Done

[foggydew]

Now I have to deal with being no contact, get him out of my thoughts, my life. Not so easy. When I went down for the weekend he was so unfriendly towards me - but friendly to others - that it upset me a lot. Friends worked on me annd told me how he was dragging me down, how I have changed in the last few months - and my anger grew. So I confronted him when he was in a bar with yet another older woman - holding hands even - and told him I had to talk to him. I told him that people percieve him as using me. At one point he said he didn't want to see or hear from me, and if I phone he would never pick up the phone (I generally don't call him anyway). He destroyed his phone at that point. This felt like being freed from some kind of chain for me.
And this is how I will keep it. I took all my things out of his flat, told him we would settle the rest much later, and left. Everyone tells me how glad they are that we have no contact, that it is for the best. Everyone. People actually being nice to me make me cry.
Half the time I feel glad and relieved, half the time I miss the good points. What is certain is that I can't be close and see him doing the same awful things over again while putting me down all the time. I wanted to continue being supportive till he does his alcohol programme, because he needs people who do not drag him into drinking, who see it as a chance not punishment. But it isn't going to be me.
Now I have to build a life without him.

[Sadly]

Hello Foggydew
Good for you, well done. Every building starts with a first brick, your foundations were already there, good luck with your new build life construction plan.  x

[foggydew]

Thanks, Sadly, I much appreciate your encouragement. I want to get back to being detached and strong, and don't really understand how I got into the situation that his words and actions bothered me. Or perhaps the words never bothered me, because there were always positive, caring actions. This time the neglect and disinterest weigh the most.

[Sadly]

Yes my love, I know about neglect and disinterest, it makes you feel like you are worthless and it hurts, but that's what they do. They are very very selfish. An example of a couple of emails when I kicked him out but was still in the depths of despair. He asked why we couldn't be friends and I replied truthfully,
You have no idea how much I wish I could JUST be your friend, but I cannot, anymore than you can LOVE me the way you once did. I do still love you but it hurts me too much that the love I want is not returned. To be with someone you love to want to kiss and hug and hold hands with and it not be returned is sheer unmitigated pain and it cannot continue. Not your fault if you don't feel it but not sustainable for me to be just a friend. I have to maintain my distance to not be hurt this way.
He replied:
No, I don't understand. If you love me the way you say you do you would want to be with me in whatever capacity so if you say you wish you could be my friend then why not be?

This is the selfish self obsessed person I loved !. No thought for me, my words didn't register and I point blank refused to let it matter anymore. You are stronger than you think love, keep coming here and when you are not here start slapping some mortar on your first brick. We believe in you.   xx

[foggydew]

Now he has told people how glad he is of friends who support him and the next time that someone angers him as I have done he will hit them till blood spurts, no matter what age or sex. Well, guess that helps with the no contact.

[Sadly]

Charming I must say, what a delight he is to be sure. It's certainly is an incentive to stay NC and slap another brick on.   x

[foggydew]

Sadly, I have read a fair bit of your story, and it is not unsimilar to mine. Except I wanted to be friends and nothing else, but had problems with the kind of woman he is choosing now. I would have been happy if he found a nice girl... but of course he can't. I wanted for us to be a family... but I guess all this calls for a much higher level of ability than he has, and even higher than I have. I don't think I will hear from him again. But we will have to work out how to deal with parts of our lives that still touch. Later, much later.
I find it so difficult at the m oment.

[foggydew]

A week NC. Not long really, and sometimes it was easy, sometimes hard. I don't want to contact him but there are times when life seems so empty. As if I can just sit around and wait for death to overtake me in a few years. Why bother? I'm going to start doing some work again, but is hard to find meaningful things to do to keep me occupied at present. Loneliness is still a problem, even though people are being nice. And I go out... .but it is Sunday that is the problem. Everyone with their family, or working. Not nice.
I hear about him from others. He isn't liked. He is solo again. Hope he goes to Rehab and doesn't mess up.
But that shouldn't be my problem.

[foggydew]

Don't know why this bothers me so much ... .just found I have been defriended by his stepdad, who he dislikes. Who beat him. This man, who I have invited into my home, given up my bed for on many occasions so he could have his privacy, cooked for, escorted round town so he felt entertained... .what have I done then? He makers me feel worthless, only useful as a spy on his stepson. He never believed there was something more than just alcoholism at work, he had no respect for my opinion nor my experience in this field. Why does it bother me so?

[foggydew]

AND I am trying to sort out my role and wishes. I want to believe I am a hurt innocent... .but I'm not. I can't even seem to sort out what has gone on or what I want. Well, I'd like to be the stable friend I once believed I was. I want to know how to get back to being not bothered by devaluation... .I've coped with it for a lot of my life. I don't want to break no contact though. I'm not ready to fdeal with any more hurt at the moment. Confused.

[foggydew]

Flabbergasted. He is trying to slowly prepare the way for contact again. Sending best wishes through a friend, posting my photo on facebook, saying everything will be ok again ... .for heaven's sake! This is not what I expected. I still want time with no contact, because I am working on not being enmeshed... and it is getting better. I do want to be friends, always have, never wanted this emotional dependency. It happened.
 I don't want to go back into the mire and be devalued and watch him cavorting with the low life that could destroy him. I don't want to be shown how unimportant I am. I don't want to be used against whatever girlfriend he might have. I don't want to be afraid of these things.
Not sure if I can tell him these things so he can understand... emotionally he is not very bright. Intelligent he certainly is, and when we communicate on non- emotional things, it seems ok.
Something strange that I can't explain is that I feel more peaceful now. I don't need to see him, don't want to be close, but it feels ok.

[foggydew]

So I'm not as detached as I hoped. Going to see his brother and wife who are beginning to be supportive of me (it's nice to have people who actually WANT to see me) but brother told me a bit about what is going on. Firstly, that BPD Friend didn't want his brother to visit him, and sent him his plans for the next few weeks. He's going to prison instead of paying the fine for driving under the influence. Then he will go to hospital/rehab for 8 weeks to deal with his alcohol problem.
So he doesn't seem to have any support from friends or family. On the one hand he complains about this ... and yet he seems to cut himself off.
 I just felt I couldn't let him start all this stuff with bad feelings so I sent a short message thanking him for his good wishes last week and wishing him all the best. I felt a lot better after doing that... but I noticed that this morning I'm back in codepenency mode, thinking, looking ... .although my brain tells me he probably won't answer (that's his power trip) and that he doesn't care whether I say anything or not.

[heartandwhole]

Hi foggydew,

It's hard to build a life without someone who has played such an important role in it up to this point. I can understand your feelings of wanting to reach out, at at time when he is going through a rough change (e.g. prison, rehab) himself. I'm glad you are posting your thoughts and feelings about this. Sometimes seeing the words typed out can help in detaching, because it gives us just that little bit more objectivity and distance.

Detachment takes time, and it certainly isn't easy or linear. Keep going, you are on the right track.    It takes practice to keep steering the focus back onto us when we've spent so much time focusing on someone else.

I want to ask you something because of my own experience, and wonder if you might feel similarly: do you feel a little lost about where you want to go in your life since the breakup? If so, tell us more about that—what are the fears or doubts that might be keeping you stuck ? When we rescue or take care of others, we often get a payoff that we have to let go of in order to change our patterns.

heartandwhole

[foggydew]

Feel a little lost? A real understatement. Adrift. Trying hard and getting nowhere. No colleagues because of retirement, my friends have little time, lost a lot through not going to visit friend any more (language course friends, freetime activities). Feel invisible half the time... and also spend time trying NOT to get into needy drunken relationships with needy drunken people who suddenly decide I'm nice. Clock ticking. There isn't really anywhere to go in life. Starting some work again on Saturday, stupidly asked not enough for my services (coaching) so they probably won't take it seriously. Even that is part of the syndrome.
And I'm so grate ful you answered, makes me feel human. I'm grateful when someone wants to spend time with me.
But I've taken up painting and I do have things I do... just can't concentrate long or get rid of the emptiness and the creeping anxiety, which explodes sometimes. I think this is like a real chemical addiction.
I thinbk your experience is similar, heartandwhole. Thanks.