Introduction - new wife with BPD?

[anj510]

Hi everyone.  I'm at the very beginning, both in marriage (we just marked our one-year anniversary) and in learning about BPD.  The past 2 years (since we first met) have seen some very happy moments and connection, but also--and increasingly--very stressful, frequent, and difficult conflict, at times being extremely emotionally painful to me.  In the past 3-4 months, I've found myself struggling with whether I should--or even can--remain in my marriage.

I'm going to try to give a picture in list-form--

* our biggest conflict revolves around the fact that I have several close female friends.  My w feels threatened by these friendships and, to use a term I learned while reading about BPD, has alienated (or I have allowed to be alienated) a couple of them.  These friendships are purely platonic; of the two most at issue, one is in a committed relationship and the other has been married for 20+ years.  They are very valuable to me and, from my perspective, having them is an asset to a committed relationship, not a threat.  This feels like a very core/fundamental unresolved issue.
* many of the characteristics and traits I've read about resonate with my experience of my w: in particular, excessive anger, splitting (black-and-white thinking), extreme sensitivity to rejection or anything that could be construed as criticism, feelings of victimization, circular conversations & arguments.  Learning about BPD for the first time in the past few weeks--and reading about the hallmarks of it--has been a classic lightbulb moment for me, that brings a sense of relief that other people have gone and are going through this, and that it's an actual thing that has been identified, studied, etc.
* our arguments (about the female friends issue but also other issues) are extremely intense--she quickly gets into a very emotional place that is often frightening to me (not in the sense of physical danger but simply because of the extreme place she goes to, with no capacity for objective distance from her feelings)
* she has a history of emotional abuse from her mom (and feelings of resentment towards her dad for not protecting/sticking up for her)
* she is from another culture (Asian) and it's sometimes hard for me to discern whether there are cultural issues complicating our interactions / conflict--for example, with the female friend issue

All this said, my sense is that--perhaps/hopefully--hers is a mild case of BPD.  She's a very intelligent and loving person and I think she can sometimes see the way she's being--although such moments are infrequent and only after much struggle.

I should also say that I'm not perfect either.  I've struggled with feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem my whole life and tend to be conflict-avoidant (I did some reading about AvPD and I may sometimes veer into that territory!).  I've been in therapy (group but mostly individual) for many years and have made slow, but I think steady and real, progress.

I've also struggled with other circumstances that complicate the picture.  One is that we are in our first year of marriage, and isn't it true that this is a difficult time for any couple, that the stresses of merging lives can bring out the worst in people?  Another is that we're currently living in a country neither of us is familiar with (she accepted, with my encouragement, a one-year position in the Middle East; we will be returning to the US in the spring of 2017)--so this adds to the stress.  And finally, while she works at her job, I do not have work to do (continuing my business was not an option where we currently live)--so I'm alone much of the time; and I'm the kind of person who likes to work, be productive, and have people around him.  So yet more stress!

The bottom-line for me at the moment is that I'm in a place of real struggle and emotional pain.  Our time together started out so happily but as these dynamics have surfaced and we've really begun to know each other, I've felt increasingly hopeless and despairing and I can feel my initial feelings of love dwindle.  I feel unsure and torn about what to do, my commitment to her, and whether we have any hope for positive change.

I think that gives the big picture; I imagine I'll provide more details over time, as I add posts and reply to some of you.  I look forward to your feedback and hope I can provide encouragement, support, and sharing in return.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

I think BPD sufferers can be "low functioning" (hard to hold a job, everyone can "see" that there is something not quite right) or "high functioning" (often YOU are the only person who can see it, everyone else thinks she's 'normal'. Your wife sounds high functioning (like mine).

You have obviously read a little about BPD - I recommend "Stop walking on eggshells" as another book.

Whether your wife *actually* has BPD or not is not relevant - the techniques that are taught on this site will help reduce the conflict either way. The first thing you should read about is Validation.

Validation is a conversational technique to help her feel heard. For a guy, it can be like learning another language! But it will help with all your relationships. Validation also helps you to continue to do what YOU want to do, despite her objections. So if you value your female friends, you can listen to her "complaints" with empathy and understanding, yet still socialise with them. Yoru conversations need to STOP being about "explaining" and "reasoning", and more to "listening", "understanding her EMOTION" and "sharing her emotion".

Validation is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

When you have read some more, post your thoughts! There are many people here who can help you... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Welcome. You've come to the right place.  I'd like to share my experience and observations that you might relate to.

Female friends :

This fear is supposedly based on the basic premise of losing you, but it is in fact an isolation technique. It has nothing to do with "cultural differences" and in suggesting as much, you are already making excuses for her. Women often have a sense that we don't have and this gives them the ability to see manipulation from a mile away. Hence, the real fear is that your female friends will "open your eyes" to her unacceptable behaviours.

The process of alienation usually works like this... .first it's the female friends because she knows you want to prove her dedication to her and to prove that you're not a womaniser, then the male friends and then your family. Once you have been totally alienated and you don't have a support network, things get worse and if "gaslighting" is involved you start to question your own sanity and find yourself in a big black hole, feeling totally helpless. It's important to maintain all your friendships and as you said, your friendships should enhance the marriage. As ArleighBurke suggested, validation is a good way to achieve this and stand your ground.

Your Level of Self Esteem:

In such a case, a relationship with a pwBPD has already tipped the scales heavily in her favour. Their behaviour is enough to wear any man down. You need the strength and the ability to not doubt yourself at any time.  Please look at practising the tutorials especially the one on setting and maintaining boundaries and stand your ground firmly and always do it like a gentleman. That way you will never doubt yourself or feel you have acted harshly or improperly. Feeling that way just leads you to feel more isolated and totally powerless = helpless.

And Finally

How does her commitment to YOU compare with your commitment to her? Pondering the future of the marriage, if you stay to "rescue" her nobody will thank you for it and you would have suffered. And nobody is going to run to ease your suffering. If you agree that you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink, then why do we bash our heads against a brick wall? Is doing so going to make that horse drink? No, but we're left with the scars and these are often deep and difficult to heal.

I would suggest that dealing with such a relationship requires emotional strength and learning the techniques here can equip you for the next part of the journey, whatever you decide to do.

Good luck - do what's best for YOU. Don't be a hero "white knight" and don't ever doubt yourself. You'll get no thanks for it and you might end up disliking yourself for your feeble and pathetic attempts to save what might not have been salvageable.

[Meili]

I would like to join the others in welcoming you.

I would also like to add that most of the time, while we are still practicing validation skills, it's easier to practice not invalidating. That starts with learning to listen with empathy. There are some great links in the sidebar to the right of the page to help you find a place to start.