Anxious and feelings of always giving

[anxiousber]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and have been talking with a counsoler about my issues with my mother. Come to find out she sounds like she has BPD. She would never get help or admit anything like this, but it all makes sense. I as an adult I knew something wasn't right, nothing was her fault, she had a warped sense of self or things she said happened in the past, I always kept my mouth shut because I knew the anger was not worth it, I walk on egg shells, and I'm never good enough. From all of this I suffer from anxiety, and always feel like I'm the problem and I'm the fixer. We recently had a huge falling out, causing me to reach out. I'm unsure how to fully deal with her and my own feeligs about this. During our fall out she lashed out and said I was crazy and was off the deep end and she wishes I hadn't been born, all because I questioned her about the past and repeated things she had said to me, she said I made everything up.

I feel like I'm an accomplished adult, I have a wonderful job and marriage.I don't know how to handle my emotions from all this or how to deal with her... .

Any help or advice would be awesome.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome  anxiousber:  

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor.  I ended up seeking the help of a therapist to figure out what was going on with my uBPD sister.  Unfortunately, we can't change the person in our life with BPD.  What we can change is how we interact and react.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful (just click on the green words):

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT
SETTING  BOUNDARIES
SET - COMMUNICATING WITH SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND TRUTH  

Setting boundaries can be very important.  It may not be easy, but consistency can pay off.  Learning the various communication skills can pay off as well.  It can be a good opportunity to tackle a skill at a time and discussing with your therapist.  These skills can be helpful to use in normal relationships and in the workplace.

There are a lot of supportive people her.  It can be a good place to ask questions and discuss using some of the skills and communication techniques.  Check out some of the lessons and let us know what you think.

[Turkish]

If you look back into your childhood,  can you remember thinking,  even with a child mind, that something wasn't right? 

I got the "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" Before ten,  and then as a teen.  At least she qualified it with "sometimes."

Whatever age, it's a hurtful thing to hear, cutting to the core of a person, like wishing we didn't exist. 

What precipitated the fall out? 

[anxiousber]

If you look back into your childhood,  can you remember thinking,  even with a child mind, that something wasn't right? 

I got the "sometimes I wish I'd never adopted you!" Before ten,  and then as a teen.  At least she qualified it with "sometimes."

Whatever age, it's a hurtful thing to hear, cutting to the core of a person, like wishing we didn't exist. 

What precipitated the fall out? 

Hello Turkish,
Thanks for your response. I do remember as a child I was held back or it was hard to have an emotional relationship bc of how she and my father's relationship way. One maybe having BPD then the other an alcoholic with untreated Bipolar. Things pieced themselves together over time after I moved out and went to college.

What started the fall out was she hates her family, so they where shut out most occasions growing up,  but sometimes allowed around. Her mother passed and I insisted she and I go. Interesting events and conversations happened  including meeting my half sister who is almost 10 years older than me, who my mother hates and shut out when she was born. Well I questioned things about her side of the family, and started relationships with them and reached out... .well that caused all the stories of her life and things were never her fault, she was the victim and she hates everyone on her side... .so in me asking we got into a huge fight. We didn't speak for 6 months then I reached out only to be screamed at for an hour or 2 and told I was crazy for bringing up things she has said in the past, that she said she never said... .I was the crazy one and that was it. She has text me a few times,  but nothing anywhere close to loving.

[anxiousber]

Welcome  anxiousber:  

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor.  I ended up seeking the help of a therapist to figure out what was going on with my uBPD sister.  Unfortunately, we can't change the person in our life with BPD.  What we can change is how we interact and react.

There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful (just click on the green words):

FOG - DEALING WITH FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT
SETTING  BOUNDARIES
SET - COMMUNICATING WITH SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND TRUTH  

Setting boundaries can be very important.  It may not be easy, but consistency can pay off.  Learning the various communication skills can pay off as well.  It can be a good opportunity to tackle a skill at a time and discussing with your therapist.  These skills can be helpful to use in normal relationships and in the workplace.

There are a lot of supportive people her.  It can be a good place to ask questions and discuss using some of the skills and communication techniques.  Check out some of the lessons and let us know what you think.

I will definitely check into those websites. I'm struggling with how to deal with her and separating myself from the emotional stress this relationship is putting on me. I always feel after talking with her and even others that I'm at fault and I have to be the one to fix everything.  I'm just defeated. I don't know where to start to mend and/or I don't know how to or if I even should cut her out. She is never at fault for anything, ever... .everyone always makes her life hard. I just listen and walk on eggshells, but I can't do that to yself anymore. Do I work on me first , then work on our relationship?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey anxiousber:  

I'm just defeated. I don't know where to start to mend and/or I don't know how to or if I even should cut her out. She is never at fault for anything, ever... .everyone always makes her life hard. I just listen and walk on eggshells, but I can't do that to myself anymore. Do I work on me first , then work on our relationship?

Probably best to focus on you right now.  Are you doing anything to try and manage your stress?  :)o you have any favorite ways to chill out?  Focusing on you right now, stress relief, and practicing applying some boundaries and communication skills, could give your more confidence for the next time you interact with your mom.

People with BPD tend to like to blame others.  My sister practices the same tactic.  We probably won't be able to change that situation, so we will need to adjust how we interact and react to their blaming.

The links below to articles about Projection and Blame might be helpful.  It can be a hard situation to understand, I know it was for me.  Gaining some understanding about projection might help you deal with it better.

PROJECTION:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=155638.0

BLAME:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.0

 

Everything Is Your Fault
Continual blame and criticism is another defense mechanism that some people with BPD and NPD who act out use as a survival tool. The criticism may be based on a real issue that the person has exaggerated, or it may be a pure fantasy.
Family members have been raged at and castigated for such things as carrying a grocery bag the wrong way, having bed sheets that weighed too heavily on the BP's toes, and reading a book the BP demanded they read. One exasperated non-BP said that if by some chance he didn't make an unforgivable error one day, his wife would probably rage at him for being too perfect.
If you object to the criticism or try to defend yourself, your loved one may accuse you of being defensive, too sensitive, or unable to accept constructive criticism. Since their very survival seems to be at stake, they may defend themselves with the ferociousness of a mother bear protecting her cubs. When the crisis has passed and the person with BPD seems to have won, they may act surprised that you're still upset.
REFERENCE THE FOLLOWING LINK:  https://www.BPDcentral.com/help-for-families/familiar-fights/

Perhaps you might want to share some of your thoughts after reading about projection and blame.