I know she made me out to be with the lies she told her family and friends about me. Thankfully  most of them knew it wasn't true, yet they still support and enable her behavior). But even if I did, I'd just keep moving forward in my direction as it seems the best way to take your life back after being put through hell on earth!

[babyducks]

Those questions you asked have been the same ones that have crossed my mind. Does she want me to react? Speak with her? Or is she doing it so she can feel she is the good one because I'm not engaging her? Maybe she goes there to soothe the instability she constantly feels within?

Tough questions.    Here is what I think.     In my relationship there was a real pattern of her projecting her bad behaviors onto me and me projecting my good intentions onto her.   Neither was accurate.   I learned the hard way not to do that.    For me it was a process to be able to say that her turning up in on the edges of my life was another hallmark of her being unhealthy and operating with poor coping skills.   In many ways my ex views people as objects to be collected who will or won't fulfill her needs.   She is still at that, collecting.

After (many) dramatic exits to reappear as if nothing happened is another blast of distorted reality.   And there is very little I can do about that.   I think that this is part of the fall out I have to learn to live with.   I entered into a relationship with a mentally ill person.   The weird stray contact and odd messages are going to be part and parcel of that.

I need to find a way to integrate that into my life that protects me and maintains my peace of mind.   I need to find a way to respond that reflects my values.   It stinks but that is how it appears to be.   Sometimes I can see her and not be disturbed.   Sometimes it bothers me.     It would probably be a little weird if it didn't bother me.   There was a lot between us, some good, some bad, all of it wickedly intense.     My goal is to see her some day and not give a hoot.   I'm closer to that than I was.  I try to keep my emotional armor intact and not pick up or be responsive to what she does or says.   I deliberately try to keep contact to a minimum and when I can't avoid speaking to her, when we are in a public place where I don't want to create an incident I just nod, and say excuse me and keep on moving.

I like to think I am a compassionate person but not at my own expense.  In other words I would like to be able to see her and not take it personally.   I am not there yet.   

hope this helps.

[Trip09]

For me it was a process to be able to say that her turning up in on the edges of my life was another hallmark of her being unhealthy and operating with poor coping skills.   In many ways my ex views people as objects to be collected who will or won't fulfill her needs.   She is still at that, collecting.

This hit the spot with me ducks. Very well put!

So of course the universe being what it is, I saw her down there tonight. Except this time she was with my replacement. This is the first time I have seen them together. I had honestly dreaded this moment ever coming but you know what, when it did I was actually fine. I'm still here, I'm still breathing and I feel all I have learnt and worked on within myself (being present) kicked in. Yes, of course there was some anxiety as expected, but it's her life and more importantly I've got mine. I plan on making my life the best experience possible, especially having seen and read the disarster it could have been had i gone further into my relationship with a BPD.

And without being snarly, she just didn't look at all healthy (put on a fair amount of weight) which adds to how I saw her previously, when I felt a very unhealthy/sickness feeling when she walked by. Is this something BPD do, unhealthy mind, unhealthy body?

I can let my mind play out what it wants, but the reality of the situation is that she was someone I knew, I loved and gave her all I could. If she feels her life is better off without me, so be it. I'll keep focusing on me and sharing the love I have within, with the people in my life who are healthy enough to constantly receive it.

Thanks for all your posts