It helps to not feel alone

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. I am grateful that this space exists. It has transformed my life to read about what others are going through and realize I am not crazy, a horrible person or alone. Thank you all

[WorkingAtIt]

Hello. I am grateful that this space exists. It has transformed my life to read about what others are going through and realize I am not crazy, a horrible person or alone. Thank you all

[HappyChappy]

Thanks WorkingAtIt , good of you to say. As so many come with issues, we forget the successes. I also am very thankful for the support I get from this website.  
bpdfamily is aptly named.

[Kwamina]

Hi WorkingAtIt and welcome to  bpdfamily

It is great that reading other members' stories has had this transformative effect on your life!

Could you tell us a bit about what brought you here? Your profile says the person in your life is a parent. Growing up with a BPD parent can be very though and also dealing with one in your adult life. Are there perhaps any particular topics you would want to discuss or questions you would like to ask the community?

Take care and I definitely encourage you to keep reading!

[Mutt]

Hi WorkingAtIt,



I'd like to join   HappyChappy and Kwamina and welcome you. I went through several years where I thought I was going through something that was unique and that nobody else went through, I thought that I was losing my mind. Then I found this place and all of the wonderful people in it, thankfully I didn't feel alone.Tell us about your journey.

[WorkingAtIt]

Thank you for the warm welcomes which underscore my original post about how grateful I am for this community. I am now 50 years old and grew up with a very violent, very angry undiagnosed BPD mother. I've worked hard to create happiness in my life with my husband and children in a different city (to get away from her physically). Almost all of my interactions with my mother are dominated by her anger, disappointment and paranoia. She will do and say things that are hurtful and aggressive then completely deny that she said or did any of it. As a result it's hard to have a normal conversation with her, let alone a normal relationship. About 5 years ago she started saying nasty things about my adult daughter and something in me snapped. I told her everything I have been thinking and feeling my entire life. Now we speak infrequently and when we do, I say exactly what I think about what she is saying. As this community well knows, that doesn't get me any further than when I hid my true thoughts and just tried to survive her. What I am working on now and really need any advice offered on is not letting what she says and does either directly to me or about me to others in my family penetrate. She can still take me down with her hostility and comments (or I should say that I still let her take me down) and yet I know that I have so much goodness in my life and should be putting my energy there. But there is some part of me beyond logic and all that I know that still needs to justify, defend and explain myself. And I feel tremendous guilt about her. Even though I know I am not doing anything wrong. I help support her financially which has helped me a little with my guilt because I feel I'm "doing the right thing" and I am happier since I have been more honest with her and have less frequent contact.  However I am still terrified of her and let her overwhelm me emotionally once in a while. I want to cut her out completely but feel too guilty to do it. At this point, I get nothing positive from her at all. Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Please take care of yourself and love yourself.

[Kwamina]

Hi again WorkingAtIt

What I am working on now and really need any advice offered on is not letting what she says and does either directly to me or about me to others in my family penetrate. She can still take me down with her hostility and comments (or I should say that I still let her take me down) and yet I know that I have so much goodness in my life and should be putting my energy there.

Could it perhaps be that you internalize your mother's negative critical voice and that this is how she's able to get to you? Do you perhaps feel that even when she is not around you find yourself saying negative things about yourself in your head? We have a thread here about automatic negative thoughts and talking back to the inner critic that you might find helpful:
Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

You also mention feeling guilt. This is something many of our members have expressed concerning their BPD parents. Pete Walker who has written about healing from an abusive childhood has said something about guilt that I personally have found very helpful and perhaps it will also help you:

"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

I hope you enjoyed your Thanksgiving