Introduction, new to this forum

[Frodo]

Hello to the members of this forum,

I am happy to have found this site and to look for resources and make connections in the community to understand my experience of the past 15 months and heal and get strong so I make sure this never happens again. I just extracted myself from the "Grand Finale" which was gaining speed aimed directly at me. I am sure if I had not left when I did, I would have been set up to be accused of abusing her to the police, in her rage she actually threatened to hurt herself and to blame me multiple times, yelling rape and help, help while I was trying to help her calm down and be safe. And it was this transference of her pain to me that made me flee... .I never abused her, I got abused emotionally and physically including broken bones.

Love is not supposed to hurt. I fell in love and see now that I stayed in the relationship due to the self induced blindness of my heart and my wish to help someone that I loved. My "fixer" personality and the dynamics of my family were my set up to play a role I see now as unhealthy for me and a pattern I must change. It is a wonder that I could convince myself of the story being to stay when I was being abused and denigrated again and again for over a year. The story was we were always working on it together, but after nearly a year I fled, when she was demonstrating some of the first improvements in self regulation, she began to make me and our relationship the reason for this disorder that has affected her throughout her whole life. That and the daily upset and rage, first towards herself, then the world, then me getting in the cross fire, then it being aimed at me!

Now the grief is flowing and I am letting it be my healing. Been researching and studying now that I understand the truer nature of the traits I was working with... .her psychiatrist and counselors refused to present information relevant to her BPD behavior after nearly nine months of it... .finally my counselor reintroduced information just recently on BPD, info that an earlier visit had given us, but too late... .my disconnection was finally happening and once she got wind of that... .grand finale was underway... .that is when the part of her that would show up and abuse did not go away fully unlike the past when she would become the waif in need after the witch, hermit, queen had had their turn... .

I left finally, still loving her, with compassion in my heart for her and her terrible suffering, but with my feet beating it down the path to self responsibility for taking care of myself, for my pain and my suffering, all too real including injuries still in need of healing... .at long last I saw that there was nothing that would be enough, ever, and that it would not stop until I was destroyed and the relationship was destroyed (something she said three separate times at intervals when in grief the first time, and rage the next two times... .she claims never to have said it (argue over words) and then that it was only one time and was being used against her when she shared out of vulnerability)... .

Hard to accept that the prophesy was self-fulfilling and that nothing would ever be enough, but nothing ever was and it only got worse and life threatening for me... .

A challenge for me to recognize the reality of the illness when I was hopeless devoted to my sacrificing to support wellness and healing. The wellness and healing that never had a chance to come as the PTSD diagnosis became the excuse for the borderline behavior!

Then I woke up and was running for my life... .police already called twice on me... .

I am still in a disbelief of sorts, the truly psychotic side of borderline psychotic was not easy for me to even see for so long, let alone accept and take appropriate reaction.

Long intro, but it covers the relationship and is current... .I am still in a kind of hiding with a no contact rule miraculously being honored by her over the past three weeks... .no one-on-one contact, no plans for in-person contact... .a check-in call to resolve details of project that involves a third party friend scheduled in two days ( I am staying in a different state... .); I have pledged to myself that if she is not cooperative and somehow supported on her end to be conciliatory (long-shot, I know... .) I am going full on no contact with no specified end date and planning to do so immediately after the call... .if cooperative then only phone contact... .trying to avoid taking out a restraining order but if she is hostile or threatening, I have already met with legal aid and have it in motion to file... .

Any input, comments, resources?

How does this work?

I want to heal and am ready to own my role and my part and want to learn new skills. I need help!

Frodo

[heartandwhole]

Hi Frodo,



I'm sorry that your relationship broke down. I know how painful that can be. I felt shattered after my breakup with pwBPD, and he was not someone who raged or threatened me at all. I can imagine how difficult this has been for you. I'm glad you posted; you've found an excellent place for support here. Not only do the members understand what you are going through, having been in similar situations, but the site also has tons of resources and tools to help things get better for you. And they really DO get better.  

I can speak so confidently about hope because of my own experience, but mostly because you have stated that you are ready to look at your role in the dysfunctional dynamic of your relationship. That courage will take you very far in your recovery, and allow you to thrive again—stronger, wiser, and probably even more compassionate than before. Looking inward is not intended as a search for blame—left to their own devices, our minds will find plenty of that to go around—but as a kind of self-investigation with the goals of learning and growth. You are already on your way, Frodo, having put your needs first and reaching out for support.

You've said that the grief is flowing. What a great description. Are you sleeping, eating well, and exercising? It's so important to take really good care of yourself in the early days of grieving. That, and having a good support system around you. Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on?

When I first came here, I needed help understanding what I had just been through. I had no knowledge of BPD and felt confused and devastated by the whirlwind I had just participated in. This article was so helpful for me at the time:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have time to read it, I'd love to know what you think.

The Five Stages of Detachment are also a good starting point on the right sidebar----->
They will help you navigate the grieving process, especially since these kinds of emotionally loaded relationships can evoke deep losses/patterns from our past.

Keep writing, Frodo, it really helps. Let us know what is challenging you the most right now. We are here to support you.  

heartandwhole


 

[bestintentions]

Frodo,

That was a very articulate post and you sound well on your way to understanding what's happened to you and your role in it.  I spent the better portion of two months in the bargaining stage that saving my 25 year r/s was what I "needed" to do.  I wasn't just going to give up on her.  It became clear soon after that I was chasing a phantom.  My codependency had clouded my perceptions and I discovered I was projecting who I thought she was and what our marriage was upon her.  It's very difficult to accept you've done this to yourself, especially when you've been blindsided and discarded as many of us have.

If you keep reading the resources here and posting, it will really help with self discovery.  You will get answers to your questions that will make you think about yourself in ways you perhaps hadn't before.  Find a poster here that speaks to you and follow their progress over time.  IMO a lot of insight can be gained that way into what you want your future to look like and why you made past decisions that you made.  You're among friends!

bi

[Frodo]

Dear heartandwhole and bi and to the others on this message board,

Thank you for the warm welcome and the resources, I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. I read about detachment and surviving a BPD breakup, and it was helpful to see this from a broader perspective, as in the patterns that my personal story is expressed through are larger than me... .I will keep re-reading them both... .

It has been a challenge to keep opening up on my end, only able to do it a little at a time as I integrate my experience, and therefore it has been a while since I replied... .partly because I chose to deal with previously arranged contact with my gf in order to arrange a transition/exit of our shared building project on a friend's property (remind me to not involve others in any future relationship longer term plans UNTIL it has proved safe and loving and functional for a year!)... .so that is what this update is about and it includes the dilemma I am facing for myself... .how to proceed in my situation in my own best interest... .

Since my post, I have been back in touch with my girlfriend who I see fitting the BPD traits; as I described in the first post, and remarkably, she has defused her Grand Finale for the moment (with me absent and with her having nearly daily outpatient treatment including PTSD group with DBT therapy, one on one therapy, anger management and 12 step support) and is effusively apologetic and wanting to spend the rest of her life with me and wanting to prove that she can be trusted and that she will be safe. She loves me and wants to prove that to me! All of this I have heard in someway after breakdowns and batterings, but this is the first time she has taken responsibility for being the batterer, and says she is willing to sign a statement about our time together that confirms that she has been abusive to me and that she has threatened to lie about me abusing her.

She is offering to do these things because her grand finale included her battering me to keep me from leaving the hotel room where she was raging and drunk, while saying she would destroy me and threatening my family and to ruin a family event she was not allowed to attend and that she would call the police and I would be the one to be charged with DV, which she indicated would be very easy for her to do by presenting evidence to police to accuse me... .this last event was during what she claims was "blacked out drunk", which I do not accept as excuse as she did and said all of the things one way or another previously when NOT under the influence... .sssshhhhheeeesh, what a mess! No wonder it is so hard to address this. I regularly get cortisol reactions just from thinking about this, dry mouth, sweating, heart racing... .like right now!
 
I am not returning to this relationship. It has been too damaging and dangerous.

Being truthful to myself, there is nothing I want more than for this to be safe and to create what we were unsuccessfully trying to create for the past 16 months. I love her and she is not well.

But, I tried that approach and it only got worse. Still here I am still wishing it wasn't true and that all of that sacrifice could finally pay off and we can cross that threshold and live happily ever after... .I know I cannot and will not return to her but there it is, the part of me that wonders about a year or two or three down the line... .that is my heart, that is my wishfulness. It is my addiction if I don't break my cycle right now.

Still -- what about a couple of years down the line is in the background... .I tell her there is no energy left in me for anything but my own healing and that I want no contact unless I am initiating it or have arranged it, she is agreeing to any and all terms... .next talk is next Wednesday about closure on the deal at my friend's place which will buy her out and my concern is entanglement. I cannot let that happen.

I need to stay free, I am finally getting a bit better... .

She claims that she now has the outpatient program we had been seeking and that she has had a chance to do the work and is committed to proving that she will get well.

I am praying for her, remembering that this is someone I love who is not well.

But I am putting myself first and am letting her know that she needs to respect my need for privacy and that I am the one who will decide if and when I can communicate with her... .so far she has complied.

I did not diagnose her, but in my conversations let her know that I have found the resources that are helping me after 10-11 months of working with PTSD resources that did not help me in the least; I discussed my experience and the textbook match of my experience with traits of Personality Disorders... .this allowed her to reference BPD. It is not like it hadn't surfaced, it was just dismissed under the (mis)guidance of the counselors, a psychiatrist and psychologist, and any consideration of BPD was dismissed and sleep deprivation psychosis and PTSD were the working diagnosis. The behaviors towards me were largely contextualized by the therapists and minimized and the getting on and off medicine was left to chance, meaning emotional abuse and physical injuries for me. All of this was shared with these professionals and they told her she was doing the best that she could, keep it up, we don't believe you will actually commit suicide and hitting yourself in the face is not so bad! That and I should stop trying to prevent her from hurting herself. I attended sessions with both counselors but my concerns were not factored in as they would not offer "couples" therapy. The system failed us/me; taking 6 months to offer any further resources like anger management. Of course I know she may distort and manipulate the sessions with them, but even so, counselors have not really helped and a couple of them did damage, one letting her turn a session into attributing the nature of the problem to my "controlling her is 90-99% of the problem", this about my holding to the idea that sleep needed to be prioritized if the illness was due to not sleeping... .in a more recent instance before the grand finale, her first response to getting her outpatient help was to make the case for transference of responsibility for all of our problems to me!
Where was the professional guidance needed for the reality of this dynamic? Well it was suppressed in my POV as the idea that these symptoms of sleep deprivation and PTSD became a diversion from the underlying traits that were causing the sleep deprivation and the PTSD just became the excuse for acting out on any irritation in a explosively disproportionate ways that cost me my well-being and health. I thought it was a process that just needed my cooperation and some time, what a fool! I was chasing a phantom of a person who was not able to really be there in a safe and loving relationship.

At this point, right now, with my exit and firm commitment to my self, remarkably she is open to examining the Personality Disorders, though her main counselor doesn't understand what is being suggested according to my gf and now they are going to part ways so that my gf can get someone who is better and actually has the time and focus for her sessions as this counselor is fitting my gf into her schedule and that has been compromising... .I see more of the chaos pattern that accompanies seemingly everything she does... .

Time out! In reflection I see myself processing here on this message board a whole lot still about her... .getting through this processing is meant to help me focus on my self and so I need to come back to my commitment that my wellness means me sorting out what gets me into these situations. I have asked my counselor for support and am following up on finding therapy (for people who have been through domestic violence, been with BPD/NPD and other PD, therapy that focuses on my recovery from patterns and core wounds that led me to be prey in this very distorted dynamic while it was harming me for so long). That's my work, to get whole and healthy for my self. I lost my job and my place to live in this relationship, though not all directly related to my gf, a considerable amount of these upsets were due to the dysfunctional relationship with my gf.

At this time I do not think that she will pursue anything that will do me harm, but I will remain vigilant and separate in order to achieve that, no one on one contact... .many people have been made aware of the abuse and the nature of her behavior, in order that I would not be falsely accused of abuse without support. This makes her very nervous and uncomfortable and I have indicated that is the result of her choices and that I am not trying to nor will I broadcast anything negative about her in our shared work and friends community, but those who needed to know were told when she made her threats to destroy me and falsely accuse me. It unnerves me how she keeps track of controlling the story and in our conversations and when I do not allow it and things break down, I hang up. She has then been able to be conciliatory and takes responsibility and is able to stop this old control the story pattern, to let me get my POV and my experience across to her when she discovers I will exit each time and it is futile to continue trying... .I do still see the person inside of her dynamic, fighting to get out, I just don't want to be the lifeguard that saves the drowning person only for the time I can survive under water while they are standing on top of me, and then either we both go under or I go under and she finds the next lifeguard.

I wish it wasn't so that this has been my reality with her and wish that the cycle got reversed before I had to flee for my life. I suppose that is normal enough to wish that unpleasantness did not have to happen, as long as I do not allow it to cloud my judgement and re-engage with my gf in any way that puts me at risk, and instead turn my energy and focus to managing and re-creating my own life, pursuing a new career and getting whole so I can thrive again... .that is my commitment to myself, Self first!

Thanks for reading, I welcome constructive feedback.

Frodo