just wondering

[shimmieshimshim]

Hi, i posted once a while back, need a little help and some opinions... my fiance with bipolar and BPD left me out of the blue july 25th over text, just one line "As far as us i just dont know, i dont feel anything any more, i just dont care. i'm sorry." ive not been able to stop contacting her every 3 or 4 days since just trying to make sense of it but she has not responded except once when i went to the beach to clear my head some. her text was " I know we need to talk. i'm sorry for how ive acted. cant talk right now, getting ready for work. talk to you later" that was august 26th. ive replied more but have been a bit better, like only one text a week but no other responses. Well i found out she had got a 30 yr loan on a home 45 minutes away from me. (we had been looking at homes and talking about marriage for over  2 years now) We have been together off and on for 10 years, first break i left her after 2 months together, last 4 have been by her (4 recycles) i guess my question is, is this it? can i expect another recycle? how should i go about trying to reconcile? In the past i never knew she had BPD or bipolar, shes a quiet one, so i always thought it was over then after 6-8 months we ended up back together.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VitaminC]

Hi, shimmieshimshim,

We have been together off and on for 10 years, first break i left her after 2 months together, last 4 have been by her (4 recycles) i guess my question is, is this it? can i expect another recycle? how should i go about trying to reconcile? In the past i never knew she had BPD or bipolar, shes a quiet one, so i always thought it was over then after 6-8 months we ended up back together.

That sounds hard; like you're in a no man's land waiting to see what will happen and hoping that something good will. Am I reading that right? It doesn't sound like you've been given much to go on for months now. It is hard to cope when we feel our future is in someone else's hands.

I don't think anyone here can predict what your ex will or won't do. There is a lot of recycling with these relationships, but there are so many permutations that it's really a lot easier, in the end, to focus on what you might want to do. 

It might help you to take a look at the information here on the right, especially the link to "Is it BPD?".

What would you need from this relationship for it to be one that you would re-enter, if that happened? Were you happy in it? Fulfilled? To what degree have you looked at the role that you have played in the relationship in the past?

How do you feel at the moment?

[shimmieshimshim]

Hi, thanks for the reply, yes i am hoping something good will come out of this when we got back together the last time she said she went to dr cause she didnt understand why she kept leaving me,i asked her what the dr said and she told me borderline bipolar, so she kind of lied to me but not totally i guess,anyways i spent time researching bipolar and learning which i figure is for the best for the relationship, but she kept the BPD part secret i'm guessing so i wouldnt read the horror stories so when she left again this time just like all the times before, i got back to researching bipolar, but one morning it came back to me exactly what she said so i started googling borderline bipolar, couldnt find such a thing but saw you could have both bipolar and BPD... so started researching it. Well i couldnt understand because i kept reading these stories where the person was verbally and physically abusive and those things didnt make sense to me but then i found out about the quiet borderline and it all made sense... .one of the things i loved about her was we never argued really.  I guess for me id love for us to get back together, as you can imagine this is no fun, especially after catching on so late. She was on medication and in therapy, but after a year and a half she stopped going to therapy and then some time earlier this year she quit taking her medicine, if we was to continue on she would definitely need to keep up her treatment. I;m trying to work on myself, exercise work that kind of thing, spending more time with my son, and monday i start therapy for the first time ever. yes i was happy in the relationship, never thought about leaving her... .we got engaged was looking at homes and talking about getting married soon, i think maybe she was impatient with me because i was taking my time i didnt see the need to rush things and she of course was pushing hardthe last 6 months but i figured with buying a home we should take our time... maybe its all my fault maybe she took my taking it slow the wrong way... she's been hanging with this new group of girls at work, bad influence, and it lead me to wondering, does a replacement need to be a new partner or could it be new friends? i really think those ladies talked my fiance into doing this but who knows right. i know no one can predict the future and say what will be, other wise they'd be stinking rich my asking was curiousity i guess, see if anyone else had a similar situation where their fiance bought a home and left them. As far as my role i played i'm sure i was a care taker of sorts, we never lived together and she took care of herself for the most part but i was definitely a caretaker as far as emotionally and helped her decide things, thats one reason i asked about the replacement because i really dont think she would have decided to do this on her own.