I hate you, don't leave. Again.

[RobinHood]

So my wife came home from Europe a day early without telling me. She was supposed to come home on Sunday and when I asked her her flight information she refused to tell me. She said there was good reason. On Friday night she said she didn't want to talk to me for 24 hours. I had spent the previous evening being ignored while she went out to a $300 dinner with new friends from London and her coworker. I was very, very depressed and felt hopeless.

Then on Saturday she texts, "What's up?" I said, I'm going to yoga. She says, "Save me a spot." So she was at the airport, a day early, with no warning or explanation. Then she won't let me pick her up. Shows up at yoga, doesn't give me a kiss. When I asked her why she didn't tell me or why she lied about when she was coming home, she said, "Why are you worried about it, do you have something to hide?" So the next day we do a couple of classes together and have a decent night.

Monday comes, she's working from home. Leaves her computer open while she walks outside to talk. I find some texts from an old lover dating back three months. She'd sent him a pic of her tattoo that she got in Hawaii with partial breast exposure. Some of the texting was flirtatious but it didn't look like anything had been going on, but it did look like they'd had phone conversations.

I called him and raged. Explained that she is married and he needs to stay the eff out of our marriage. He lied and made excuses. I confronted her. She was not remorseful. Laughed at me. Said she hated me. My heart was through the roof. I couldn't even talk I was so upset. She says look if I'm doing these things it's obvious isn't it that the marriage isn't going to work out and you should leave. So I packed my stuff, again, into my car. She starts crying again and asks me to sit next to her on the bed. Then she became sexual so I took my clothes off and got in bed with her. "I don't want to make love," she says. So I get dressed and continue packing my car.

I get an email confirmation that she'd booked me a bootcamp class for later that afternoon. I come back up and she says let's go to class and see what happens after that. So we took two classes, then she asks me to make her dinner. I went to my AA meeting and came back and made her dinner. She wanted me in the bed w her and was very affectionate. She has not been kind, affectionate or even polite in over a month, so I was very receptive.

She says, "Stay." I said look, my car is packed, you told me to leave." But I wound up moving the car to a safe spot, leaving it with all of my stuff and I stayed the night with her.

I'd said the day before, "Look, rent is due today and I'm not paying it if you're kicking me out of my own apartment. If you want to go to couple's counseling and work on this, then fine. Put your wedding ring on, go to counseling and let me love you. Quit trying to destroy us." She said, "No. There's nothing you can do that will change my mind. I'm going to let them evict us and go live with my mother." I said look, your mother hasn't spoken to you in months. She says, "Why are you trapping me!" Yikes. No, I'm not trapping you. I'm willing to stay here with you and forgive you for all of this dishonor to our marriage but you will have to make and actually keep a counseling appointment." She said no, over and over.

Then in the morning she's nice again and says OK, why don't bring your stuff back up and we'll stay here together and figure out how to break the lease. After watching the video on how BPDs and other often think they are not ill, so why would they need treatment, I felt like I needed to take a different approach than yelling at her that she's a psycho Borderline. So I said here's an idea. How about if I bring my stuff back up, we make an appointment and even if your workplace is on fire, you will keep the appointment. No matter what. She said, "Yeah I was thinking that." So I took her to work, asked her again and she said she agreed.

So now I'm going to send a email to her and the counselor asking for possible appointment times.

Please give me all of your thoughts on this.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BowlOfPetunias]

"She starts crying again and asks me to sit next to her on the bed. Then she became sexual so I took my clothes off and got in bed with her. "I don't want to make love," she says. So I get dressed and continue packing my car."

DO NOT EVER agree to sex during a fight.  Sex is the temptation for you to stay in the relationship.  Once it is clear that you are staying, there is no need for the sex.  This is especially true when someone like your wife has been depriving you of sex. 

Also, the abrupt fight to sex transition shows how fast her roller coaster is going.  It rushed down the fight hill, and then it tried to speed up the affection hill.  You should recognized that the most likely outcome is another plunge down a fight hill.

[RobinHood]

Hi, thanks for your reply. But saying things like DO NOT EVER aren't helpful. To be on the lookout for another plunge might be something to be aware of. She plunges a lot, and if I don't respond she ups the anty.