Holiday Triggers...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,
    PrettyWoman posted about holiday triggers and I decided to start a new topic about that in particular.  I am trying not to think about how he is off having a glorious holiday with his new family by remembering all of mine with him;

2007- We had been dating and he went home for the holidays so I did not see him... .he came back and told me he had slept with an old friend. I forgave him. (she told me after our divorce it was a lie. I know now it was made to make me feel uncomfortable around her later... .)
2008-We were just married. We had a simple little Xmas at home... .he got drunk and was really mean to me. I ended up going to a movie by myself. I went to pay for my ticket and they told me someone paid ahead for a ticket for anyone that came in alone... .that was very nice. I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button... .alone. He vomitted all over my new chair.
2009- He acted strange and had some sort of panicked feelings that he couldn't go to work. He called out sick and wanted me to call work for him the next couple days like a child out of school. He told me he wanted us to take our pets to my Mothers and spend Xmas there for the weekend. Of course I said yes. He demanded expensive gifts.
2010-We had a big fight just before Xmas, because he was texting with someone from work who told me she was giving him blow jobs in the parking lot! She was married. He ended up cutting himself in the kitchen and I had to call 911... .it was the first time I witnessed this. He never went to my parents for the holiday and it was the last Xmas my Brother-in law was alive... .He told me he had to work. I later found out he was helping put together a bicycle for the future woman in my beds child. So there were two women at that time. He once again demanded expensive gifts.
2011- We went to an Xmas party and he didn't talk to anyone there... .Then on Xmas we had the family over... .he was kind of a jerk to everyone. He wasn't really into it. Drank too much and peed the bed. He demanded expensive gifts.
2012-His Father came to visit beforehand and that was good... .We had my family over and he cooked a great meal. He drank too much and asked my nephew to find drugs for him : ( Again with the need for expensive gifts... .his Mother told me not to, but I didn't listen. He would act like his family spent so much money on him that I should too. She told me that they buy name brands at TJMaxx!
2013- We had our first Xmas in our new home. We had my parents in from out of state. It was ok... .he seemed a bit distant though. He demanded all kinds of very expensive gifts! We had just gotten him out of rehab, so it was better than the others. My Mother made the meal and he did not like how she cooked it (we all didn't for that matter), but he was quite mean and embarrassing about it. He made them so uncomfortable that they had to leave our home and spend their last day at my sisters. He told my step father. "Now we can have the place to ourselves again." Again with the expensive gifts!
2014- He cooked dinner that day, no one wanted to be around us or have us over because of him. He got mad at me and told me he couldn't stand to look at my face while we were eating dinner. He took his plate (that had just been a xmas gift that year) and threw it in the sink hoping to break it and screamed, " I hate this plate!"  He kept whipping knives around me and near me to scare me. When I had finally heard enough swear words and felt threaten, I left to drive to my sisters... .a half an hour away. An hour later he text me and told me that everything was good there and that he was going to bed. Since I thought it was safe to come home, I did. All for him to yell at me and burst out again. Grabbing me and threatening me. Swearing and telling me to get out of his house. I went to my sisters again... .all of this driving Xmas eve! Little did I know he had planned on having someone over. I never slept and my sister had to go to work early, so I went home at 4:30 in the morning. There was not a car there, he picked her up. Her purse was on the counter and their clothes were by the fireplace. I went upstairs to my bedroom and there they were in my bed with the light on. They were asleep and the woman had a smile on her face I will never forget. She was recycled from before. I walked over and slapped him hard on the face. He got up and very calmly asked me why I did that? The woman said' " She is hurt"... .I called the police, they made him leave. I proceeded to take the Xmas tree down and throw it out the door. I returned most of the expensive gifts! Filed for separation in Jan.
2015- He wrote me and said, " Best Xmas I ever had with you not being a part of my life, thank you!"  

He is a monster... .Do you think he is going to have a happy Xmas with the new gf and baby?  I don't believe it for a minute! I feel better writing that out to remind myself of this. What a hateful person. I guess if they can't feel joy, they don't want anyone to. I don't feel "triggered" any more, just grateful to be out of that and able to enjoy the holidays once again. Hope you all can too!

[Herodias]

Hi,
    PrettyWoman posted about holiday triggers and I decided to start a new topic about that in particular.  I am trying not to think about how he is off having a glorious holiday with his new family by remembering all of mine with him;

2007- We had been dating and he went home for the holidays so I did not see him... .he came back and told me he had slept with an old friend. I forgave him. (she told me after our divorce it was a lie. I know now it was made to make me feel uncomfortable around her later... .)
2008-We were just married. We had a simple little Xmas at home... .he got drunk and was really mean to me. I ended up going to a movie by myself. I went to pay for my ticket and they told me someone paid ahead for a ticket for anyone that came in alone... .that was very nice. I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button... .alone. He vomitted all over my new chair.
2009- He acted strange and had some sort of panicked feelings that he couldn't go to work. He called out sick and wanted me to call work for him the next couple days like a child out of school. He told me he wanted us to take our pets to my Mothers and spend Xmas there for the weekend. Of course I said yes. He demanded expensive gifts.
2010-We had a big fight just before Xmas, because he was texting with someone from work who told me she was giving him blow jobs in the parking lot! She was married. He ended up cutting himself in the kitchen and I had to call 911... .it was the first time I witnessed this. He never went to my parents for the holiday and it was the last Xmas my Brother-in law was alive... .He told me he had to work. I later found out he was helping put together a bicycle for the future woman in my beds child. So there were two women at that time. He once again demanded expensive gifts.
2011- We went to an Xmas party and he didn't talk to anyone there... .Then on Xmas we had the family over... .he was kind of a jerk to everyone. He wasn't really into it. Drank too much and peed the bed. He demanded expensive gifts.
2012-His Father came to visit beforehand and that was good... .We had my family over and he cooked a great meal. He drank too much and asked my nephew to find drugs for him : ( Again with the need for expensive gifts... .his Mother told me not to, but I didn't listen. He would act like his family spent so much money on him that I should too. She told me that they buy name brands at TJMaxx!
2013- We had our first Xmas in our new home. We had my parents in from out of state. It was ok... .he seemed a bit distant though. He demanded all kinds of very expensive gifts! We had just gotten him out of rehab, so it was better than the others. My Mother made the meal and he did not like how she cooked it (we all didn't for that matter), but he was quite mean and embarrassing about it. He made them so uncomfortable that they had to leave our home and spend their last day at my sisters. He told my step father. "Now we can have the place to ourselves again." Again with the expensive gifts!
2014- He cooked dinner that day, no one wanted to be around us or have us over because of him. He got mad at me and told me he couldn't stand to look at my face while we were eating dinner. He took his plate (that had just been a xmas gift that year) and threw it in the sink hoping to break it and screamed, " I hate this plate!"  He kept whipping knives around me and near me to scare me. When I had finally heard enough swear words and felt threaten, I left to drive to my sisters... .a half an hour away. An hour later he text me and told me that everything was good there and that he was going to bed. Since I thought it was safe to come home, I did. All for him to yell at me and burst out again. Grabbing me and threatening me. Swearing and telling me to get out of his house. I went to my sisters again... .all of this driving Xmas eve! Little did I know he had planned on having someone over. I never slept and my sister had to go to work early, so I went home at 4:30 in the morning. There was not a car there, he picked her up. Her purse was on the counter and their clothes were by the fireplace. I went upstairs to my bedroom and there they were in my bed with the light on. They were asleep and the woman had a smile on her face I will never forget. She was recycled from before. I walked over and slapped him hard on the face. He got up and very calmly asked me why I did that? The woman said' " She is hurt"... .I called the police, they made him leave. I proceeded to take the Xmas tree down and throw it out the door. I returned most of the expensive gifts! Filed for separation in Jan.
2015- He wrote me and said, " Best Xmas I ever had with you not being a part of my life, thank you!"  

He is a monster... .Do you think he is going to have a happy Xmas with the new gf and baby?  I don't believe it for a minute! I feel better writing that out to remind myself of this. What a hateful person. I guess if they can't feel joy, they don't want anyone to. I don't feel "triggered" any more, just grateful to be out of that and able to enjoy the holidays once again. Hope you all can too!

[fromheeltoheal]

He is a monster... .What a hateful person.

2014 was 2 years ago Hero.  Is it time to start letting go of the labels?

I don't feel "triggered" any more, just grateful to be out of that and able to enjoy the holidays once again. Hope you all can too!

Nice!  The Holiday Season is almost upon us, and then a glorious 2017 awaits.  It will all be a heaven or a hell, depending on what we make it mean yes?

[Larmoyant]

Herodias, this sounds very familiar except for the woman in your bed part. Understatement, but that must have hurt and even worse asking you why you reacted! Has he ever shown remorse? I'm glad this was cathartic for you. I also find it helps to reflect back at the chaos especially if I'm feeling sentimental and remembering what I wanted it to be like as opposed to how it really was! Wishing you a relaxed, peaceful holiday this year.

[Herodias]

Yes Heeltoheal, we make it what we want now! Yay! Thanks Larmoyant, no... .no remorse. Only saddness for himself. It does help to remember these things, because we tend to get caught up in the good part and remembering the good times. We want to think they have run off and changed for the better with the new person. I don't see how that's possible without major work on oneself. I know my ex never stuck with therapy ever. He wouldn't go more than three times in a row. Always wanted them to tell me I was the problem. No more worries for me! I think I will label him how I need to for now- considering he labeled himself an " evil devil". I wish I still had that email- may have helped in court on the 29th of November... .right after Thanksgiving- how ironic- holidays. I really don't want to see him.

[michel71]

I am so sorry you went through this. He was a demon. I hope this Christmas is much better for you. Can you think back to good Christmas times before you knew him? That might help. I don't know how long you too were together but you DID HAVE A LIFE before you met him. You have a new life now, right? I would also add: Embrace the positive in your life. Channel your thankfulness for the people who love you. Count your blessings. WE all have them.
What is helping me get through this holiday season ( and it has just begun, XMAS everywhere) is knowing that I have people who love me and that my life is made up of so much more than my uBPDw. We have only been together since 2011. In the scheme of things and certainly of a life time, not that long. And the Christmas times we spent together were happy enough but the rest of the year sucked. So much pain and anguish. It kind of numbed out the holiday spirit after years went by.
Triggers are not fun. Especially holiday triggers. Because they were so bad for you can you gain any relief that you are at least out of that hell? I would dwell on that. That is what I will be dwelling on.
I will be in Miami with my daughter and my ex ( YES MY EX) and I am happy to be doing that. My ex and I have a good relationship, not enough to get back together, but still good. I can say we are friends and she cares about me as I do her. Being surrounded by good people who won't hurt you is a must for all of us on the Detaching Board.
I don't have all the answers because I am so newly into this process. Good luck and God bless.

[JJacks0]

I'm really glad you made this post - I've experienced a lot of terrible holidays with my ex as well. Despite that, I'm really dreading this first holiday season without her.

I wish I could remember year by year what happened like you do. I never kept a journal like I should have because I didn't want her to find it. But if I recall correctly, our first Christmas together (when we had only been dating for 2 months) was our only Christmas that went completely smoothly.

- One year I got her concert tickets that I knew she would love (among other gifts). I mentioned at one point in the evening that if I could have afforded to get tickets for a couple of our friends too, I would have and then we could have all gone together. This made her so upset that she went upstairs at her brother's house and cut herself in the bathroom.

-One year she hung a noose on a pipe above the washer and dryer in our laundry room (can't even remember what made this happen... .)

-One year I came to meet her at her brother's house and I think we had been in a little tiff earlier in the day (again, the details are blurry) - she stormed out before I even got inside and proceeded to lead me on a wild goose chase around the city. She was driving like a maniac in snow and ice and I was following her to make sure she was okay - she didn't answer her phone and I didn't know where she was going.

-One year she was upset with the gifts I got her because she felt like the clothes implied that she was fat (she's actually the smallest person ever)

-One year when we got home from Christmas with our families, we made soup and ate it in the new soup bowls we were gifted. Something made her upset and she threw her full bowl of soup at the wall, it shattered, and soup went flying everywhere. (I really wish I remember what triggered this)

In hindsight so much of this is so sad, because it just shows how insecure she was and what little self esteem she had on her own. I wish I had done a better job of validating her instead of getting defensive. Although at times I really did try my best, to no avail. Regardless, she always *wanted* the holidays to go well and we often had a great time in the days approaching and following. She was a child at heart, always very sweet and loving to my family and always went all out, she loved giving gifts. I remind myself of the chaos to try to make myself feel better about this year without her, but more than anything it just makes me want to give her a hug. I wish I had known then what I know now and understood her better.

[Herodias]

Thank you JJacks0,
       I am glad you opened up. I was able to remember allot of it due to having pictures of each Xmas in a book. I am not getting rid if them due to having family pictures there too... .I think it helps to write it down and share. I am so glad you told us about these things. I think it helps to see that what we went through was not uncommon. It seems to be so outrageous to us, so I think we bottle it up and don't want to tell anyone. Personally, I think it's time to get it out of our heads, have others tell us we are not alone, so that we can move on from the trauma. It is very sad. I had a nightmare about him last night that he was having another child with this gf. Somehow I was warning her about him in my dream.  I think what is triggering my thoughts is court coming up in two weeks. I really don't want to see him. I hope he doesn't show up, but I am afraid he will. One thing I understand is the childlike person you say yours is... .mine was like that too. That part was sweet... .I just wanted an adult to be married to. I have to say, the big thing I have noticed being away from him this long, is I no longer have knots in my stomach finally. Not even over court. That I am grateful for. I will also tell you that I am not sure it helps to know what they are going through. I suppose it would have helped us, but when I started taking classes about it, he became very nervous around me. He acted out more. I guess he thought I would find out and then leave. All I was doing was trying to relate better. Can't beat ourselves up for what we didn't know.

[once removed]

we tend to get caught up in the good part and remembering the good times. We want to think they have run off and changed for the better with the new person.

herodias, i notice you use the expression "we" a great deal when referring to your struggles. i think its important to remember that although we have a lot in common, our struggles are unique to our particular wounds. these are your struggles.

it may help to let go of hitching your success to his failure. my exes from high school are all married with children and im not. that has no bearing on me. likewise, if your ex gets better or worse, succeeds or fails, it has no bearing on you.

all of it is energy that can be spent on your own success, which we are all rooting for