Shame, Low Self-Esteem and a Crossroads

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't think I can go backwards from where I am.  My dBPDh and I had our second miscarriage confirmed a week ago. Since then it has been a week of bleeding, hospital visits and procedures, and relationship breakdown.

In my grief, pain, and distress, he could not be there for me.  He was dysregulated and I was reactionary.  And in the midst of the pain, I had to face the question: why? why would I stay in this relationship? why am I in this relationship in the first place?

Here's what I have been telling myself up until now: I didn't choose a person with BPD. I had been doing some self-work on boundaries, perfectionism, and co-dependency before because I am in a helping profession and had let boundaries in a friendship get too blurry. I had been really growing and doing well with self-care, singleness and dating with a discriminating eye. In fact, I had walked away from my husband after the first date because I sensed something - thought maybe he was in recovery. BUT then over a year later he showed up with a grand romantic gesture. He was in a good place and seemed like he was focused on growth, stability, and future. We discovered a lot in common.

And just a couple months before the wedding, a strange episode. We talked about calling off the wedding. Instead, we went to therapy. I agreed that as long as we are dealing with whatever it is, as long as there is responsibility, work and growth, we can do this together. I had no idea what BPD was. We got the diagnosis about four -five months after the wedding. Life had become hard. I started to learn about Cluster B. I read about the initial 'idealization' or honeymoon phase. I started to realize the pattern. Then after a particular public incident of rage that included some physicality, we separated for two months.

All this time, I have been telling myself that while in hindsight, I would have done this or could have waited longer before that, that I couldn't really have known at the time. That I kind of innocently fell into this trap. That I have just been trying to deal healthily the best I can, keep boundaries and yet be the stable, accepting, and self-differentiated partner to the flawed person that I still love.

I have to change the narrative: Now I feel ashamed. What is fundamentally wrong with me?  How when I was looking for the trap did I so blindly fall into it?  Why did I stay?  Why have I danced with self-awareness and not changed the music? Why do I still feel like it is me who is not strong enough to love him in the way he needs and be healthy myself? Acceptance feels like my initial narrative, an enabling tool that protects me from the ugly truth about my own patterns.

HOW DO I ACCEPT THAT I HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES, EVEN IF SUBCONSCIOUSLY, WITHOUT BEATING MYSELF UP MORE AND SHAMING MYSELF?  HOW DO I TRUST MYSELF EVER AGAIN?

Ironically, I am considered by others to be very good at reading people and situations.

[Foolishwizdom]

I don't think I can go backwards from where I am.  My dBPDh and I had our second miscarriage confirmed a week ago. Since then it has been a week of bleeding, hospital visits and procedures, and relationship breakdown.

In my grief, pain, and distress, he could not be there for me.  He was dysregulated and I was reactionary.  And in the midst of the pain, I had to face the question: why? why would I stay in this relationship? why am I in this relationship in the first place?

Here's what I have been telling myself up until now: I didn't choose a person with BPD. I had been doing some self-work on boundaries, perfectionism, and co-dependency before because I am in a helping profession and had let boundaries in a friendship get too blurry. I had been really growing and doing well with self-care, singleness and dating with a discriminating eye. In fact, I had walked away from my husband after the first date because I sensed something - thought maybe he was in recovery. BUT then over a year later he showed up with a grand romantic gesture. He was in a good place and seemed like he was focused on growth, stability, and future. We discovered a lot in common.

And just a couple months before the wedding, a strange episode. We talked about calling off the wedding. Instead, we went to therapy. I agreed that as long as we are dealing with whatever it is, as long as there is responsibility, work and growth, we can do this together. I had no idea what BPD was. We got the diagnosis about four -five months after the wedding. Life had become hard. I started to learn about Cluster B. I read about the initial 'idealization' or honeymoon phase. I started to realize the pattern. Then after a particular public incident of rage that included some physicality, we separated for two months.

All this time, I have been telling myself that while in hindsight, I would have done this or could have waited longer before that, that I couldn't really have known at the time. That I kind of innocently fell into this trap. That I have just been trying to deal healthily the best I can, keep boundaries and yet be the stable, accepting, and self-differentiated partner to the flawed person that I still love.

I have to change the narrative: Now I feel ashamed. What is fundamentally wrong with me?  How when I was looking for the trap did I so blindly fall into it?  Why did I stay?  Why have I danced with self-awareness and not changed the music? Why do I still feel like it is me who is not strong enough to love him in the way he needs and be healthy myself? Acceptance feels like my initial narrative, an enabling tool that protects me from the ugly truth about my own patterns.

HOW DO I ACCEPT THAT I HAVE UNRESOLVED ISSUES, EVEN IF SUBCONSCIOUSLY, WITHOUT BEATING MYSELF UP MORE AND SHAMING MYSELF?  HOW DO I TRUST MYSELF EVER AGAIN?

Ironically, I am considered by others to be very good at reading people and situations.

[Grey Kitty]

You sound like you really are beating yourself up emotionally right now.

You have been going in and out of the hospital after a miscarriage. I don't care how strong or wise you are, there really aren't many things that are emotionally harder to take than that... .and the hormonal changes associated with it will only make your emotions crazier!

Your dBPDh doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with this situation, which is hard on him too, so he's making things worse instead of supporting you. No surprise there. And yes, it compounds things for you right now.

... .in summary if you weren't an emotional trainwreck right now I'd doubt your sanity.     

What can you do?

In the short term, focus on self-care. If you can do that without making tough choices about your marriage immediately that might be for the best. Dunno about that.

The question "What was wrong with me / what was I thinking?" is an unhealthy rabbit hole for you to go down while you are in this relationship. When you catch yourself, try to gently redirect yourself. Because you can't change what you did in the past, it just leads to a self-perpetuating spiral of beating yourself up.

Questions about whether you want to stay in your marriage are much better. You can choose to stay as you are or to leave, and act on that choice. Or you can choose to stay but do things differently than before. Do you know what you want to do?

[Foolishwizdom]

It took me couple reads for me to process because for a second there I thought you were actually saying that you were doubting my sanity.

I was gonna be like, I'll give you wordy and a bit dramatic but I thought it was an attempt at clarity and self-honesty!

I have been saying that I need to take baby steps. And wait to see how things settle after the immediacy of grief is over. So, no major decisions just preparation for some kind of change.

Thank you for the advice on re-directing myself - it helped clarify a blurry place for me between beating myself up/shaming and introspection for self-growth. And before I saw your reply, I decided that self-care was in order and delegated a work task and came home early to have some quiet and time to myself.

I don't know for sure what I want to do. I am cycling through, though I keep pausing and grieving over the ending relationship possibility. I am examining the possibility that what I want and what I can do may not be identical. I recognize that there are techniques but I am not sure that I can do them and maintain my sanity or ultimately be happy. I would love for that to be possible. I am trying to come to terms with the idea that my needs and personality may not fit this scenario long-term and that I am not willing to sacrifice my sanity or well-being in pursuit of that.  

However, I am open to unconventional arrangements or resolutions. My husband is in the process of changing jobs (again) to trucking. That will mean that we will not be in the same physical space as much and distance may help. He may feel more positive in this job that is less social, less competitive, and less stress (he is currently an attorney.)  He has never indicated a desire to cheat or act out sexually (he tells me his BPD is mild  )  so if that remains true, maybe it is possible for us to find a way to be together but not together.  I may be willing to try that and see if this job and arrangement can last and be healthy. That won't happen for 2-3 LONG months though.

[Grey Kitty]

It took me couple reads for me to process because for a second there I thought you were actually saying that you were doubting my sanity.

I was gonna be like, I'll give you wordy and a bit dramatic but I thought it was an attempt at clarity and self-honesty!

  Oh honey, I'm glad you figured it out. When everything I say is reduced to words on a screen, the gentle smile is really hard for you to see. And yes indeed, it was clear and sounded very honest and insightful.

I have been saying that I need to take baby steps. And wait to see how things settle after the immediacy of grief is over. So, no major decisions just preparation for some kind of change.

I think that is a good idea, assuming his behavior doesn't take a sudden bad shift.

Thank you for the advice on re-directing myself - it helped clarify a blurry place for me between beating myself up/shaming and introspection for self-growth. And before I saw your reply, I decided that self-care was in order and delegated a work task and came home early to have some quiet and time to myself.

That you are doing this without much prompting is excellent. Keep on taking care of yourself.

I am examining the possibility that what I want and what I can do may not be identical.

That's pretty much the human condition. And what usually gets us stuck is when we REALLY want "Z" but the only things we can actually do are A, B, and C, and we refuse to choose any of them because they aren't "Z" and don't want to acknowledge that "Z" isn't a real possibility.

I recognize that there are techniques but I am not sure that I can do them and maintain my sanity or ultimately be happy. I would love for that to be possible.

I've found that the tools and lessons to improve a r/s with a pwBPD have helped me a lot in all parts of my life. And that was true regardless of whether the amount they improved that r/s was sufficient or not.

My husband is in the process of changing jobs (again) to trucking. That will mean that we will not be in the same physical space as much and distance may help.

Yes, it may make coping with the closeness in your r/s easier for him. Since he has very poor boundaries, physical distance is the only way he can "get away" so to speak.