My punishment for getting angry

[Hmcbart]

Quick back story.
My 19th anniversary was the 1st of this month.  I wasn't expecting much from my wife because I've learned to no longer get my hopes up.  It turned out to be the start of her time of the month (Aunt Myrtle come to visit), what are you gonna do it happens.  I wasn't upset because I expected something to get in the way of a 7 month dry spell (include affection and sex).  She called that day while I was at work to tell me. She was really distraught sounding.  Said she was also dizzy and throwing up.  She proceeded to tell me that she had already spoken to my mom about bringing the kids (9 & 14) to spend the weekend with her in 2 weeks  and we could go away for the weekend just the 2 of us. 

Jump ahead 5 days. 
I knew enough to not get my hopes up that the weekend away was ever going to happen.  5 days after she told me about the plans she starts telling me how our youngest has 2 birthday parties the weekend that we are supposed to go away. How we are new to the area and he should probably go so he can continue to make new friends.  She lets me know how important she feels is having a weekend away is but the kids are important too.  I agreed and didn't say much else about it because i didn't expect anything to happen.  If you never have any hope then you can't be hurt, saddest thing I've ever said to myself.

Jump ahead 4 days.
I had already not planned on the time away.  I hadn't even considered dinner and putting the kids to bed early as an option, again no hope.  Wednesday night I get home from work and she asks me to make dinner. It's around 6:30. I made hot dogs, didn't feel like cooking anything major.  Later that night the kids and I are playing games on the Xbox.  She stares yelling that it's time to turn them off.  I told her a few more minutes because we were deep into a battle (nerds).  She finally blows up and yells that if I wanted to play longer I should have started at 7:00.  I yelled back that I would have if she would have cooked dinner.  I typically do 90% of the cooking and cleaning and 100% of the job, she's a stay home mom.  This lites the fuse and she blows up.  I got caught up in the arguement for about 10 minutes before I finally left the room to cool down.

So back to my punishment.
Last night she comes in and tells me that she invited her mom and sister to come down this weekend and go to some craft fair thing.  She says that her sister is dealing with a lot of the same stuff as her. 

I'm just sitting there thinking, ok so you don't want to spend the weekend with me even though you said it's important to you. Instead of maybe dinner and out the kids to bed early for us to have some alone time, you opt to invite your sister and mom to visit. 

It felt like she was upset at me for what I said and as punishment she is taking away any chance to spend time together this weekend.  It was so valed and quiet but if I hadn't been through similar situations in the past with her I wouldn't have noticed it fir what it is. 

Sorry for the essay.  How to you deal with this kind of stuff.  I am doing pretty good at being detached and I understand the underlying cause for her actions and behaviors. But rational brain keeps saying what the hell.  It's like watching a B grade horror movie and yelling at the screen to grab the gun and not the flash light you idiot! But I keep picking up the flashlight to investigate the noise. 

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[jrharvey]

I have no help to offer but reading this makes me really feel bad for your situation. Its incredibly hard. Punished for standing up for yourself. Punished for helping her and going above and beyond.

It seems like the only way to end BPD suffering is to accept that the suffering will never stop. If you try to beat BPD it will always destroy you. If you try to somehow win the game it will ultimately kill you. Seems like realizing it will happen and its part of life and accepting it will bring the only peace.

Ive thought a lot about what if I was in this situation. Hard to say for sure with kids involved. Id probably try to express my needs and concerns in front of a counselor and see if she even cares to try and help. If she shows no empathy and just spits insults and things she wants me to change Id probably have to end the relationship.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the reply.  It was a long post so thank you for reading it.

Funny what you said about expressing my concerns and needs in front of a counselor.  That's what started my road to learning about BPD.  I found it searching fir ways to help me overcome all the things I supposedly kept doing wrong.  In counseling she agreed to work on my concerns and needs and acted like she was all in for change from both of us.  Turns out it was just me that she wanted changes in.  She quickly started coming up with excuses why she couldn't or wouldn't change and take care of my needs.  There are only so many excuses and I have heard them all now. 

The kids are the most difficult part. If I had even an ounce of belief that she would be able to divorce without getting ugly and usung them against me I would done it a long time ago. 

She ended up not liking the therapist that she chose for us because he said I get to have a voice about things in the marriage just like her. 

[jrharvey]

She ended up not liking the therapist that she chose for us because he said I get to have a voice about things in the marriage just like her.

Funny how that works. God forbid that you two be equal with equal responsibility. I just feel like at that point I would boycott and stop giving her anything that she needs or demands. Id make it a point to do my own thing regardless of her needs until she realized I had needs too or just exploded (on video tape) and ended things herself. Unfortunately some unhealthy people solely rely on others to take care of them and be responsible for their emotions and when you realize you need to take care of yourself they get angry and offended. "How dare you put your needs before mine"

[bobcat2014]

I also own an entitled princess as well and responsible for domestic house duty 6/7 days a week.

If these woman were born 100 years ago or in some developing country they wouldn't last. Here in the US a man is punished with alimony, support and becoming the village pariah if he does anything about it.

Look at ALL of the time and energy wasted on relationship problems here... .on this board alone.

[Hmcbart]

I just got a text asking if I can help move stuff around in the house. It wil. E the normal mad dash to clean the house before they get here.  So instead of staying home to clean the house for the guests she invited, she goes to my sons school to help volunteer making copies for the teachers. 

So I will now be tasked with a disproportionate amount of the cleaning and refusing or not doing it will cause a meltdown and I get to be the focal point.  Not sure what kind of boundary to set in this.  I guess it depends on how much heat I want to have deal with and for how long. I'm guessing at least 9 years worth. 

[jrharvey]

I just got a text asking if I can help move stuff around in the house. It wil. E the normal mad dash to clean the house before they get here.  So instead of staying home to clean the house for the guests she invited, she goes to my sons school to help volunteer making copies for the teachers. 

So I will now be tasked with a disproportionate amount of the cleaning and refusing or not doing it will cause a meltdown and I get to be the focal point.  Not sure what kind of boundary to set in this.  I guess it depends on how much heat I want to have deal with and for how long. I'm guessing at least 9 years worth. 

I got this question not too long ago. Whats more important. Your values or keeping peace? Do you value your own respect more than keeping the peace? Do you care more about keeping her PLEASED than your own happiness and self respect? Its a tough question. Im not saying don't help her. Im just saying I would personally have a hard time being in a one sided relationship like that.

[Hmcbart]

I opted to help some.  I have definitely done a lot less than she would prefer.  Of course several times in the middle of it I get asked why are you mad. Everything I say you have to say the opposite.  I just sat in silence.  I have accused her of doing exactly the same.  Take the opposite stance of anything I say.  I wasn't even doing it, if she asked me something I would answer.  If she doesn't like my answer then she should not have asked the question. 

I could tell how much she was trying to bait me.  At one point she asked if I met a lady she volunteers with at the school while I was there fir a veterans program.  I told her yes and I also met her husband they were both very nice.  She went on and on about wether or not she had always been a military wife.  Then she threw out the hook.  She said maybe you need a wife like that that would be good wouldn't it? She would be better than me. 

Of course my natural instinct was to say hell yes. But I opted to go with the silence route.  I just don't feel like dealing with it.  This would cause criticism avd silent treatment then when her family gets here she would play the part of the perfect housewife.  To which I would probably puke.

[Lockjaw]

I hear stuff like that from my GF.

The sad reality though is you have no idea if the other person is any better or worse, and you have to invest your time in them to find out.

[jrharvey]

Then she threw out the hook.  She said maybe you need a wife like that that would be good wouldn't it? She would be better than me. 

Very Very typical. So annoying.

[waverider]

  Then she threw out the hook.  She said maybe you need a wife like that that would be good wouldn't it? She would be better than me. 

The truthful answer is to say " I find that a disrespectful thing for a husband to hear" ... .it keeps it about you and avoids spiteful retorts. Dont go into JADE, retaliation or even futile validation otherwise you just reinforce an unhealthy way of fishing for it.

[Hmcbart]

I'm am just now learning to recognize the attempts to bait me into the argument.  In the past I have always been quick to make a smart azz comment but have learned not to.  Eventually I will learn to focus on things that may help reinforce correct behaviors. For now silence is golden.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm am just now learning to recognize the attempts to bait me into the argument.  In the past I have always been quick to make a smart azz comment but have learned not to.  Eventually I will learn to focus on things that may help reinforce correct behaviors. For now silence is golden.

  Learning to just shut up is a huge step forward! As they say, the first thing to do when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging!

[Hmcbart]

After the 2 hour conversation I just had, I was basically told that I have been intentionally trying to hurt her. 

It started out with her asking if I want her to leave because she feels that I think she is just in the way.  Then it went to how I seem to avoid her and don't carry on conversations with her like I did at dinner with her sisters boyfriend last night.  I was open and honest... .my first mistake.  I told her that I am guarded and closed off because I have to protect myself.  I explained how she has great intentions but doesn't follow through.  Our anniversary was a great example. She said when she brought up going away for the weekend but my reaction was to just say "ok sure".  I let her know that I have years of experience of her saying someone but then something else always keeps it from happening.  The day of our anniversary was exactly that.  After she told me of wanting to go away for the weekend she was coming up with reasons why it wasn't going to happen within 5 days. But today all of the measures I took to guard against the very thing that she did is being done to hurt her. 

How can you explain that you are trying to protect yourself without them coming up with something to justify their feelings and how you are causing their pain. 

I caught myself JADING at one point and stopped. It difficult to explain something without it coming across as defending your actions. 

[waverider]

Withdrawal, disengagement, wariness, skepticism based on past experience is interpreted as passive aggression.

Your actions are based on linking of past experience and projecting them forward. pwBPD live in the now, so don't link past experience with the present as readily. Hence she doesn't follow your reasoning and suspects underlying causes This is probably causes digging for dirt where there is non. There must be a reason for your lack of enthusiasm, and it must lie with you.

[Hmcbart]

I think she was pushing to see if I'm cheating. Based on her comments a few days ago.  Nothing I said registered with her.  Even when I bluntly told her that I don't get my hopes up after she says something she is going to do for me because the let down when she comes up with an excuse for it not to happen is too much for me anymore.  I don't have the emotional stability left to go through it.  I pointed out how what happened on our anniversary and the days after were perfect and resent examples.  She spun it around to me not being thankful for her planning my birthday party and said I never even said thank you which is completely untrue. At that point I wasn't able to get a word in and say anything.  She would cut me off every time I tried to speak. I just gave up and sat in silence.  It was all about how I'm treating her and how my protection is hurtful to her.  Really? My hiding my emotions and avoiding someone I am usually begging for love and affection with no return is hurtful?

[Grey Kitty]

I got a lot of this kind of thing... .

After the 2 hour conversation I just had, I was basically told that I have been intentionally trying to hurt her.

She spun it around to me not being thankful for her planning my birthday party and said I never even said thank you which is completely untrue.

I finally found some peace when I resolved in MY head that I knew what I was thinking, feeling, and what my intentions were... .and that I wasn't going to buy in to or believe it when my wife told me what they were.

The other part of that is that she really cannot read my mind. Which means I cannot prove what was actually in there to her satisfaction.

As being told things like this got to be really triggering for me, I ended up enforcing a firm boundary that I wouldn't participate in any conversation where she was telling me what was inside my own head.

I even explained what a no-win situation she was putting me in a few times--that she couldn't actually read my mind, and because of that I would never be able to prove that I wasn't thinking what she told me I was thinking. And I wouldn't participate in that kind of impossible discussion.