It took me couple reads for me to process because for a second there I thought you were actually saying that you were doubting my sanity.
I was gonna be like, I'll give you wordy and a bit dramatic but I thought it was an attempt at clarity and self-honesty!
Oh honey, I'm glad you figured it out. When everything I say is reduced to words on a screen, the gentle smile is really hard for you to see. And yes indeed, it was clear and sounded very honest and insightful.
I have been saying that I need to take baby steps. And wait to see how things settle after the immediacy of grief is over. So, no major decisions just preparation for some kind of change.
I think that is a good idea, assuming his behavior doesn't take a sudden bad shift.
Thank you for the advice on re-directing myself - it helped clarify a blurry place for me between beating myself up/shaming and introspection for self-growth. And before I saw your reply, I decided that self-care was in order and delegated a work task and came home early to have some quiet and time to myself.
That you are doing this without much prompting is excellent. Keep on taking care of yourself.
I am examining the possibility that what I want and what I can do may not be identical.
That's pretty much the human condition. And what usually gets us stuck is when we REALLY want "Z" but the only things we can actually do are A, B, and C, and we refuse to choose any of them because they aren't "Z" and don't want to acknowledge that "Z" isn't a real possibility.
I recognize that there are techniques but I am not sure that I can do them and maintain my sanity or ultimately be happy. I would love for that to be possible.
I've found that the tools and lessons to improve a r/s with a pwBPD have helped me a lot in all parts of my life. And that was true regardless of whether the amount they improved that r/s was sufficient or not.
My husband is in the process of changing jobs (again) to trucking. That will mean that we will not be in the same physical space as much and distance may help.
Yes, it may make coping with the closeness in your r/s easier for him. Since he has very poor boundaries, physical distance is the only way he can "get away" so to speak.